I'm finally getting around to this! Yay! I only have a few things to pick at on your first chapter, because i saw you were considering rewriting it. So in the spirit of that, here we go!

This sentence was a little weak. Beware passive voice! It is evil!!: This was all that could be heard from inside his head.

Nero’s long golden hair covered his blue eyes as rain severed his view- I think you could do so much better with description! Maybe say something about the state of his hair and leave out the color of his eyes until later. Here it sounds like you just want to get it over with. I put bits and pieces of my character throughout the story, and I find that it is a lot more fun for me and the reader.

but his determination drew him on.-I’m confused about that verb.

Sounds of evil cackling could be heard form the dark gloomy skies.-I like this sentence, but it could be so much better. Like for instance: He heard a malevolent cackle as it was cast down from the dark sky. -or something like that. Moral to the story, you don’t need “sounds of”


Nero’s eyes watered, however it wasn’t from the rain but from his imminent tears.- You don’t need to explain the tears weren’t from the rain. The way you have it in the story makes it pretty obvious.

He had long grey hair that went down to his waist and wore white moon shaped glasses. His robe was a rich crimson color with purple stripes going vertically down. He stood there smiling, towering above Nero.-I love this description! It really tells me who the character is, not just what he looks like.

“How long was I exactly asleep grandfather Albertus,” Nero asked as he drank heartily. He coughed violently then cringed as the rancid liquid trickled down the wrong hole.-I fell in love with this sentence too. Good comic relief!
Albertus was the founder of the village of Tovaan. An idolized figure. He was looked up upon by everyone in Tovaan even by few people from neighboring lands. Before he came along, Tovaan was merely an isolated grass plain with nothing but dirt. However, once great Albertus came, he and a few of his followers settled down. With their powerful Magick and craftsmanship skills, they transformed the desert plains of Tovaan to a bustling village, where families and economy prospered.-maybe you can scatter this information throughout the story. Show, don’t tell.

“Well, I’m not exactly sure,” Albert chuckled. “I would say around…” He thought for a moment delaying the answer. He knew perfectly well how long Nero was asleep for, but it was a matter of how Nero would take the news, but there was far more shocking news to be revealed so Albertus lowered his head and looked at Nero from the top of his silver glasses.- I love this thought process for him. From what you have already told us about Albertus, he seems like the kind of guy who would think like that.

He was a boy whose village had vanished and he was one of the sole survivors.—maybe have the boy say this.
I am confused as to why you refer to Albertus as Albert and Albertus

What happened to the other boy? Is he just standing there? You said he spoke. What did he say? Wait! I retract what I have said about the boy. I just read it again and figured out it was Nero. Ok. Well, I suggest making that clearer, because that really threw me for a loop.

I am a little concerned about how the names coincide : Albertus and Nero sound greek whereas Litith and Talkin sound like basic fantasy and Scott is modern day. It tells me nothing about your world or the people in it.


Other than that, i think that your character is motivated and believable, and i like how you leave the dreams unexplained to leave the readers wanting more. Overall a good job.

Oh interesting. Mental conflict and a decisive fight. I wonder what's gonna happen next chapter.

And also Verdia is still alive hmm. Does she likes Nero?

Anyway, happy writing~

Seriously, you need to read this stuff through.

Write it, leave it for a day then read it through and change the sentences about, use different adjectives, correct spelling mistakes etc etc.

Then leave it for another two days and come back again, repeat the process, read it through thoroughly for sentences that don't make sense (you do a lot of these) and finally submit it.

As a general rule you should be spending at least as much time correcting and tweaking your writing as you are actually doing the writing. Right now you have a great concept, a nice style, really good pace and awful sentence structure and word choice.

Thing is on a lot of chapters (particularly some of the ones after number 20) you'll do a rewrite and suddenly the quality doubles and your style comes through, but when you've got a half finished sentence or a word that's being overused (ungodly, for example)it ruins the effect and distracts the reader, which is what you want to avoid above all!

So rewrite the chapter, get someone to beta later ones for you and it'll be smooth sailing from there.

WoW! All I can say... I thought Nero might be able to keep a hold of himself... But I guess not.

Interesting...

