Reviews for World in a Soccer Bag

Reviews For: World in a Soccer Bag - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Whit5000 2008-04-07 ch 15,	abusesrry it took so long ta read. i think this chap was actually short enough ta jus had been an add on to ch.14. was that the end?
Whit5000 2008-03-31 ch 14,	abuseOnly saw two errors. "Pharaoh Aunkutsuitah flicked the projectile away with __ sweep of his arm." forgot the 'a' "The projectile hit her shield head-on, 'the' sending her sprawling on her back." take out 'the' real short chap... i at least expected the fight ta go on for one more chap. I loved how Aunkutsuitah was so unbeatable, but damn his existence becomin from a crystal... lol. i was expectin the woman ta hurt em, not stand em home safely... shrugs oh, well. good writin.
Whit5000 2008-03-19 ch 13,	abuseTold ya you ain't need ta worry about the fight scene. This is one the best ones ya written so far! Kept me entertained the whole time. At first, i thought the fight woulda ended in this chap, but you surprised me with the endin, and i'm glad too cuz the fight did look too easy. That pharaoh can do whateva he wants in that world... hell, he has powa ova the soccer teams, right? he could actually use em against Erin and the othas to stop them from attackin him and have them fight. I ain't see no errors at all. Can't wait ta see what happens in ch.14.
Whit5000 2008-03-12 ch 12,	abuseWow! This chap kicked a lotta ! even if it was short. I wish i had read it soona! 0_0 (work, college, and tiredness suck .) First, let me get the lil errors out the way. “Oh, don’t be silly _ Erin." there needs to the a comma afta silly. “'Not' get down from there" take out not. You eitha put it there by accident or you meant 'now'. “I am the pharaoh _ Aunkutsuitah." if you just said pharaoh Aunkutshutah (i dunno how ta say that word. lol.) you wouldn't need a comma, but since you put in the pharaoh, you need one. Also, not really a problem, but you said the players floatin in the air is spose ta be vacant, emotionless when speakin. So there should be no exclamation point when they talk cuz there's no strong feelins in their words at all. So it would make more since to use periods when they talk. Anyway, back to what i was sayin. This chap was ridiculously good to me. Good comedy parts and quotes (i'm a show you what i liked), questions that i asked about chapters ago is finally comin into play and makin me shut up, this pharaoh quickly gettin character development just as soon as he shows up, Erin bein off, and a step towards a big fight scene for ch.13! I think the music i was listenin to also hyped me up even more as i imagined the scenes as i read. The useless objects turnin into harmful weapons was unexpected... but i think i know what entity's helpin em right now... Now for the quotes... there's a lot. Erin: A-A-April Willis! Since when did she learn to fly? Marquis: And John Trotsky, too. He was always full of hot air … I guess it’s not that much of a surprise. i lol'd. ELaine and Monica: Yes, Erin … join us … join us Erin: Never! I shall never join the likes of thee! Marquis flicked her on the side of the head, groaning and shaking his head. “Erin, no using Old English in this universe!” i was wonderin why she said thee, too. lol. “Those dunderheaded giggling ** are not my friends!” this shocked the hell outta me. I had ta reread it ta make sure what i read was what i thought it was. you don't really use words like that... i like it. lmao. i actually did say 'oh, s*' when i read that line. "Get down from there and let’s look for a way to get back to our own dimension! It’s time to leave this place.” “But why would you ever want to go?” Kathy asked in a monotonous yet saccharine sweet voice. I know it ain't a funny quote or scene, but there was just somethin about this part when Kathy asked that question that got me. maybe i was too into the story and needed to calm down, but the question's burned into my mind even if i ain't goin nowhere... :p again, this is probably my imagination of the scene takin ova as i can only picture the surprised faces on Erin, Marquis, and J.V. when they heard her say that. “I’ve never heard of any Egyptian pharaohs named Aunkutsuitah,” Marquis muttered, scratching the back of his head. J.V. whipped out a textbook from behind his back and flipped through the pages. “Yeah … that name’s not even mentioned anywhere in here!” Marquis stared at him blankly. “Where’d you get that?” lmao, random! “Inferior?” A vein popped into view on the side of Erin’s head. “Are you calling me stupid?” Uh, oh, big mistake. “I was once the pharaoh of the glorious kingdom you foolish beings now call ancient Egypt. My rule was one of glory, of great achievements.” “Uh … but that’s not possible,” J.V. insisted. “If you were really as great as you claim to be, then maybe you’d be in my world history textbook.” lol, good comeback. “Alas, what do the merciless waves of time leave behind once we have left the world as we know it? We may make our mark on the world, but as a mar in the sand is covered by the harsh desert winds, it soon disappears.” ... that was deep. can't wait for ch.13, but it's sad that the story's close to its endin.
Whit5000 2008-03-07 ch 11,	abuse... you skipped Erin's test? That took all the suspense outta it. Marquis's test seemed to easy too and short, but it's ok. I did like the jokes before he started the test. The endin made me laugh. lol. sucks for them.
Whit5000 2008-02-25 ch 10,	abusewasn't expectin a 2nd test. the chaps seem ta be gettin shorta and shorta... not much ta say about ch.10 expect Erin betta win. I only saw one error. "Erin hurled the knife in her left hand at the ground and __it the third slab in the fifth row." forgot the h for hit. kinda thought you'd wait til the end a the month to finish ch.10, but looks like ya got it down fasta.
