A few missing words and misspellings D:

(I review as I go - just to warn you!)

"blonde locke of hair" .. locks of hair don't have e's at the end.

"Is this your house, miss?" ... I think it would be really odd for a younger woman to refer to an elderly woman as "miss". Even if the woman is unmarried, I think it's still right to call her "ma'am". Unless... the old woman is talking? in that case, remember to start a new paragraph each time the speaker changes.

Joy's smile faltered. "What's wrong, miss?" ... confused again. This is Joy talking? Using Miss again... but, it was in the same paragraph as the woman saying "Ah, yes, it is," so... do remember to start a new paragraph when the speaker changes or else it gets really confusing! :)

In the first section before the line, you used "muse" twice in just a few lines. Joy mused "I didn't notice them" and the old woman mused "So there are good..." "mused" is kind of an odd word to use for speaking, so to use it that many times is really noticeable and weird.

"My boss is has a god-complex" this line is has bad grammar :)

In the first few lines after the line breaking the two segments, you should show Adam's attitude toward life a little better than to throw it all at us in one big run. It's kind of cheesy and could be done a lot better by simply showing all of the ways he acts like that. You did a good job with Joy in showing her bouncy optimism and carefree joy, just do that again (but in reverse - gasp!)

When you say "the energetic woman bounded off" it's kind of unneccessary... it's obvious she's energetic, and in the next line you even comment about it... so... it's a little overdone.

Oh the attic scene went by too fast! too fast! You have such good opportunity for suspense here... the tik-tik stuff was a good lead up... if you had described him slowly looking around the attic with the tik-tik constantly there.. it would've been so good! :)

"Her chest area was thinner than a usual supermodel's physique" .. this is odd. It's like you're really REALLY trying not to say "her breasts weren't huge" or anything like that. Just come out with it, haha. No time to be cute and corny here, a monster just surprised some guy and I'm waiting for my description! :P

"He lost is wind" you mean his?

That last line has some intrigue to it, so it should be delivered more dramatically, in my opinion. Put in some more description so there's a kind of pause, and then maybe put it on it's own line. :)

Interesting story. It went a little too fast and seemed kind of random for me, but I'm picky. It needs some cleaning up but I think with a few revisions and going over it, you could polish it up to be rather interesting. :) I like the contrasts between Adam and Joy. Their personalities are such opposites... I wish I saw more interaction between them.

-Jesse
Attack of the Review marathon! (link in my profile)


-Jesse
Attack of the review marathon! (link in my profile)

This is a great start! I'm liking that demon. Try using more sensory details to describe her.

'almost slipping one the wet sidewalk' You meant to put "on", right?

Ooh... Sinister ending.

Did I mention that I really like the idea of a demon using gambling to lure his/her victims into the fiery pits of hell? No, I didn't think I did. XD

A typo that a spotted: "David Damison looked regarded his wife with a sad frown." You can have "looked", or you can have "regarded", but you can't have both!

Once again, Joy is so nice it hurts. XD

Anyway; very good dramatic ending line; I think it'll be more effective if you took some time to build up the tension, but again, no biggie.

It's an interesting idea, and a pretty good start. Is there a reason why you focused so much on Joy, and less on Adam, who appears to be the main character? I'm guessing you're planning on contrasting them later on (either Joy/Adam or Joy/Epoh; haven't figured it out yet)...

The fact that there's a demon randomly in the attic is so weird; will we be getting an explanation for why she's there, out of all the attics in all the world? I have a feeling we will!

*goes off to read next chapter*

Even though it's been awhile since I've been on Fictionpress, I've definitely not forgotten this story. I'm loving it! It's this kind of story that keeps me coming back for more. So, I hope to see more from you soon :)

~Carm~

This is a wonderful beginning to the story. I'm already hooked :)

Can't wait to read more!

~Carm~

Yay! He got snake eyes! XD But... what is he going to do with a mansion, anyway? All that space... but nothing to fill it with!

Eh, whatever. A mansion's a mansion!

Hmm... Interesting...

I was slightly confused when you were describing the demon. I had difficulty understanding what you were trying to say and picturing it in my mind. I got it after while, but... yeah.

As a new writer myself,and not wholely convinced my story is worth reading Im not truely qualified to leave a review. But I know it helps to know some one out there has read what you've put down. I have to say that I am truly interested in whats going to happen next. Youve piqued my interest!

Alright everything was really good, I really was into the story until it got to demon. I'm sorry, your writing skills are excellent, but I'm just not one for fantasy. Good job anyways.