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| half-sketched.staccatos 2007-11-30 ch 1,   | konnichi wa There were a few instances where the beat slipped, but besides for those times I liked the rhythm. From the instant I read the first two lines, I was hooked. Those are two perfect lines. I don't know what about them had me ensnared, but they were great. "My feet are cold and face is hot / I wonder why you love me not" I think your poetry - all your poetry - would probably benefit if you'd break it into stanzas. I don't know if you have it as one large piece purposely or if you just didn't feel like splitting it or - I don't know. I just think it would work really well. Love this piece. Kudos. Zaijen -Shan- |
| munseong 2007-11-30 ch 1, | Unrequited... sad :( |