I apologize for the wait. Vacations and events, you know. Anyways... Off the bat, the document manager must have screwed up your story's format because there's breaks in the middle of sentences and suchlike. Was it acting stupid again? xD I hate it when that happens. Onwards, I didn't see anything begging for corrections in this chapter. The part where Caleb and Felicity are in the meadow/glade was interesting. Drawing it out would be a wonderful idea; or, perhaps, describing the silences in between the two of them, and left the readers to fill in the dialogue spaces on their own. I'm not sure completely--only that that scene CAN have more impact on readers. The banquet scene was nicely orientated. Lastly, from "'She's blind'" downward gave me the chills... and I don't even know why. Nonetheless, I think this was a good transition chapter. Well done!

OME, from a fellow twilighter, this was beyond great!! I found your story on the lexicon and I was like "Hmm. Ok let me read it..." I couldn't stop. It was absolutely GREAT!! It was magical...Please post chapter 5 before I go mad! LOL.

LOVED IT!

Come and check out mine when its posted. I'm kinda new at this so it might not be posted soon, but will be.

Love, Valerie

Sorry I haven't reviewed! I was busy. '-.- But thank you for continuing this story! It has a different type of appeal to it that if you keep working on the story, it could really be somewhere someday. Anyways... Caleb sounds oddly like a certain vampire to me... Edward Cullen. His (Caleb's) character is intriguing, that's for sure. Nice job adding the vampire twist in there -- I never thought that the Zains would be vampires too. And I love your characters and their humor! I hope in the future you include some of Sellth's and Felicity's further torment on Caleb. Call me a sadist if you want, but that stuff is hilarious.

Something's been bugging me as I've read and re-read chapters 2-4. Your story is interesting and captivating, yes, but there always is one vital element that I just can't find. You'll learn it eventually, and it sometimes takes a long time to get, but your story needs to move forward in as fewest words possible. Let me explain: A reader will get bored if something isn't happening, or if something is gone into depth too much. Your story isn't suffering completely from this -- don't worry -- but the sooner it picks up pace, the better it will be.

My friend is suffering from above writing disease as well. It isn't pretty... sometimes my head starts to hurt. Maybe I'm wrong; I think your story will be WORLDS better once it picks up action though. One last word of advice: You don't need to describe everything in a story. For example, listing supplies needed on a trip, foods, etc. A lot of things can be left out in a story.

Your characters are brilliant. They started out a little slow in the beginning, but now they are just brilliant. They are enjoyable to read about! I can't wait to read about chapter five, and about Fel's training. Oh, and your overall word-choice has improved. The Thesaurus! It's your friend, but be careful! lol, anyways, I hope you post chapter five soon.

Not exactly my type of story, but I like it, nonetheless. I think it's even better than most of my writing, and I'm the best writer in my entire English Class!

Well done!

First things first: Seperate your paragraphs. The first chapter wasn't that bad; I could follow along it better. But this chapter... you have got to take the time, start on a new line for most dialogue, and just format your paragraphs! It's really hard to read it when the whole screen is filled up with words. I know, you might not like doing it that way, but your readers won't be able to follow through if you don't help them first.

Sorry if I hit you with that first. But really... you have an imagination, that's for sure. The concept of the Zains is interesting, and I have possibly said this before, but you have a really good knack at capturing character motions and detailed descriptions about Aarane.

Now, at some places in the middle and ending there were some puntuactions errors with you dialogue, but those were just probably typos. In other places, you use some words too repetively. For example:

"...That was more than enough room to sleep. "Mind sharing tonight?" Sellth asked the sleeping girl. She didn't even flinch. Lying down beside the girl, Sellth settled herself in for sleep..."

You used "sleep" three times. That really irks readers, and it would be best if you switched the last two variations of sleep with a phrase or synonym. Word variety is really important in finer writing.

In this chapter, you used better sentence structure, I admit, and you did manage to improve in your description skills, which is also very good. At some points, your characters (i.e. Sellth, Madison, and Arther) kind of went "out of character" by what you described in the very beginning. Their dialogue, which is very flexible, I know, somehow doesn't fit their personalities compared to the actions described. In a way, all of the character's have the same values and behaviours: Try to make their personas clash a bit more even though they're family. Not everybody would act the same.

Whew. Done now. I really can't wait 'til you continue. Your writing is just so different from everbody elses'. And I really, really enjoy reading it-- everything about it radiates natural talent. Please... don't give up on this idea! I love it (especially how you describe things) and I can't wait for the third chapter!

Dang. This is good.

Normally, I would bite someone for not spacing out their story more paragraph-wise, but in your case, it works perfectly. Your descriptions of the new planet and of what Felicity (I think that's her name) travels through are so brilliant and unique (compared to the incapability of a lot of authors who can't describe well.) Your dialogue is also very colorful and funny, especially the parts between Laela and Eric, and kept me reading all the way through.

Now, there are a few things you can work on in other chapters, and one of them is to vary your sentence structure. Some of the sentences-- some, not all --are very choppy, and there were some mistakes in grammer in a few places. Otherwise, you can develop things really well, considering this is in first person.

You've probably heard this a lot before, but I think your writing will flow better and be more captivating if you try writing in an active voice. This dream sequence is from Felicity's view, and thus, all of the dream needs to seem as though she's observing it, which you did pretty good on, minus making it active. Sorry if I confused you... ^^

Lastly in the advice/tips category, I usually tell this to most authors: Suspense, suspense, suspense! It is your friend and ally-- without it, the story bores the reader. Try to not give out some many clues about what the next paragraph will say: Suprise the reader at the end of the sentence or paragraph, not at the beginning. Make dialogue beautiful and setting interesting with just a few words.

Yeah... punctuation in some parts flaxed once or twice. In the end, that's all I have to tell you. I loved this: It's unique, different, original, well-written, and very well thought out. That mother/father twist at the end surprised me (Add more suspense? *puppydogeyes*) and I think you have some very realistic characters going on (lol at Mica.) It kind of shocked me at the beginning where you said her fake-dad beat her. (Last tip: Why did Felicity so readily believed Laela and Eric were her parents? Even in her condition, I don't think see would react that way. But never mind me: This is your story, and if you think that works on the plot, follow it.)

Please continue. And I mean it. There's too many writers out there that give up on the first few chapters. I love your writing, and I can't wait to read your next chapter! (Which I will do right now.) XD