 Marquis Divin 2009-03-26 . chapter 26I wanted to give as complete a comment(s) as possible, given that I read the entire novel in one sitting. I still don’t think I’m finished. Some minor nits regarding dialog grammar, and I’m tempted to go over them myself then send it back if you’d like me to. As far as the storytelling goes, it’s really masterful. There’s nothing I’d change, if I’d written it. And that’s with a somewhat obscure understanding of the action, given that, again, I read it all in one sitting. I still feel I should do you justice. Save a whole night for this one work alone.
First off, in dialog, there’s always a comma preceding the name of the person addressed. Also question marks on what are in reality questions. Also end quote, comma, then smaller case 3rd person pronoun (not the original text; my suggestions):
“I cannot protect them all, Amery”
“Are you actually conversing politely with a vampire, Sam?"
"Why don't you and some men go to New York to properly dispose of Lenore, instead of sending men who'll likely fail?"
"Can you heal this?" she asked
Missing word: She managed to chuckle through her tears and said, "You were going to say monster INSTEAD of vampire, weren't you?"
un-controllable (no hyphen: uncontrollable)
"Um, aren't you all friends?"
"Tell me what happened," she stated.
"Shite, (rather, “shit”)" he cursed, sitting up.
Open your mind, a voice suddenly said.
First sign of bad times a' coming and I run like a fucking three year old. (rather, as a noun, hyphenated: three-year-old)
"No, dad, (as a proper noun, should be capitalized: “Dad”) I'm not. The prophecy-"
"Adams, you better now (not?) die on me."
"Fellow human support (comma here) eh?" She (smaller case “s”) teased.
"Nevermind” (rather, “Never mind.”)
but he isn't the Saint you think him to be (if not a particular saint by name, should be smaller case)
No, you're being over-protective (overprotective, more common usage gradually does away with hyphenation over time)
“We could try all sorts of torture out on her, she'd last a long time." Yes. Torture her.
"The stomach in our acid changes when we turn.” (Think you mean “the acid in our stomach.”)
"Don't you. . .aren't you worried any feelings you have, or had, will get in the way?” (Nice limitation to her strength, a vulnerability that makes Sam such an interesting character).
Sam being considered weak because she’s mortal and a female. (Yeah, right. This is age of the kick-ass babe, readers. Strong + yet in some ways vulnerable = sexy.)
"Jesus, I need a drink." (The Founder of Christianity a bartender. Interesting twist. Naw, just messin’ with ya.)
"You know it's good magic if it tastes horrible." “Taste bad, heal good, Danielsan” – Mr. Myagi from the Karate Kid. “Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.” – Mary (Fucking) Poppins.
Chapter 20, the torture scene. What sort of torture devices? Don’t be abstract, let me see them through your mind’s eye. Whips, of course, and an iron maiden, thumbscrew, cuckold, what specifically?
Azule smiled, showing off his shark like teeth. "You know, curiosity killed the cat." / "And satisfaction brought it back," Caine replied easily. "Why do you want him?" -- and just where’d you get THIS from, Faith? LOL. |