It had potential, but there were a few things I noticed. You definitely could have expanded even more on it. I got that she was angry, but you could show us this more.

Also, you switched between past and present tense a few times, so keep an eye on that.

And one word usage issue: "I say and darkness elopes us both..." I think you want "envelop" here.

Keep working on it, and I'm sure it could be great!