 lucid-psyche 2008-05-14 . chapter 1Very nice! A couple of nitpicks on the writing style, mostly. You have a tendency to use a lot of commas and dependent clauses -- which, in itself, isn't a bad thing. Perhaps some of the clauses could be linked with an "and" instead of a comma? The second sentence, however, doesn't flow very well; the comma after "marble floor" might work better as a semicolon because it's linking two complete sentences.
Also, in the third paragraph, you say, "at a poster store for 5." Do you mean $5? You might want to specify.
Anyway, that's all I've got right now; this is definitely one of the better stories I've read on FP (as are the other two in this series). Keep writing! |