Reviews for The Nite War - FictionPress.com

SnowStarIsForeverAlone
2008-03-15
ch 1,

abuseI'm just gonna post what i posted on ROLAs so Its all in one place for ye!

Prologue: Simply amazing. I love it and it's very catchy!

Chapter One; I like it. There are a few parts I would change. When introducing Sara you use the word 'assassin' a lot. You may want to find some synonyms. Also, in my mind all the cars look the same. i would describe them in more detail and not use the word 'trailer' as much. Also the fact that each person went up to the counter and had basically the same routine is somewhat boring. I would change it up a bit. I would also mention Snow when Brandon and Shadow get out of their car and ye should describe the pets a bit more. Your human character descriptions are right on the mark though! and um...don't they have to pay for their rooms? Nice job throwing her job in again when she got to the house, I had nearly forgotten.

Overall; It's awesome so far. However I noticed a few thing ye may be able to do to make it even better. When I am reading this I see a pace of the present, and despite my dislike of the now it is my belief that most people are also this way. Therefor, someone walking up to a motel with odd animals would freak me out a bit and would confuse most readers. You may want to spend sometime at the start of chapter one explaining the time and place and weather or not this is Earth. Also, I noticed a few grammatical and spelling mistakes, but those are defiantly not much of a problem. So far this is excellent. The long chapters at first made me groan but as I've gotten into it I love it. most writers have their chapters be only a few paragraphs and though it makes it seem like a quicker read it gets boring quickly. Great job so far!

Aryna Heart
2008-02-05
ch 4,

abuseI really like it, fix the typos, they're kinda annoying, not really though, but to other people they might be, keep working on it, and hurry up, I want to read more...^^

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