FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| FoxStorm 2007-11-02 ch 1,  | abuseI figured the room would be empty. Good display of the stupidy people can have when enraged or denied, even something as simple as not getting in a room. I think it would be better if it was just " The room was empty" Good work. |
| Ghost in the Dark 2007-11-02 ch 1, | abuseI half expected that whatever was in the room would be what maimed him. Kudos for the unexpected deliverance. That's including the ending (even though the semicolon was out of place; try elipses for pause, it may even sound better without punctuation in the middle). And 'unconscious' might work better than 'comatose' in his situation. Comatose made me think of a car accident aftermath in a hospital rather than collapsing on the floor. That aside, I enjoyed this. Keep up the good work. ~Ghost |