A very interesting and sureal story. Beautiful in a way. The only thing is that the ending chapters started to feel rushed, I think a few rereads and a little more editing would really make this piece.

Barely any quibbles at all here. We're still in first person and seem to have taken on omniscient POV, which can be dangerous and difficult to work with.

'A guy sits on a bench drinking a can of cheap cider and scratching the rusty cybernetic port on the back of his neck, parting soft grey hair.' This is quite a long sentence. I would shorten it by cutting out the 'parting soft grey hair'. It reads more sharply this way.

Lovely conversation between the boy and the girl. What a wonderful situation. To be wary of a vending machine. It calls up so many questions.

'The door slides open with an ambient swish.' What door where? And when you mention the man straight after I thought he must have something to do with this mysterious door. For me, this could be cleared up by referring to him as the tramp.

There were a few other little things, which made me, pause but I think these three reviews are enough to be going on with.

I hope you find them of some use.

The first thing to hit me in the chapter was that it was in present tense whereas the previous was in past. However many stories alternate tense and person if they are going to have multiple points of view which I assume you are. This is definitely not the protagonist from the first chapter after all.

Is the keypad on the Redeemer? If so I would change ‘the keypad’, to ‘its keypad’ in order to make it clearer. I was unsure whether this was a keypad on the vending machine, on the Redeemer, or maybe just floating in space.
"It works." he mutters, "Woo hoo. Stop the ** press." Just a few punctuation quibbles here. Nothing major. "It works," he mutters. "Woo hoo. Stop the ** press."
‘He stops. He sniffs the air. Recognising the scent, he gives chase.’ Later you say there is no atmosphere. In that case how can the air be sniffed? What scent is being traced, bearing in mind space is a vacuum. Or does this creature have some extra sense?

‘He becomes a Dog.’ This is a very intriguing moment and yet you brush it off with this sentence. How does he become a dog? Slow reorientation of muscles? With a pop? As he’s moving?
For example, ‘He morphs into a dog, fluid and seamless. Adopting four legs as easily as two.’

‘Platforms in the air.’ Do you mean platforms hanging supported by nothing? They can’t be in the ‘air’ for one, as there is ‘no atmosphere’. And you say there is antigrav so surely they would fall if unsupported?
Again you have him scent where he should not be able to scent- No atmosphere- unless you’re going to give him a special reason for being able to do so. When he aims his rifle does he become humanoid again? Assuming he was humanoid in the first place.

I would shorten the long paragraph into two or three smaller ones to make it an easier read.
‘It's hard to focus on him because of the monochrome double helix that follows him around like everything else is twisted and he's the only straight thing in the world.’
An intriguing line. I have no idea what it means but I’m going to assume it becomes clear over time. I would however, cut it in two and remove the because. It will make it sharper.

I think you have a really good story going here. You’re building tension. I can feel something is going to happen, which draws me on. It looks like I have criticised a lot but they are all niggly little things. To tighten up the story and aid the reader in suspending belief.

Very nice. The first line is a great one to draw the reader in. Everyone likes a bit of mystery. The second line I would scrap all together. If he has no face, then you shouldn't be describing it. Hold onto that mystery. Your protagonist’s reactions are enough to tell the reader quite how disturbing this faceless man is anyway.

'I shouldn't have looked him in the face. I'd be able to forget it all by now, if I hadn't looked him in the face.'

I would shorten to
'I shouldn't have looked him. I'd be able to forget it, if I hadn't looked him.'

'...tapping his fingers mechanically on the bar.' This line made me hesitate. I hadn't been aware he was in a bar. I knew only that he was in a space port.


'You know, the kind of place where you can refuel your ship with the booze and none of the women are the same species as you.' This line is glorious. It engages the reader by addressing him or her and draws him or her into the story. It has humour and it immediately paint a picture of the locale.

I wish I understood the reference to Microsoft. It would probably be amusing to me then. But--

even without that I did enjoy this short piece. The description of the space port is great for atmosphere--

Oh! Penguin! Linux! Ah...lol...shouldn't this be under humor? Or am I reading it wrong? Snrk...

Anyway, now I get it. Slow me. The one other issue be that you say the "paladin" has no face, but describe his eyes and say "I shouldn't have looked him in the face." He'd be much creepier if there was a consistent description of the facelessness. Enjoyable piece, despite the confusion due to my slowness...or over-interpretation?