Heh. Sorry it tooke me so long to get to this. Okay...

[bright—almost holy—] since you used [bright] in the previous sentence, in the same meaning, you may want to think of changing that.

[As if it were an angel’s abode, he walked.] I don't think this sentence works. The [angel's abode] comment seems out of context.

[and hung from him like the thinnest of liquid.] I think saying something more here would make this sentence more powerful. Liquid can be a good comparison, but not when you only say one thing without going deeper. Liquid won't really suspend itself from midair...

[He stopped and then knocked.] knocked on what? Describe the setting more.

[pay you handsome rewards.] pay and rewards doesn't really go together. Maybe something like [pay you handsomely for your troubles]

This is a good start, and I must say, I love what you have so far, but I really wish you would add more description to this. Characters and settings. You know how much is too much, I think. Great job!

~Caecilia

He levels at deadly speeds doesn't he? Almost unrealistically, but whatever. It's all good (I think). I guess I'll just wait for you to update again >.

...i'm a little confused. just a little. ephraim seems to have so many 'faces' as I'll put it. when he's in combat he seems so different than right now. the idea of Richard Harry and Tom is good though. it's very different ^^

alas, another chapter. the thing i had about this chapter was that you seemed to go into chat-speak randomly. most of the time, like if they were in the game, then they wouldn't be going 'LOL' unless you, Ephraim, was the only character literally incorperated into the game and the rest were just... i dunno, players? Are they all actually in the game, or playing the game through a viewing screen?

This was... what's the word, twisted maybe? I have nothing to say really. the parethesis were again a bit jarring and a bit insulting because i don't know french my friend. i speak fluent german, chinese, and english. i think i'm good, don't you?

Okay, so honestly, I've pointed this out before. The stuff in the parenthesis just throws everything in a loop. Everything is halted by reading parenthesis because it's a dramatic break in the structure of the sentence. It'd probably be best to just find a way to incorperate it into the sentence or just leave it out, whatever works. It's just seems really awkward right now with the parenthesis as 'thoughts' in there.

Mmhmm, a good chapter. The only issue I have right now is that the chapters don't relate very well to each other as of current. it's a bit confusing. the other this is that sometimes when you're describing something you suddenly get all formal when the rest of the passage seems to be in an easy relaxed tone. do you understand what I mean?

Interesting indeed. I wasn't quite expecting that, but that could have been epected T_T. Well, I liked the added description; it's a thing i often look for in new stories. i don't have much to comment on, but the 'sun and moon' thing seems interesting enough, though a tad cliche that he just managed to be the last person and get this incredible item... but alas, i have run out of time (doing this not from home)and i have to scram. so i will continue on with this... tomorrow.

TAD

Ahh, do forgive me Nimit dear. I just now got to this due to the fact that I had a ton of exams a few weeks ago, got my computer scrapped and then before than I was endlessly busy, to put it nicely. So I will begin by saying that it was better than what you've done before in structure and the elements of having the characters have more individualism.

And you included Excalibur!! (is totally thrilled that finally i see the name somewhere. I haven't seen that sword's name in quite a long time... other than one particular piece that I love... anyway, moving on XD)

TAD

The last line made me review this. Parts of it are very good, while others, notsomuch. I like your descriptions of things such as "feather-like swords" and what the people are wearing, but it'd be better if there was more of that. What does Atlantis itself look like? Your paragraph about "nature's slap" was interesting.

"by levitational means" is awkward; howabout "men in elegant sky-like (in color, not in airyness I presume?) gowns levitated up". There are some other bits like that was well, for example "the fate of him"--why not "his fate"?

Not bad.

What can I say? You got me drooling senseless for the next chapter! (Heh-heh... sorry if that was a rather odd description. O_o) I'm not joking: This story idea is gold! It's sounds very original and I absolutely adore your suspense and dialogue. I love it, love it, love it! In a way, it reminds me of Tad Williams's Otherworld, not in a copyright way, but in a writing stylish way.

Of course, things can be edited. There were some (minor) spelling and grammarwise errors, but that's about it. You manage to form paragraphs well, and you must have laid back a little bit on the big-bodied descriptions in this chapter. Next chapter add a little more, for your story might be in need of it.

There's a particular moment of awkwardness when you were writing in first-person: Right after the boy and girl said she was in a coma, the main character (Or whatever his/her name is, Fianne, you know) didn't really respond a lot. You'd think they'd react to that development a bit more. But, that's just my opinion.

Nuthin' else to say! You ought to update soon, for you can't leave your readers in suspense like that! This story sounds so... AWESOME, and you only have one chapter. Just try to be a bit more thorough in the next chap. and delve into the situation more. Please continue! ^^