Whit5000 2008-02-17 ch 9,	abuse"Within two turns of the sundial__ you must complete this task …” missin a comma. a few errors. "She eyed the knife for a moment before quickly snatching it off the wall and 'tucked' it out of sight into her sleeve" tucking. "He was 'started' to get tired." starting. "One of his arms 'was' also bloodied and scratched." were. the mini game was well written, but one thing kinda bugs me... i mean, they came ta get the soccer team, but then they wanna go back home? also, “Focus!” Erin bellowed. “Shut up!” J.V. yelled back at her, barely resisting the urge to throw a knife at her. I lol'd. XD good job.
hiro0911 2008-02-11 ch 1,	abuseA very unique plot you've got here. I liked the way it was written. Just a little error - - 'chorused in unison' - - you don't really say 'chorused in unison'. It's a redundancy. You could say 'said in chorus' or 'said in unison'. It's just that it kinda broke that reading momentum for a split sec ^_^ take care, hiro (i'm kinda sleepy right now, sorry for the lame review)
Whit5000 2008-01-31 ch 8,	abuseUm... I ain't like J.V. just appeared outside ok... especially afta the way ch.6 ended. it made me go wtf cuz it made no sense, at least to me. he shoulda eitha been dead (which i doubt was gon happen) or trapped inside that one place with the king and queen. I did like when the three got togetha. the convo was good, Erin sayin the pyramids suck made it smile, as well as all her otha comments. Saw some errors. "The universe that she was apparently too large to be explored thoroughly" i actually dunno what you was tryina say here. "the skeletal warriors came 'charged' at them with a loud war cry" charging “Oh, because our last plan "worked went" terrific, am I right?” Erin snapped. Eitha take out worked or went. that was all i saw. Even though J.V.'s situation was erased, the chap was still good as everyone got back togetha... the endin was interestin... i wonda where that voice is comin from.
Whit5000 2008-01-22 ch 7,	abusewow... very short chap. think this might be the shortest one. Anotha thean Marquis bein chased, nothin really happened, so I ain't got much ta say. At least all three got they POV's on the mysterious world. Now we can get back ta what happened ta the otha two. Can't wait ta see what you can come up with next.
Whit5000 2008-01-02 ch 6,	abusereally short chap and i was expectin more from Erin's pov, but i was wrong, lol. I doubt J.V.'s gon be killed, but i could be wrong about that, too. If the next chap ain't about him, then its gon prolly focus on Marquis. I'm interested in learnin about the pharaoh and how he came ta power, along with the secrets a this universe. lol, there's a lotta mysteries ta be solved.
Whit5000 2007-12-06 ch 5,	abuseIt's all about Erin, huh? So she do care about some people. lol. The world is interestin and world and i wonda why the three got teleported ta different spots. I saw one error. The entire dimension was filled with nothing but pyramids, stretching as far as the eye 'can' see. could. "I don’t see the point of having windows in this universe. Every day, you’d have to look outside and see that the world is just as boring and morose as it was yesterday. Depressing." I lol'd when Erin thought a that. i liked that woman's, uh... home? she has ta be someone important if she got guards. prolly a queen a that world or somethin. i got no prediction or guesses cuz i know nothin about the world or what could happen, but i do know that someone's gon be afta Erin now that they know she's there. Also... that random voice from before. where'd it come from? so many questions... good work.
Whit5000 2007-12-01 ch 4,	abuseYeah, this is the build up ta the parallel world, which is gon be excitin. I ain't see no errors in this chap, too. Quote a the night for me. “Watch out, evil soccer bag, you’re going down.” lol. The weapons they picked at the end was random and I really don't think none a em is gon help, but we gon see, I guess. Still wonderin how Erin got away the first time. I was expectin J.V. or Marquis ta ask her or somethin, even though she prolly wouldn't know anyway. I'm expectin the next chap ta be dark and scary, showin evil beasts and etc.
Whit5000 2007-12-01 ch 3,	abuseI ain't see no errors in this chap. Now the story's gettin more interestin. With questions like, how Erin is ok if she got eaten, and, uh... what the hell is goin on!? 0_0 I wanna see the parallel world... Eventually, Erin, J.V., and Marquis will need ta go in as well... still wonderin how Erin got out...
Whit5000 2007-11-16 ch 2,	abusewas only the first week of summer, much too early for anything to go wrong, but somehow__ things had gotten off to a bad start. comma afta somehow. But he understood completely when he looked. On both of the beds sat somebody’s bag – neither J.V.’s nor Marquis’_ forgot the extra s for Marquis's possession. “It’s probably just 'the' John and the others playing a trick on us,” the don't need ta be there unless people really call him 'the john' But what they saw in the room shocked them into silence, 'into' forgetting everything else around them. the second into don't need ta be there. “This is turning out to __ a horrendous summer vacation.” be. Pressing down on the handle, he 'and' flung the door open and needs ta be deleted. I expected more things with Erin, but I guess I'll need ta wait til chapter 3, unless a 3rd soccer team is added as well... I really wanna know what happens ta everyone that gets eaten... lmao, maybe they all come back as one big, evil soccer team (as in Erin's team and J.V.'s team) that takes ova the world by beatin every team around the world in soccer. lol, no, that probably ain't gon happen, but it would be a fun anime ta watch. XD

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