FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Kenna-Kat11 2007-11-07 ch 1,  | abusei love this because it is so true and has an awesome meaning! nice work! ~E~ |
| Ryan Schiff 2007-11-07 ch 1, | abuseI like the first stanza and second stanzas, but concider putting a comma in "simple, but" just to keep the rhythm. You may also want to fiddle with the wording of line six both to make a more consice image and to maintain the rhythm ("to do but keep" feels a bit choppy). In stanzas three and seven, which seem to be sort of chorus sections, you break the rhyme scheme. It hurts because the rest of your rhyme is so very direct. Stanza five is good, however you could change the ... into a comma. I like the enjambment, it shows a sort of breakdown, a begging, shuttering tone. Stanza six goes into a very directly narative story, which the reader is, after only three lines, torn out of. This is very jarring. You may want to include more about the narative story here, probably a few verses earlier on which make up more story. The vocabulary is not exactly "well developed" but it has a certian draw because of how simple and direct it is, like the simplicity of love and raw emotion. ~RS |