   Lily Llynn 2007-11-25 . chapter 1It's generally pretty good. The writing's decent, and the characters seem to have flesh, which is good.
I do have a few criticisms, if you don't mind. I'm not trying to be mean, and hopefully this is constructive! (:
-Don't use cliched phrases. Please, please, please. I know we hear them all the time, but that's exactly why we shouldn't use them. One example I found was "a sight for sore eyes."
-Watch your tense. And voice. You pretty much kept a past tense and third person POV throughout the chapter, but there were lines that didn't quite fit in. In third person, there shouldn't really be lines that are like "thoughts" of the character. I don't mean actual thoughts like "Nicola thought, 'blah blah blah.'" I mean statements more like "Nicola can’t help the self-satisfied smile on her face." This not only switched to present tense, it made the reader feel like the writer was suddenly talking to the reader, which isn't what is supposed to happen in 3rd person POV.
-Check for mechanics. Not much, I don't think, but proofread all the same. I found: "So it’s normal that people assumes," which should be "So it's normal that people assume" (no S). Make sure, also, that in dialogue, if you're talking about something that happened before, it's past tense as well. "Don't tell me you offer me this position..." should be "Don't tell me you offerED me this position."
-When using a phrase, make sure you know what the phrase is for sure. ex. "then she would have other things coming" should be "then she had another thing coming" (which is cliched, and probably could be changed). and also, "Twins! How adorable! They must be paternal, though." I believe you're talking about fraternal, not paternal. Paternal is related to fatherly things, like maternal instincts, paternal instincts. Also, "she livened up to the label" is probably supposed to be "she lived up to the label" which sounds a bit awkward. (Livened would never go with up, btw.)
Most of this stuff is just little things, but little things tend to add up and can detract from the quality of the writing. :P I think this story sounds really interesting, but I'd love to see Nicola develop as a character; she seems a bit cliched at the moment with her I'm-not-beautiful thoughts and slightly bitterness. The only thing I can suggest for characters is to make them deeper and more complex (that makes them more human).
Sorry this is such a long review! I hope I helped, and if I sounded harsh, let me know. (: I really do think this story has awesome potential. :]
-Lily |
 tornangelwings 2007-11-24 . chapter 1I REALLY like this. i do hope that you intend to finish this, it would be a dreadful shame if you shall not.
anywho, great amazing job on this, plot line amazing, characters exquisite. keep it up. |
 Juni Lyn 2007-11-24 . chapter 1For a first time story it's well written, just a few things here and there. Watch the P.O.V. towards the middle you switch for like a sentence or two. Also there were some gramar mistakes that need to be changed. The best way would be to read out loud or have someone else read it, that way you can see which parts are difficult to read through and understand.
The basis of the story is a good one and I can see it becoming a good read. I personally would lead into their arguement more subtely then going straight forward. Nicola comes off as a bit of a prissy know-it-all, unless of course that's the way you want her to be.
I hope this helps. |
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