 Taltush/MeiMei 2007-11-27 . chapter 1I think that while this poem has some extremely nice aspects (the subject and feel, for one), on the whole, it's not as good as it could be. For starters, the rhythm is a bit awkward. Reading it out loud sounds a bit funny. Maybe it's because of the rhyming sequence (which I believe is really the only problem I have with this poem, so I'll get to that now). But in your need for things to rhyme, you've shifted the balance quite a bit. Sentences are phrased in a manner that is overly-done and dramatized ("...so fear you not"). This may give you some rhymes (that do not in fact sound so great), but it completely throws off the balance of the poem. You could achieve good flow without these silly rhymes and then have the sentences be structured much more soundly. Really, I think your rhymes just try to do much more than they can and thus end up hurting your poem. You might want to try to adjust them while still maintaining a flow. Then this reasonable poem will become a great one. |