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| SamanthaNicole 2007-10-26 ch 1,  | abuseThis is a really interesting idea, having Aly teach tennis at a school she used to go to. I love the 'return home, face embarrassment, yada yada' stores. Also, William is adorable. Yay, Spanish! (Spanish minor. I have a thing for languages, can you tell? :-p) I love the dialogue you use. Very funny. A few grammar things (Sorry - English major. I can't help myself, haha): x. "Okay, you can open your eyes now." The pair of hands were removed from Alea's eyes... x. As those words were spoken, a loud bell rung three times. x. All grins were immediately wiped off the previously grinning faces surrounding her. x. Aly, do not go trying to tell me off. You're six years younger than me, and on your bloody gap year, for Christ's sake. (Side note: What is a gap year?) x. When using quotations, some form of punctuation should fall after the last word inside the quotes if you're going to continue the sentence. For example: "And I may be young, but stupid is one thing I am not," Aly retorted, grabbing her hoodie from where it had been thrown on the soda, and pushed open the door... x. "Oh! Sorry, Miss Reese. Um, do you know if Mr. Jones is in there?" x. There are a few commas missing here and there, but that can easily be fixed with a quick read-through. x. William, which was Mr Cox’s first name, watched her silently, studying her face. (I don't know if 'which was Mr. Cox's first name' is really necessary here. Since he's the only person she's talking to, we can assume that William is his name without being told.) x. 'Warm soup and an electric fireplace in the staff room sounded most appealing, for once, surprisingly, he thought to himself, as they began a game, Cassie and Aly on one side, and himself serving; the girls ganging up on him obviously, having their own little conversation down the other end of the court while he unyieldingly hit every single shot back to the pair.' This is a really, really long sentence that could easily be broken up so it'd be easier to read. Maybe something like: 'Warm soup and an electric fireplace in the staff room sounded most appealing, he thought, as they began a game. Cassie and Aly were on one side, and he was serving...' You can take it from there. Mind you, those are all just suggestions. Sometimes I just can't stop myself :-p This looks really promising. Good luck! Cheers, Sammy |