FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| Writing4Eternity 2008-03-31 ch 5,  | abuseAw |
| JusticeWriter 2008-03-29 ch 5, | abusecontinue... |
| Hoodwynk 2008-02-18 ch 5, | abuseNice depth in both of the friends and background for Lillian's father. Their meeting was kind of lame and lackluster, but whatev.- it wasn't bad. Just a thought, but, since Gianna is black, wouldn't she and her mother have a sort of accent? It obviously depends on where they grew up, but there are slangs/accents. When my cousin(half and half) called me a cracker I had no idea what she was talking about. |
| Hoodwynk 2008-02-18 ch 4, | abuseThis is really good. But, it is such a deep, horrible scene. You could have done so much more with it. It seemed like you kind of skimmed over it, doing the basic necesity, but not really pushing yourself. Put yourself in his shoes. What did it smell like? What minute details of the boy did he see when he bent down? How did his face look? His eyes? His hair? I could go on. Make the horror real- give the reader a visual. Shock them. Do all those who really suffered like this justice. Normally I wouldn't put this into a review because all this is above most people's level on FP, but you are there. |
| Hoodwynk 2008-02-18 ch 3, | abuseAgain, with that sharp grasp of reality. You really have that and sub-plots down. No big criticisms, but you might eventually want to tak it up to the next level, meaning, even more depth. Ex. Have the background of her mother's childhood and how she came to such low standards- like abuse, neglect, et cetera: ex2 Have Elliott come from a neutral family with a brother or something in the Klu Klux Klan. These is just some thoughts if you ever wanted to turn this into a novel. |
| Hoodwynk 2008-02-18 ch 2, | abuseAw...And I totally agree. Just skin pigment. Shouldn't Gianna have done a little more at the end. She seemed a little overly modest for 'a goddess like her'. |
| Hoodwynk 2008-02-18 ch 1, | abuseYou have a much better grip on reality than most teen writers and have really good scene transitions. And, I have to point out, isn't that the problem? 'Black people' sitting all together. It drives me crazy at my school because a few black kids hang out with everyone and its no big deal. But others feel differently and form sub groups baised on color, segregating themselves. I wish everyone would just get over it already. |
| Lisa Martens 2008-02-17 ch 1, | abusethis was great! no need to explain that you're not racist; it's obviously the story :) |
| Why u lookiing at me 2008-02-13 ch 1, anon. | abuseI have only read the first chapter so far but i am already captivated by it and am looking forward to reading the next one. When i read this story I felt like I was reading it from a professional author!! If i just randomly pick up this pecie I would completely think it was published work. This story really is captivating making you want more every minute and is one of the best stoies i have read that has not been published yet in our age goup whoever this author is should seriously look into publishing her work!!I loved it!! |
| heartfeltlove 2008-01-31 ch 5, | abuseAwesome chapter! |
| TheNarglesWillEatYou 2008-01-21 ch 5, | abusethis seems kinda like you might have borrowed a few characters/characteristics from "Hairspray". i don't really care, your story is better! update soon? |
| MoonfireSpam23 2008-01-21 ch 5, | abuse“DON’T THINK THAT WAY!” Lil whirls me around and shakes me. I look up and see the fear in her green eyes, in which tears are brimming. “Don’t you DARE think about killing yourself, Gianna! Do you understand me?? I’ll kill you myself if you don’t STOP IT!” Her voice cracks at the end and she lets the tears escape her eyes. Her voice is much quieter when she speaks again. Put the stuff that is in caps in italics. Yay for the nonracists! |
| Peachie Miss 2008-01-21 ch 5, | abuseAww. A very cute story you've started here, I'll be looking for the next chapter! |
| Twilight Starr 2008-01-21 ch 5, | abuseGood dialogue. Great job! Have an excellent day. ~Twilight Starr~ |
| TheRoseWithin.x 2007-12-13 ch 4, | abuseI really like this story, well done! I feel sorry for the little boy and his parents though because they probably won't do anything about it because he's black - it's well sad. Anyway hope you update soon! TheRoseWithin.x |