Very deep. Very depressing. Very short. I am glad you rewrote it.

Whoa, ahe was really suicidal a the end. Fraky ending, but not that scary in the begiining. Try to describe more, and try to make the shark plot unique. But I liked thae freaky ending.

I'm sorry, but an elementary school student could write a scarier story than this. And what's up with the ending? It's so sappy and corny. Not in the least bit SCARY.

Too short of a story. If this was expanded, this could be a great shark tale. I want to get to know Millie. I want to get to know the other characters. Give them life. Like Carl, so he's a nice boyfriend. Why is he a nice boyfriend? Does he send flowers to her everyday? Does he visit her? Does he think of her all the time? How romantic is he?

How was the beach? Did she have a good time? What happened at the beach?

In the second paragraph, since we already know her name, you don't need to start the sentence with her first name so many times. It bores the reader. "He" or "She" works just fine.

She did this, and she did that is not going to excite the reader. Give the scenes life. Use the five senses. Try not to use "She" often. Describe the surroundings. Is the water blue or clear? Are there waves crashing at the shore?

Are you getting the point? A lot of good details and description will bring life to the story.

A saw a few common grammar errors.


Overall, I give you credit for effort. You attempted to produce a story, and finish. I'm sure with a few grammar lessons, you're on way to become a great writer. I hope this review helped a little.

Your story is just you telling the reader what's happening.

The plot is a little cliche, but I liked the ending (although the hospital doesn't just have buckets of blood sitting around that someone can steal).

Use more details, show us what happens, the dialog, the actions.

Instead of "they went out really far so they couldn't touch the bottom and stayed there."

"Millie, her brother and her boyfriend swam out to sea, battling the current until the soft ocean bottom dove out of reach from their paddling feet.
"Look," Millie exclaimed, pointing at a grey fin splicing through the water.
"It's okay," her boyfriend alleged."

And so on and so forth. Slow down and use some detail, show what you're trying to say instead of telling, show the attack, it'll create suspense and the ending will just be much more powerful.

Hope this helps,
~Laeden