I hope you haven't given up on this story because it has potential to be really awesome, and I really do like it. I like Annelise's voice, but I don't think all the swearing is necessary. That's just my opinion, of course. It's your story. :) Also, it lacks detail. It's kind of hard to get into the story and really envision the scenes. You're basically just telling, not showing. ;)

I'll be keeping my eyes open for this one. :)

Haha, it is only now I notice that you already know of RM ^^; Ah well, here we go again!

Chapter Review:

First things first: Yay for chapter length!

"He shifted underneath me. -and then a few sentences later:

I felt him shift under me,"

He shifts under her two times in a row, and that's an unnecessary repetition, methinks. Synonyms are your best friend. :D

"“You’re telling me, chicken legs.”"
*chuckles* Lise and her new material is awesome!

So they're getting out of the cave now? Awesome. As I think I said before, I dont know this game so I am just going with the flow. Its nice that you explain the moves though, so people like me can anticipate things too.

As I said in the previous chapter, I want the static relationship to change. At least a bit. It has been the same for too long now. Surprise me, walley! :D

-Frac. Just Frac. Oh yeah.

I come back to you with the tail between my legs T_T I am such a bad reader! I always take a break from a story for a while, and then that "while" suddenly becomes long by normal standards and I am too coward to come back to the story because I'd look like a lazy b*stard... So with all that said: forgive me! T_T I always do this, but truth is: I *AM* a lazy b*stard so I better get over myself.

Chapter review:
"because one, I’m still in my stripper outfit, and two the sun is still up!"
No comma consistency here? After the "one" you add a comma, but not after the "two". Seems odd to me.

"Your such a **"
*You're*

"Ahahahahahahahahahahaha. What an idiot."
Too extended laughter. Keep it nice and easy; go for the three when its extended: Ahahah! If its that long it looks like chat speak almost :o

What a short chapter, I have to say! And so little happened because of it. Are we getting lazy, Walley? Are we? :p Because if I do say, I'd rather read a chapter with a bit more length if it has more things happening. This chapter felt like filler comparing to the others because here was only Lise being angry and then at the end, a gum-avalanche.

I expect a big juicy chapter next, now, mwahahah! (yes, I am unreasonably demanding).

sadly, I have no real clue what gum drops are, so I cant feel the main character's plight. :( I feel deprived now.

Either way, I think there really needs to be some character development between our main characters. Its been static for 5 chapters. I'd love to see what you will make happen!

-Frac
PS! If your bored check out the Review Game's Review Marathon (links in my profile)

The first person perspective really stood out. The thoughts, feelings, and emotions were strong and got into the reader. At this point, it feels a bit sarcastic and all, but that's the point - it's good characterization - being unique.

Every thought seems to be on one or two lines though, and there's no bigger paragraphs. Like everything is just separated. It breaks the flow a little. It lacks a bit of a depth in terms of description on what's around as well.

Besides that, there's some good points. Keep writing!

Freebie Review, courtesy of Frac!

Oh, my goodness. This was really funny! I love the general just "** off-ness" of Annelise (and I completely love that name). I dig that everything is a rant, because you manage to make it not overly so.

I would suggest probably going back and revising for spelling errors. And, there were also a lot of places where you put that wrong word.

"...her sad little tears where wiped from her face ..."

Should be "were".

"But obliviously, someone up there really hates me."

I think you mean "obviously" The someone up there would know that they hate Lis, and Lis knows it, too. So, no one is oblivious ^.^

Anywhoodles, good start!
--Rachel

Ahaha.
I love this.
Please update soon!
:D

I'm on the fourth chapter now? :o

"So here I am in a candy cane cell. So basically "
Both sentences start with "So". I'd suggest avoiding such repetitions.

"But on seriously"
On? Wha?

And I swear, Chason is awesome! :D I am in wonder where he ran off to, of course, but I am not too worried. Still a good story, btw. The interaction between the two lovebirds is really nice ^^

I can't believe you're so short on reviews for this fic. Shame on FP people! (well, most FP people should always be shamed...)

