FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Susurrus 2007-12-08 ch 1,   | hey, sorry for the late reply review :\ i like the sound to this, you use rhythm well, I might suggest some little things: using something more natural instead of "alas" because it doesnt seem to fit the voice , and I think the last word would have more effect if it was followed by a period (they can change an awful lot...) and I think it's good :) maybe you should experiment more with using images and metaphors to express feelings, try thinking of stuff that hasnt been thought of before that can represent the emotion...or whatever you like, really, just write what feels best good luck! |
| ChowMein 2007-11-20 ch 1, | WOW O_O That's totally the way I feel. I like this oem; it really expresses how a lot of us feel. |
| Immune 2007-11-19 ch 1, | It was written well and made a lot of sense to me. I used to be the same kind of person until everybody found somebody else to come to with all their issues (though I was the opposite of you, I didn't feel trapped, I felt better). However, I'm probably the exception to the rule, and most people would agree completely with you. As you said in your profile, there are a few rough edges as far as flow goes, (poems written in free verse don't need any sort of regular rhythm, but they should flow from one line to another and not feel awkward, like the line "Can’t get free from anyone, and when I actually do there are few that hold on". I personally don't know what to write, but it just felt a bit awkward. Something that helps with that is a thesaurus (or at least an online one...it's also faster and more convenient, if you write poetry on the computer). One less I've learned in writing poetry is that it has to come from the heart, as your poem seemed to have done. If you write a sad poem when you're happy, it won't be the same as if you write a sad poem while you're sad (even if it's unrelated to what you're sad about). The emotion that you have at the time finds its way subconsciously into word choice, which can impact the mood of the people reading it, which makes it even better. When you write a poem, truly mean it, and it will be great! Good luck writing, and you're off to a much better start than myself, so you deserve some major kudos! |
| Random-Idiocity 2007-11-19 ch 1, | The first line is great.. I know I felt this way before. Keep it Up! |