Reviews for The Founding - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: The Founding

Kaida Shade 2008-01-24 ch 2,	abuseHey thanks for reviewing Dragons Rebellion, i appreciate it. Please forgive me for my awful critiquing skills- im better at writing the stories than writing ABOUT them, sorry. As for this story- i like it. You have an engaging writing style and I want to know what happens next. The main character is pretty realistically developed. The fight scene is good, but lacks the edge of your seat tension that would make it brilliant. I cant really talk though- I'm not very good at fight scenes either.
Lord Xalys 2008-01-16 ch 1,	abuseWell, that's some painful start of your protagonist's story! I'll give some comments on every paragraph, ok? 1. A comma between 'play' and 'but' might improve the legibility. Also I would divide the senetnce after that into two; [...]boring winter. Now that the[...]. This way you decrease the number of commas. 2. Is 'minus degrees' the saying or should it contain a figure? Mind you, I'm Dutch, so I could be wrong about this. 3. I'd say [...]mumbles, grumbles and thoughts[..]. Don't know if the actual thought you put in is really relevant, as it is also in paragraph 1. 4. Again, divide the first sentence; [...]the distance. When she[...]. Perhaps also 'she reached for her keys'. Also 'walked in'. 5. Comma after 'dad'. Capital S not needed I believe. 6. Comma in the first sentence behind 'them' could be replaced by a semicolon. Same goed for behind 'eveywhere' in the sixth sentence. Consider this: 'Two of them were lying on the floor, limbs sprawled out in odd angles. These were her parents, although it was hard to tell that they had once even been human.' 7. Comma after 'met' to be replaced with semicolon. Consider: 'She ran out of the building, oblivious to where she was heading. Her parents bodies burned into her retina, their murderer's face likewise. She ran and ran, crying hysterically, not stopping for the longest time until she ran straight into someone.' 8. Consider: 'She had arrived at her final destination which, as it would turn out, were the slums.' As for comments about the story itself, I'd say you're going strong. the idea has potential and I'm looking forward to where it is going. I concur with the others that the protagonist's age is a little hard to determine. Perhaps you could slip in an actual age?
Greatheart 2007-11-29 ch 2,	abuseAgain, I'm confused as to the age of your protagonist. She's young enough to be considered a child to be pitied, but she speaks more like a teenager. It might be a good idea to indicate how much time has passed since the intro. Watch the wording on some of your sentences. "the intonation made the sarcasm well within notice for even the most dimwitted of people"--this sentence is awkward. Maybe change it to something less wordy, for example, "her sarcastic tone would have been obvious to even the most dimwitted." If Rina is a child, I find it hard to believe that she would be able to injure a grown thug enough to drive him to the ground. This is generally pretty good. There are some typos and small mistakes like missing words here and there. Again, one of the most important things is proofreading. You'd be amazed by how much you can catch just by reading aloud.
Greatheart 2007-11-29 ch 1,	abuseCheck your comma usage. Some seem to be missing. For example, "All the other children got to stay out and play but she had to go straight home defying the beautiful weather." I think you might have a mistake regarding temperatures. Your character complains about being forced to bundle up when it's ten degrees outside. You might want to specify whether that is Fahrenheit or Celsius. With one it makes sense, but not with the other. She seems to get to the slums very abruptly. You might want to clarify the fact that she ran for a long time before stopping. Maybe say "She ran for a long time, crying hysterically, not stopping until she ran into someone." How old is your main character? She's young enough to be told how to dress by her mother, but at other times she seems older. This is good so far, intriguing. There are some small mistakes with word-choice or missing words, but these can be easily fixed with proofreading and reading aloud.

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