Reviews for State of Nature - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: State of Nature

Iced Tea Junkie 2008-03-05 ch 1,	abuseThis is a good start. I noticed few errors in spelling/grammar, and your style is perfect for this sort of story. One thing to be careful with is pacing. I understand that you were going for a shock effect, and it worked, but you might want to slow down afterwards. For example, you should make it clear to the reader exactly what happened in the restaurant. I was unsure whether it was a hit-and-run or if the shooter fled the building. More description would help, especially for setting, and you don't seem to run the risk of overdoing it. Well, that's all for now. I'll promise to get back to you soon! -Iced Tea Junkie
GryphonFledglingOfSilverWin... 2008-01-03 ch 3,	abuseWhen they come out and Cal sees Morgan crying, you say that all he sees is a figure. Then suddenly he knows it is a girl when he points her out to Joe. You might want to mention that he realizes that she is a girl before he points her out to Joe. "back round" = background One last nasty critique: Morgan seems to warm up to Cal really fast. Personally, if I were out on the curb crying and two guys walked up to me as it is getting dark, I would get out of there really fast. Even if they were really nice, I don't think that I would let one sit down next to me. I mean, I don't even know them, there's two of them, and they have a car. Who knows what they are going to do to me? Maybe it was because she was upset. The reader knows that Cal is a good guy, but Morgan really doesn't. Now that all that is over, I really did like the chapter. The whole vanilla conversation was so cute. You write dialogue very well. And I agree with Cal: vanilla is the king of flavors. Chocolate is the best of comfort flavors, but vanilla trumps all in overall taste. :) I'm liking Cal as a character, as well as Morgan. I haven't seen enough of Joe doing things other than chasing down trucks, but he seems like he is a good guy. Cheers to you, ~GryphonFledglingOfSilverWings
GryphonFledglingOfSilverWin... 2008-01-02 ch 2,	abuseK, so my miracle note was unnecessary in the last review. As was, to a certain extent, the "showing." However, I would very soon do more than hint at it... A suggestion might be, rather than start out when Joe and Cal going to the resturant, have then talking to someone in Cal's family or something, so that we can see the "naivety" of the others and Cal's sarcasm in full technicolor as soon as the story begins. Since this is told in first person, it is pretty important to characterize. Unless you want the person to just be a narrator rather than an active participant, but the reader is likely to be incredulous with such a narrator. I liked the reminiscing about the egg as Leo is shot. It brings human nature to the front and gives a vivid image without having to be horribly graphic. You are quite talented at straight-forward descriptions as well. ~GryphonFledglingOfSilverWings
GryphonFledglingOfSilverWin... 2008-01-02 ch 1,	abuseGreat first chapter. I loved the irony of the first and second lines. "I'm an Irish Catholic to the bone." = "So I prayed for the first time in months." I'm Roman Catholic and it's nice to see a Catholic character occasionally. "I've lived with a bunch of niave, smile-struck..." I think you mean "naive." "I shot him a look." What kind of look? I know that we all know what "a look" means, but you are descriptive in everything else and it just feels empty after the richness around it. You could completely cut it and the chapter would feel no ill effects. Also, miracle number one for Joe: what exactly was it? Has it happened yet? If not, make sure you point it out with big arrows when it does. Otherwise, your reader loses that great lead up that you set up. And if it doesn't happen in this chapter, you might want to consider having it all happen in the same chapter. That way the reference and the event all are tied together in a common package. Your character describes himself in the first couple of sentences. That is a major example of telling rather than showing. Sure, this is the introduction to the story so a bit is excusable, but I would start showing these traits as soon as humanly possible. I liked this. You have talent. thumbs up ~GryphonFledglingOfSilverWings
AuthorLittle 2007-11-18 ch 3,	abuseBueno! Very interesting...it's one of those rare writings that reads as easy as a comedy but...obviously...deals with deeper and darker things.

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