Last review!

Once again another good chapter. I didn't see any real grammatical mistakes. Adviser is spelled with an 'e' though and not an 'o'. The description was nice but there isn't much for the characters. What does the Empress look like? The Adviser? Or the new character?

I'm also assuming your characters name is Empress and Adviser? Those are the only real problems I see. It's hard to relate to the characters. Beyond that the story is good and interesting. Great job!

This was a nice starting chapter. You left it at a nice spot, so the readers are curious to see what happens next. Where is she going? I didn't see really many mistakes in this chapter. It looked well edited and thought out. The description was nice, maybe a bit light, but that's alright. It be nice to learn a little bit about the character's physical appearance. Nothing to heavy, but maybe something small to help paint a picture so we can envision the Empress. It's hard to relate to a character when you don't have a name or description.

Other then that it was nice! This is the first review, I'll get the next one to you!

I believe that this is a good start. The development of your characters is easy to see, and, I have to say, that is a very good thing to do in the first chapter. I was easily able to get a general idea of each character's personality and predict how they would react to future events that could possibly happen. I also must say that your first chapter was easy to read and comprehend (which is an excellent thing if you want your story to have a large audience). Personally, I believe that stories that are easy to understand tend to become more popular when they are presented to the public. Keep on writing!

The one thing that I fear might confuse e as I read on is that the characters are defined by occupation rather than name. It';s a style choice that I think actually helps with the style of the story and makes for good pace. I'm just worried about the confusion factor later on.

As I mentioned before, the pace was perfectly fine here. I would have preferred a longer chapter, but the story flowed smoothly and the ending seemed like a good place to end it to me.

No I want to see chapter three, so that's my mission for you. Get on it as soon as possible!

Okay, here's the review to pay for the wonderful drawing you gave me. (I can't say enough about that drawing. It exactly as I pictured Tony.) This chapter was short, which disappointed me, but I see that the future chapters will be longer and more in depth. That's what I like to see.

What I also like to see--and I did see it--is well-developed characters. Even with such a short introductory chapter, the main protagonist is well-defined. She believes in a world beyond fear and tyranny, a world which is commonly believed to be impossible to control. Can she do it? Well, that's what we're here to find out.

Even with her level-headed adviser (well, level-headed in the context of the world, so to speak.), our tale-tell empress will have her hands full fulfilling that dream, especially in the world.

Hi, I'm from reviewers-found!
I'm enjoying the story so far. The pace is fine, of course it's hard to judge since the story's just getting started but so far it's not a problem. You've introduced an interesting world and cast of characters. The main character has a fascinating internal conflict that I hope is deepened and fleshed out (along with her character) as the story progresses. There is a creepy eeriness to the Advisor, but that may be just me. His words of advice and the fact he only goes by the name of "Advisor" gives him a darkness and makes a really intriguing counter to her thoughts.
The descriptions are wonderfully done, I love how they are vivid and beautiful without slowing down the story to a halt. I think the story's gotten to the point where the introduction is over, and it really needs to be fleshed out more and develop into a full story. But that also depends on how long you plan to make it and what will happen exactly. So far it's been really good though.
You've introduced some neat characters and deep themes, I'm looking forward to where this story will go. Well done!

Great story, very well written so far!

From the Review Game!

I'm really liking this story so far. I was planning on just reading the first chapter, but I liked it so much that I decided to read the second also.

I liked the way you portrayed the Empress' position and the state of the Empire through the reaction of the citizens, and the Advisor.

You're grammar and sentence structure were really good as well. If there was a typo somewhere, I didn't notice it.

Good job so far. I'll be waiting for the next chapter. ^^

Great story! I love the cliff-hanger endings to your chapters, and the air of mystery about the characters that keeps readers wanting more! keep up the great work!

I like where it seems to be going.

I would suggest a few changes though. I think you often overstress the importance of the empress in chapter two, dwelling on it for too long. It hampers the flow somewhat and clouds other events. A quicker pace (as you mention) would be a benefit in these opening parts, getting the characters introduced and events moving on will help continuity for me, as i'm a very lazy reader.

In the first chapter, the language is a barrier to my interest. Sometimes, it feels a bit thesaurus happy - the words used to describe simple words are too flowery, perhaps you should get to the point a little quicker?

In the words of Samual T Coleridge:

Works of imagination should be written in very plain language; the more purely imaginative they are the more necessary it is to be plain.


I hope that helps ^^

A nice beginning chapter. It wasn't boring and provided just enough information to leave us wanting more. A lot of great detail was used here with few words, which is good. I look forward to reading more.

I few things that I found as I read:

Silk ran down her skin as the servants dried her porcelain skin
Using the word skin twice here really bugged me. Along with silk looking and sounding similar to skin, it makes it feel as though you used the word three times. Perhaps splitting the sentence up or rearranging will make it sound better.

But that only made her want to changes such habits even more.
A spelling error here, remove the s from changes.

Not that the other chambers of the palace were not tall and held up by elaborately carved pillars of precious stone.
This sentence felt out of place since it followed dialog and the description of actions and led back into more dialog. I also felt that it just wasn't needed, it doesn't add to the story at all. This all may just be me however.

lowering his eyes to the ground in hopes of dimming the stage light that he had just stolen for that brief moment.
I understand what your trying to imply here, but the metaphor makes it seem as though there are other people around (and possibly best used for said situation) even though we know they are not as she told them to leave a moments earlier. I wouldn't say not to remove the sentence or not since it adds to the characters, but just look out for that in the future.

-From the Review Game -

Good writing. You conveyed the "majesty" of the kingdom, the necessity of power, etc. without overwhelming the reader with florid writing. It sets a commanding tone.

Dialogue is good, but at one point the supervisor says "Hey you" - it's not really jarring or anything, but it seems a little modern.

"Even if the people were to be godless, the Empress's existence would be burned into their minds" - wonderful, unmistakable line!

Interesting Empress. Perhaps she's more human than she seems. I especially liked how she tries to let the workers rise, but the Advisor stops her. Perhaps the Advisor's behind all this?

Overall, keep up the great work. I really enjoy what you have so far; you can even raise lots of political questions. I'd like to know where you take this.

Review Game!

Beautiful descriptions. I could really picture the landscape and the Empress.
The beginning was a little slow, it took me a while to really immerse myself into your text. Some parts seemed a little choppy
It also makes me wonder, if so many servants were executed, why would any step up to replace the ones that were gone…? Could just be me overanalyzing things again.

The end of the first chapter though, I must admit, is intriguing. Made me wonder what they were planning.
Nice start!

~Me

Hey!

It's me again hehe! :P

The pacing of your story is just right, but I just have to say that your chapters are way too short. It would be nice if you could add more scenes so the readers can get a 'feel' of your story, and thus, enjoy your characters more and how you fashioned them out to be.

I am glad that you already introduced both your main characters, and I'm looking forward to the interaction between the two. I just have one small question though.

Will you add a little humor to you story? Because it needs a little spice. Hehe :P

I know the Empress is supposed to be perceived as someone cold and emotionless, but if you add humor or another element aside from mystery, I believe that you can make your story more interesting which is what you need. Hehe :P

Hey!

I'm here to review you for reviewers-found! Hehe :P

Anyway, to start, I really, really like the way you write. Your choice of words gives the chapter a sense of mystery and suspense. I also like how descriptive you are and I wish I could be just as descriptive as you. haha :P I also like the way you shaped your characters. :D

However, your chapter lacked excitement. It was getting draggy towards the end of the chapter possible because of the timidness in the Empress.

Again, I like your writing style, but you could improve on shaping your plot. Hehe :D