FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| End-of-forever 2008-07-01 ch 1,  | abuseHmm...I liked this poem a lot. Funny, though, how that little unselfish corner of me seems to be swamped sometimes by my selfish, bitchy side. lol anyway, nice work. |
| Madison Grace 2008-07-01 ch 1, | abuseWhoa, I'm in the same exact situation once again... Weird. It's really well written.. |
| Voronwe 2008-07-01 ch 1, | abuseNot bad. I think your emotion here is legitimate and it something everyone can honestly relate to. A few technical things: while the majority of your rhymes are solid, "girl/well" is a weak spot, and given the fact that it is the first rhyming pair in your poem, you might want to address it. Also, in terms of consistency, "Can it by love? I'm not sure/Either way, I feel more/Than I've ever felt before", while a good rhyming trio, breaks up the rhyme scheme you have here. It may have been intentional, I don't know, but it stuck out to me. Can I make a suggestion? If I've learned one thing in writing, it's that when writing a poem, the superior way to express an emotion is to show the reader, not tell the reader. So rather than saying "I'm heartbroken because my love is with another girl", why don't you show us? Give us a scene (poetically, of course) of your unrequited love. You'd be surprised how much more powerful your theme can become. But ultimately it is your poem. Overall, nice work. Very heartfelt. -V |
| kloun doll 2007-11-15 ch 1, | abuseI like this: She didn’t take him from me; He was never mine to lose, it looks like a song, the rhyme is cool. |