Sorry for my crappy review, but I can't really add anything other than that I am enjoying the ride :)

- Frac

..And she returns for the third chapter :P

"There he stood there"
two there? Why? Complicating. How about ditching one of 'em?

". And Maria thinks she’s hates her life"
thinks SHE hates. Not she's. :P hehe that sounds like cheese in my head!

"“I would have never though of"
missing a t in thought, eh?

I must admit, I have no clue what on earth this Candy game thingie is, so I am not sure if I am missing out on anything candy people know, but I am liking it so far :) And Chason is cute, I tell you. I like that he's protective, and his comments to Lise is only self defense, hehe.

Good chapter as per usual. And damn thats one fast peppermint person! :o

(btw, her jumping behind chason to see who it was: priceless ^^)

Keep it up and maybe I'll keep away! :p (wait that didnt sound right...)
- Frac

And I return for a second chapter :P

"from a coma like state"
It'd be better if you had it: coma-like, because this sentence made no sense the first time I read it.

"Oh my god. It was like fear factor, board game edition."
*laughs* Too funny ^^;

And I still don't get her hatred and mean behaviour towards Chason. He is totally sweet and protective :P Aww. *pats the Chason* But seriously, it's important for Annelise (in order to have sympathy from audience) to not hate without reason. If she does, she goes to be one of those whiny teenagers that I hate, and I don't want that! :(

But anyhow, good humour ,good chapter. Keep it up!

- Frac

SURPRISE! It's Frac from Review marathon, and she wants to spread review love to the non-winners for being goos sports! Yay review love! :D

"Not really, my life is pretty great, except for him. Him, the demon, the devil incarnate.

Not really, more"

Not really, and then the next sentence starts with that too. I urge you think of some variation when sentences are so close. :P You have these repetitions of some words throughout the piece, so keep a watching eye for that.

"Why and I"
"am"?

"Then I guess she was getting in the European mood"
Haha, I love how this is phrased! ^^; Never heard that one before!

"I sign and put her down"
*sigh*?

Okay, first I'd like to say: I don't like whiny teenagers.
Then I'd like to state that I adore your main character.
Yeah, makes no sense, right? Well, she present her causes of suffering so well (and comically) I cannot help but pity her! :P Well done!

Only thing I am not sure about is why she dislikes Chason. He doesn't seem so wrong. So either make him more jerk-ish or show why she is this way with him because I don't particularly understand that.

Lovely comedy, btw. And I like how outrageous this story is yet realistic in a way ^^;

But the ending is: Whoa? That is some seriously weird board game, haha.

Anyhow, keep writing.

- Frac

A very nice first chapter! I love your characterisation and dialogue, which are both very realistic. And the insight into the protagonist's thoughts is splendid. I particularly like the chaotic babysitting scene, where you can practically FEEL how harrassed poor Annelise is. Very good job!

The only thing I guess you could work on (and this is very minor) is the descriptions in the chapter. I didn't exactly get a clear picture of Annelise. But other than that, this was fantabulous!

Review Game.

OK, so I accidentally did a poem instead of a story. Oops.I really like this one. It flows well, but at a couple points you have sentence fragments. For instance: "No, but seriously, that’s what happened this morning. At six am. On a Saturday." I understand that you're trying to put emphasis that it's incredibly early in the morning on a day she shouldn't be up at that hour, but you could probably try linking the sentences together and maybe italicizing the word Saturday. That would make it stand out.

Anyway, like I said, I like this one a lot. The characters are believable and you sucked me in in only one chapter. :)

I can't remember for sure, but I don't think there is a slot machine in the game, is there?

Lalalala. I just played this game yesterday for the first time in ten years...coincidental much?

But it's funny. I almost laughed out loud, but my parents wouldn't have found that funny...

I really love this story. It's so fun. :)