Well, what can I say about this piece? For one thing I pretty much liked the way you handled descriptions. They didn't seem to be overly long and boring and it's not easy to balance it.
The dream scene at the beginning was okay, but I felt it could've been handled a little better. It lacked that 'something' that makes the battle exceptional IMO.
Also, I've noticed that your character descriptions are somewhat discriminating: you sacrificed quite some time to tell the readers how Alice and Kendra look like, however gave little info about Prosper or Zeik appearance. I don't think it's right.
The setting of the story seems interesting, though you still barely let us know what the story is going to be about. Thus far it's proceeding rather nicely and the characters are portraited good (though I prefer to learn what the character is like through his/hers actions more then descriptions).
Overall I'd say you certainly have something there and managed well can become a good story. I'll cut the reading short for now, but I'll be putting this on my favs to read some more in the near future and since I prefer to review each chapter, I suppose you can expect more reviews from me soon.
Good luck with future chapters.

I'm really surprised this doesn't have more reviews. It's clear you've put time and effort into it. It's more descriptive and flows better than most stories out there. While I'm not really into the more "young adult" type fiction, I think you've pulled me in. Good job

Well, let me begin by saying that I really enjoyed this. Also, let me tell you that this story has limitless potential. You have a way with words that paints a picture for your readers and, with a little refining, I think you could be famous.

But, I have to be a little picky. You can not succeed without a little constructive criticism! Let me start with this sentence:

"Their feet moved like ballerinas as they slashed and parried back and forth. The only sound that emitted from the room was the pings and pangs of the swords and the quick, rhythmic sound of their feet. Serqet and the children remained hidden within all of the darkness."

I find it weird that you would use the term "ballerinas" to describe their feet. I think I understand where you were going with "ballerinas", that their fight was like an elegant dance between enemies, I just think that word does not work in the context of the story. Could you maybe say, 'They moved with the grace of elegant dancers as they... etc. etc.'?

You also seem to get a little blah in some places. I'll use the above sentence as an example again. "hidden in all of the darkness." Maybe its the nerd in me speaking, but it seems so... blah. What about, surrounded by the perpetual darkness or something more exciting? It's like... I get that his math class is boring, but why is it so important and why do you repeat it so frequently?

Well, don't be mad at me. :x lol I luff you and you shouldn't worry about my reviews! I'm just thorough, eh? ;) I think the only thing I have trouble with is thinking in the age group that this particular story seems aimed at. I'd classify this as 'YA' and my brain only has two paths: perverted path, and complicated court. ;) I say that we should just wait and see how it developes!

i thought that was a good story that was very descriptive. i think that so far it has a very good plot going on, makes me want to read what will happen next. funny note..i couldn't really pronounce some of the names of the characters ^^..the characters made me think and picture them in my head...very interested in how prosper develops and his relationship with Alice. very good!! write more

Abbey