All I can say is, WOW! Intense and deep is this chapter.

Nice chapters, and I like the plot twists you have there.

However, even though you make Scott kills Verdia in the previous chapter, I think you can make it slightly more dramatic if you did it in a slow, but tormenting way.

But that's just my comment though. Haha.

Happy writing anyway =).

OH MY! But... What is the clone thingy? She has a clone? When did this happen? But also wow! Both a sad a nd a well written chapter.

You killed off the girl! Wow! that was good though! I half hate you for killing the girl but I love how well this story is written and have to keep reading it! (If you happen to bring the girl back, i might lose hate again)

hmm, I thought Scott didn't seem trustworthy. Good story. I have alot of stories to catch up on reviewing so I am sorry that this is so short

[He had completely forgotten about the journey to save Tovaan and instead, was too caught up in learning more about Sarlucia.]

Info dump.

You used too many lines to break paragraphs apart in the previous chapter to show the time gap between the events, especially annoying for short paragraphs ranging between 4-7 rows.

Try using symbols to break them apart instead, i.e. -, o, and etc. It'd look a lot neater.

[He swallowed hard only to swallow again as his throat grew dry.]

It's better for not repeating the same word twice in a sentence. I suggest removing the part 'only to swallow again as', replacing it with:

{He swallowed hard and found his throat grew dry.} Something like that.

Yeh, and try rework with some sentences which suffers the repeating words problem.

[Taking a step to his right he fell.]

A comma before 'he fell'.

Punctuation, yeh.

Works out fine, I guess. Keep the work up and keep improving.

Happy writing anyway.

Can't wait till you write more. This story is turning out really good. Sorry about the you can't kill the hero thing. I am used to my sisters writing where at the end she likes to just kill the hero in an "artistic" way. Like I said, keep writing and good job. This is a great idea that you have come up with.

ok, Ithought something like that would happen (not really)
Sorry about the earlier review ^~^.
You really are a good writer. But, I always have to finish a story that I start so, I am glad that I kept going. This story is really turning out great!

Do not kill off your hero!
BIG NO NO!
You do not kill off the hero in the middle of a story!
This turns many would be readers away!
The story is for the hero to finish!
I will say that you right well with some gramatical errors, but, I will not review any more of your story. I do not like the hero dieing in the middle of the story. It makes it so that the story can not go on. You can kill the hero at the end and make every one cry but not in the middle. If you write another story I will read it but, like I said, you turned a would be reader away.
hmm, I'll finish the story review.but, I don't feel any interest in this story now that the hero is dead. Next review will be impartial facts. I keep reviewing ONLY because you reviewed my story. I DON'T like heros being killed in middle of stories!
Impartiallity: You write well, couple of grammatical errors. Keep writing.

Oh dear... despite having revised the chapter, I can't say it's brilliant.

First off, "pie (pile?) of fresh steaming **"? What were you thinking man!? It just doesn't fit at all with the story, Nero's character, or indeed the general mood of the moment. Never do that again, or I'll be forced to murder you in your sleep. :P

Now, you still have a couple of problems with word relevance. You use adjectives where they really shouldn't be and verbs in the wrong context. For the most part you can just skim over it and not notice, but it's painfully obvious when you say things like "hit from a large force", which should be "by a large force" You need to think out the sentences in your mind before you start writing them, then say them out loud to yourself once they're written. You don't make mistakes like this in real life, so I'm almost certain it's just that you aren't being careful enough when writing.

As for the adjective confusion, it's a tough one. If you don't know what the adjectives mean don't use them, but if you think you know what they mean, but in fact don't, it can be difficult to do anything about it. Just bear in mind that your most common mistake is to use an adjective that seems similar to the purpose you are using it for but is in fact only similar, and not correct in the context.

There are a couple of other things to mention but they're mostly minor points. The good still outweighs the bad, but the bad is really bugging me.

So just try waiting an hour after writing your chapter, reading it all through out loud and slowly to check if the sentences make sense then editing in the changes.

Oh, and muffle isn't a noun (well, not in the context you used it) or a verb, it's an adjective. You can't muffle, you have to be muffled.

Cya on monday!

Benedict