ok, nice story line, i like where the plot is going. maybe im too narrow minded, but i didnt like the archaism, like thee and so on. It works when she prays, but, for me, steals away from the story when they talk like that. It alienates the reader. Otherwise, keep going! :)

i like this chapter better. everything seems to flow a little bit better than before. i also like the tone you tell your story in; it's unusual to see someone telling the story like a casual observer, sort of off-hand, even. i think that it's good that you don't use a lot of dialogue; i think it would actually detract from the story rather than add to it. i'll get around to reviewing your other two chapters eventually; i'm really enjoying this story! keep it up!

~KF

Your descriptions are very original; I especially like your focus on colour, ebony, lilac, orange etc.
I know you said this was just an experiment but it seems to be working really well to me, except the old-fashioned dialogue sometimes seemed a little forced. I'm wondering are the religious undertones going to play a big part in the story? Anyway, good job and keep writing!
xFestinax

Whoop. Getting a bit tense right here.. I really like the sentence structure here. Short long, descriptive/active/passive, it really gives the story a fresh look on the dark themes it presents. Please write more. =)

sup yo! thought it was about time I reviewed back =D

For some reason the first few lines remind me of Kezia, but maybe that's because of the "star above Bethlehem" reference. I see you're continuing with the whole short, short, short, long pattern. It's good.

" evening took pink to the sky." - nice! very cool.

m, interesting. Now onto the next chapter..

This story hasn't failed to keep my attention so far, which is saying something, for me.
I think it's because of how you present the characters and their situations. Nothing is a given, and hardly anything is provided information. There has to be thought behind it when you read, and it's mysterious.
I can't wait for the characters to be revealed further. So many seem to have dark intentions - Broadfall, for example - while others, like Ana, seem innocently oblivious to what's going on around them. Or maybe it's that they know what's happening, yet refuse to recognize it?
I love it. Please update soon.

This is very intense. Ana's character seems very complex; if I'm reading this right, I think that you're trying to convey that Ana is a good and trying mother, she just has difficulty on expressing that through her actions to her daughter. The cavern that Sylvia ran into is very symbolic. Was it meant to be?

I know that you're experimenting with style, but it actually comes out as being very... Twilight Zone- like, in a manner of speaking. The old age dialogue is actually very interesting. What drew me to this story was the summary on the main page, and how it deals with darker themes- much like mine does. It's nice to see authors that aren't afraid to take that approach.

Poor Sylvia. And how sad...
Sad, but very good, although sometimes sentences make little sense. I like the style, just be careful about making the meaning clear. It's been--it seems--forever since you first posted this; I hope you write more soon!

Very nice.

Keep up the good work.

Review Mine lol

Interesting, interesting. A few spelling errors, but, other than that, it seemed really interesting.

I like how you described the father and son first, and then described the main character, and *then* introduced the four of them at once. It led to all sorts of speculation, on my part, which nice for the beginning of the story.

I also liked how you made it seem like a personal feud, rather than a societal feud. If I hadn't known it was about a prostitute, I would have believed that it was purely personal. But--you also let some foreshadowing happen, which I liked. The bit about their eyes was rather nice.

Anywho, all and all, good. Extremely so.

-Tyler

I love experimentation! There's a story behind that, but will tell you later. (Don't need it for this review..) This seems more like a long poem with a lot of dialogue... which somehow turns into a story. I love the repetition of the 3rd and 2nd to last lines, very cool. The "reflection" technique (does this make sense? If not let me know) is awesome.
I have to say that the first paragraph seems a but too chunky... I think it could put some people off, like listening to an epic eight-minute song by, say, King Crimson, Yes or some prog-rock band. Other than that, do write more on this, I'm loving the unconventional ideas =D experimentation FTW!

Sorry if this is being too nit-picky, but:
In the second sentence, it would sound better as "The sun was low in the sky by late afternoon, creating slanted shadows that made the forest by the river seem golden, black, and thick." The "This time of year" part i unnecessary.

Using slanted twice in the same paragraph is a bit redundant.

Beautiful first paragraph; absolutely beautiful, and good use of repetition, there.

When you say "The older of the pair, and therefore the father" one of thos statement isn't necessary, so just pick one and it'll sound fine.

This sounds so interesting--so keep writing, please!! I want to read more, of course, and with the experimental sentence structure, this reads beautifully, almost like a poem.
Good work!

hm...it's an interesting concept, but i think you lose a lot of readers in the first paragraph. the sentences are long and tend to ramble on. the imagery you present is fantastic, but it needs to be a little more direct. as i was reading, i kept thinking, "where are you going with this?" and then you just sort of left stuff go, like the whole image with the forest ox in safety. it doesn't really tie into the story, so i'd either find a way to tie it in if you absolutely have to keep it or just get rid of it. also, the changing tenses are confusing; are we talking about something that's happening NOW or something that has already happened? all in all, i think it'd make a great story, it just needs a little cleaning up.

GiZMo