Benedict...your writing style always seem to grip me. Although there was an INCREDIBLE delay in updating (Thus involving re-reading all the chapters) your latest addition was truly amazing...I always try to find flaws, but I can never seem to find any...(Or maybe I know the next day at school you'll say..'I meant that'...or such.)

SO yeah...

WOW...(There isn't enough superlatives to describe how awesome this story is unfolding out to be)

And this traitor...Well:

[quote/]If we’re lucky the traitor doesn’t know we’ve got wind of HIM, but going around blathering about secret meetings is the best way to make sure HE does.[Quote]

From that one sentence...I'm sure the traitor now is a male. ;]
That's unless it's a She-male! LOL

Yeah anyway...

I hope you continue writing...and yeah...awesomeness to the MAX.

... Oh dear,
There's only one word that can truly describe this chapter and that is AWESOMENESS!

I tried to find bits which sounded wrong or sentences that didn't make sense (Just to get back at you for your last review :P), but seriously your a genius. I love how you have built up so many questions, and poor Rena...

I'm lost for words at how brilliant this story is becoming.

Keep it up dude!

Cya on Monday.

Okan Shevket.

Yah, it took me ages to review the second chapter, my bad. But yah...so far so good, there were a few gramar stuff, but nothing huge. I enjoyed your descriptions, the fat man and folds of fat, :P.

Over all, I like it! A few suggestions:

1) You have some consistent grammatical errors, particularly in your dialog. "This is how you do dialog," said Feather.

2) Work on word choice.
She smiled at him with genuine affection.
--
Does this set up any emotion? Character development? It doesn't even make sense.

3) Character development. So far, they seem non-descript, accented by the fact that the speech seems forced, particularly the conversation with the kid. Authors on here use people talking with themselves far too often in order to move the plot forward. Can you think of a better way to do this?

4) It’s redundant in a lot of places. In the last paragraph alone:
'drowning out the thief’s voice as he spoke to his tiny companion...'
--
We already know who he's speaking too. Also, why is this important? The drowning of sound is a cliché, only stick those in if you need to.

'...and the rain clouds continued to roll overhead, blocking out the light of the moon. It was a night without light.
--
You can take out one side of this or the other. You're saying the same thing.

The perfect night for a thief.
--
Why? If you're going to add it, might as well say why. You can keep it artsy, just fully extend important ideas (and having the first ideas introduced being theft and rain, I would assume theft in rain being easier will be important later in the story. Wow, that was a poorly constructed sentence.)

Work on these things, and you'll be in smooth waters!
Feather La
PS: Sorry for the crappy-ness of this review, I usually leave nice long ones, but I’m bushed.

Hello again.
I'm guessing you're not from the USA if you took holiday- hope you enjoyed it. Now, on to the review.
*Some nit picky things: You say search or searching twice with in ten words in paragraph five- a bit distracting to the reader. Also, towards the end where Mascero is telling Yakin about his parents you mention his heart thumping or picking up speed twice in a matter of seconds- might want to refine that and give emphasis to the more important of the two events.
*The monkey handing Yakin the key with his two hands- great image; I could see it very clearly and it was a sweet picture- keep that.
*This is my big bit for this review: Why, if Mascero is a father-like figure to Yakin, would he not have told Yakin about his mother and father before now? All children are interested in their parents and even more so when their parents are absent from the picture. And if Mascero had a reason for not telling Yakin about his parents before now, why would he spill the details now? I would suggest either changing it so Yakin already knows all about his parents (from all the times he's asked Mascero in the past) or have Mascero totally drunk and this information is slipping out. Yakin could mention, casually in his inner thoughts, that this was strange, that Mascero had never spoken of his parents before no matter how many times he'd asked. If his parents' pasts are vitally important to the story, which it sounds like they are, I would make this revealing of information more profound; if this bit of backstory isn't vital but interesting, maybe just drop tiny hints through out the stories, like have Mascero compare Yakin to his father or have a certain smell remind Yakin of his mother, etc...
Other than that, good job and look forward to more!

I have to say that this is one of the best stories I've read so far. :) It's descriptive, but not too much, but yah, it's really good. I understand what's going on and everything. :D Keep writing! I'm enjoying this story a lot so far!

Hello once again,
Nice installment. Once again though, watch the adjectives- sometimes it gets too descriptive and that distracts from the story. Also, concentrate on showing the reader what is going on through their actions; so rather than saying Rena is weird, have her tilt her head to the side and gaze at Yakin till he shifts uncomfortably- the reader will get the picture.
Two minor details- you describe the guards as strolling into the room- if they were as angry as you made them sound, would they really stroll or would they come sprinting into the room? And second, watch your pronouns- you say she in a few places when you mean he.
But other than that, interesting- you still have my attention!

Hi Benedict,
First off I would like to say intrigued I was by the story line- you said you got this from a game but then changed names? Did you change anything else? It is a great concept but if it is not entirely your own, I would recommend caution. :)
A few notes... watch your grammar and puncuation. There are commas where periods should be, missing semi colons, mispelled words... I'm sure some of that is due to the nature of fiction press' pages, but it can be quite distracting as the reader when the puncuation isn't correct. Next, watch your adjectives- some times they can be helpful when describing things but try and describe things when the information becomes necessary and try to do it as completely and quickly as possible- too many adjectives in one sentence, like the first couple of paragraphs of chapter one, are hard to handle. Next, the dialogue is a bit too overdramatic- I understand that the situation that Hyacinth and Mascero are in is a very trying one, but usually people say more when they actually say less. Focus on the sub text, what can be read through the words they aren't say. Show their emotions rather than having them expound on them in dialogue. At the end of chapter one, I was a little confused as to how Mascero got from an alley way to the top of a roof so quickly- either add a line saying how he made the transition or leave him in the alleyway. The last two lines of chapter one are fantastic- how amazingly well written and they hit home of what the reader can expect from the rest of the story. Good job.
Chapter two. Careful of unnecessary sentences- the last sentence in chapter five is nice because we see how Yakin interacts with the monkey but it is unnecessary for the scene- shorten it, maybe, or find some other way to show the monkey's personality. Another thing I would recommend is to use description "on the way" to more information. Readers like to learn lots of things at once so if you had a sentence that described the person as it shows them acting or reacting, that would be easier to read.
Over all, nicely done. I look forward to future chapters. Good luck!