FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| xx 3DD Fan 2008-01-16 ch 10,  | abuseGreat story!! You definitely need to write a sequel. |
| xx 3DD Fan 2007-12-19 ch 9, | abuseGreat chapter. Write more!! |
| sharva-sundari 2007-12-03 ch 2, | abuseWow, this story you've written is quite good, but I have a few things that might need to be changed. They're just a few minor things that sort of got on my nerves. First of all did you mean her in the sentence below? He friend jerked around in place with a loud excited cry. and the a should actually be an. roughly a half hour ago otherwise, yor story was well written. Nicely done. The suspense with the carnival was a little cheesy and childish but thats ok. It made the story attract the reader in and thats what it all about. =D |
| xx 3DD Fan 2007-12-02 ch 6, | abuseI love this story so far! Very suspenseful. I hope that the girls get away! |
| Arabella Smith 2007-12-01 ch 5, | abuseso0o0o0o0o0 good! |
| Arabella Smith 2007-11-29 ch 4, | abuseSo0o0o0o0o0 good! I need more! lol |
| Arabella Smith 2007-11-27 ch 2, | abusereally good! |
| Laeden 2007-11-27 ch 1, | abuseIt's somewhat wordy right from the get-go. The first sentence has too much information in it. Also, instead of adverbs try saying things just with your verbs. "The bright red Probe eased uneasily..." Does that sound like a flowing part of a sentence? Your first five pages should really capture the readers' attention instead of frustrate them with wordiness. "The red Ford Probe jerked into the parking space." I put "Ford" there, because a lot of people may not realize that a Probe here, is actually a car. They may think it's a metaphore for something. And why do you have "grassy field" in there? There are parking spaces in a grassy field? Another example: "...sending out waves of heat in the very warm late April evening sky." You have so many adjectives that it's choppy instead of flowing. Break up your descirptions. "The sun sat low on the horizon. The warm light of late April shimmered off of the girls' blonde hair." You don't need to say it's evening, because the sun setting already implies it. Saying "evening" is redundant. It's almost like saying it twice in the same sentence. I found it a bit unrealistic that they'd ask for a replacement after their bear got stolen, maybe you can kind of re-work that, maybe they go back to play again or something? Or talk to the guy or something? I don't know, it's not a huge thing. Also, in your first chapter, the ending was great, I liked how you ended it. However, everything before then seemed a little mundane. Maybe you can add more description to have it darker or more creepy or something to kind of hold the reader's attention. Hope this helps. ~Laeden |