Hi Raleven! Before I begin, I want to let you know that this story almost made me cry. As an openly gay teen in high school, I was able to relate to almost everything that you wrote, and regardless of whether or not you are a LGBT teen, you obviously comprehend what we have to go through every day. I hope every day that our lives get better, and even if they don't, I realize we have to stay strong.

Anyway, the review:

It'd be great if you somehow expressed the sudden transition of the points in time described in this story. Unless my reading analysis skills are bad, all of the text before, "Excuse me?" is referring to what has already happened, e.g. the outing, ect. When Girl addresses Boy, it is in the present, correct? I think it'd be fine if you just added a solid line between the paragraph starting with "Excuse me?" and the paragraph ending with, 'It felt like I had fallen into an endless dark abyss to the point of no return.'. If my analysis is incorrect, then disregard this whole paragraph.

There are a lot of punctuation errors throughout the story, such as "I was so close to a new life. One where I might start over." which should be, "I was so close to a new life; one where I might start over." Another example is, "Depressing isn't it?" which should be, "Depressing, isn't it?". You may want to look up where to use commas and semi-colons if you do not already know. I didn't know until about 8th grade, but once I learned, it kind of just stuck. One last example: "I had it coming, this has been in the making since my freshman year, so it was bound to happen at some point." I would have written it as, "I had it coming; it had been in the making since my freshman year, so it was bound to happen at some point." - You used the past perfect "had been" to modify "it" (or in your case, 'this', which I am unsure of its correctness), but then you used the simple past to modify the second "it" in "it was bound to happen". I believe that since "it/this" are pronouns for the same thing, you should use the same tense for them. This depends entirely on what you want to say, though, but since you are referring to something that had already happened (the suicide), I think you'd use "had been".

Spelling was a big thing too. I won't go into any details 'cause it's elementary; just use a spell checker to catch the little errors. A simple way to do this is to create a Blogger account with your g-mail account if you have one, and copy/paste the story into a new post. If I recall correctly, Blogger has a built in spell checker. If not, then Firefox or IE should have one.

Here's another tense problem: "If she was seen". You could get by with this with no problem, however, it'd be more proper to say, "If she WERE seen". The reason for this is because you are using the conditional mood (I believe it's called that). Think of it this way: If you could change the statement to start with "Were.." to mean "If", then you say "were". For example, you could have also written, "Were she seen with me..". Therefore, you'd say: "If she were seen..". The use of the conditional tense's rules (and the Subjunctive mood's) is becoming scarce; most native English speakers seem to say "If he was.." ect anyway, so if you DO use "were" instead of "was", it could earn you some extra brownie points with publishers/critics (:

The plot was altogether pretty great, except for one thing: not enough really happened. The idea of the story is great, but not much happens with Girl and Boy. I would've preferred to read a little bit more about their friendship. A great plus, however, was the song that Boy sang; it was spectacular. All in all, the story is a real great one, and if I were to try to create a story like this, then I'd want to induce the same emotions that this one does.

Great job.

nice perspective. umm... yea. i am really glad that not everybody in this world is like those jerks at that school and it sucks that there are people like dat.

That made me all... sobby-like. How utterly depressing, and yet well written. It really shows that both gay people and the loving straight but not narrow people get crap. Cruel society. I liked the bit about the names... It was like... Aw. T-T;;

By the way, this is "snuggle-bear".

aw! that was really good, well done :) well written!

That was wonderfully written!! Beautifully Tragic. I feel so sorry for them both!! But I hope the girl ends up being happy!!

OMG... wow...

This was so sad :( I would be in tears if someone sang a song like that to me!

Your writing is incredible! Very inspiring :)

I'll definately take a look at your other stories.

I cried T_T So sad.

So depressing and tragic :( The title seems perfect, though... sob, I can't believe he killed himself even after he found a friend! I mean, the girl is already "labeled" so to speak, and now she'll just feel even more pain now that he's left her...
gah, I can already see her suicide coming! Although she seems way too optimistic for that...

I must say I am rather disconcerted to see you writing about a) suicide, b) being outcast because one is gay, and c) (a)
because of (b).

But it was very beautiful and tragic at the same time. The tense confused me at times... (present vs. past?) but it was so very serious all along (although I could see some Pattyness shining through as example in the line: she tackles me to the ground in a hug)

BE HAPPY ^^