This is a wierd story, although I really do like it. It's different and it makes you think about pain and love and forgiveness and feeling. You did a wonderful job with the beginning, although it does get a tad bit confusing. Try making them sound weaker and more pathetic. You should prabaly try to use their language, like instad make it more...slangish. Like saying Yes to Yeah. It makes in easier to undertand that they are only children.

I hope that they get out safely. And I am really on edge with the whole 'eye power'. I hope you keep the story idea up~!

Incase you were wondering I do have a habit of going backwards and forwards so...

I read through all your reviews - I want to steal a lot of your reviewers because they give good reviews lol. I agreed with what some were saying and disagreed with others. There was a lot of talk about your first chapter so I'm gonna put my penny in.

As I said before I LOVE your first chapter. Apart from a few spelling mistakes I don't think it needs much done to it. It is atmospheric and you get a real sense of the charecter in the first few paragraphs. I especially love how for most of the paragraph it felt to me like we (the readers) were inside her head as she thought of things. The way you wrote that part made it seem as if she was just thinking the same way do when I'm tired - kinda slow and dipping into different subjects as the cross her mind. I thought this was an excellent way of doing things and I'd love it if that feeling was carried into further chapters - it seemed to disappear after ch2.
I know some people have said that you should lengthen your sentences but I feel that the short sentences are good for the charecter. It works with the charecter - she has made herself forget things so she is hardly going to rattle off long sentences describing how the darkness in her cell reminds her of a starless night! Perhaps as she regains a sense of herself you can bring in longer sentences to show the development of her charecter.

One thing I partially agree on is the use of dialogue. For most ofthe chapter I feel that your lack of dialogue works with the charecter. I understand completely why she would not speak and I would keep it that way in the first half of the chapter.
However I do feel that you should perhaps add dialogue around the part where Nathan speaks.
"Nathan looked at me sadly and said my guess was right"
I think from that point on would be a good start. Also you could perhaps lengthen his explanation and make it more emotion filled. Make Hope/Lily notice how his eyes were filled with a watery substance as he describes his love for her and things like that.I feel that this would help this part of the story feel less rushed.

Good work and good luck!

I like this story a lot. It's not like anything I have ever read before and for that reason I find it extremely interesting. The first two chapters make you wonder what has happened before and what will come after. Good work.

There are a few things, like spelling mistakes a spell checker wouldn't catch - eg. than instead of then in ch1. Also as you reach the ends of your chapters it stars to feel a bit rushed, like you know what has to happen but you just want to get it down as fast as you can. Slowing down the pace in some places, such as where Nathan reveals a bit of her past would make it more interesting and help th reader feel more attatched to the charecters. The reader's relationship with Lily/Hope is already firm stright from the first chapter but their relationship with Nathan needs to be stronger if he is going to stick around - or if you want his leaving/dying to pull at some heartstrings.

All in all I am really into this story. Ithas captured my imagination and look forward to seeing what you can do. lease update soon.

Don't really have anything constructive to say, just thought I'd let you know I'm still reading and still liking it. Keep up the good work =)

Yay, an update. :)

“Yes, I am awake, but what are you starring at and why?”
*staring

though I do suggest that you burry this guy so that his smell of decomposition does not alert the guards as fast
*bury

But couldn't she heal the fact that they were crooked?

...Sorry for a very long delay to review...But your story so far...

WOW...There isn't enough superlatives to describe how awesome this is turning out to be.

It is truly amazing how deep it is. Your style of writing is incredible and I hope you continue to write more...

Anyway...

...Keep writing! =]

that's really good so far! keep up the good work :D

Wow i really loved this chapter and the whole "Dramatic" theme you have going, its beyond awsome.Sorry i forgot about the story but its just caught my attention back im adding you and the story to everythign Keep writing!

Hey!
That is one AWESOME story! I just started, and I didn't really take time to catch your mistakes, but it was a really deep story. I think it is fabulous! You're 13 years old? I CANNOT believe it! Let's see, I can see you in the future, a famous story writer! I'll go back and reread it, so I can catch your mistakes, if you have any. I'm adding you to all my Alert and Favorite list.
Ciao!
Marilyse

Another great chapter. I think your style has changed as you tried to take the advice of others, but I still enjoyed it. There was one part that confused me though. You mention that Nathan started to regain conscious, but I don't ever remember any mention of him losing it. I reread the chapter and noticed that the guard was bending over Nathan "holding something that looked like a needle." I guess that must've been it, but perhaps you might want to be more specific, like say "and after the guard stood up from Nathan, Nathan appeared to suddenly fall asleep," or however you want to handle it. It just confused me, that's all. Good job on this chapter, still.

Dang, I almost thought you had forgotten about this story. It's been a while!

“Nathan, what is wrong,” I asked, truly curious at what was troubling Nathan so much. Nathan was not often troubled by much. He looked up at me and asked, “Do you know anything about the xatron, you mentioned it before?”
Use he in place of Nathan. His name is overused.

I heard the sound of keys jangling. I heard the door rattle as a key was turned in it. I heard someone who was probably a guard laugh and say something. I shshed Nathan. The door was suddenly opened, allowing a flood of light in. I felt like I was blind for at least a minute before my eyes readjusted. When my eyes had readjusted I saw a guard with curly sandy blonde hair and a light tan bending over Nathan. I saw the guard stand up, holding something that looked like a needle.
It's good that you are using description, but "I (fill in the blank with a verb)" could be adjusted to make this more interesting, such as: My eyes flew to the door as the sound of jingling keys flew through the air.

Good update, continue! :D

Another excellent chapter. I see you inserted quotation marks into the story, but fortunately it doesn't damage the mood of the story too much.

I just love this idea of an intentional emotional barrier. I just find the power of the mind a very fascinating subject and one you handle well. The romance and the kiss did lighten up the mood just a little bit, but still very entertaining. Just don't let the comments of the other guys get to you. Yes they are great rules, but great writers know when to break these rules, and although I haven't read enough to know if you're a great writer yet, but this is a great story.

It's an excellent story. I love your use of tone and voice. And please don't listen to many of the reviews for this first chapter. I've read through them and I disagree with a lot of them. For one thing, they keep telling you to use dialogue for this chapter, and I just don't agree. Usually, it's a good idea, but not in this case. I love the way you use the first person narrative to give us the feel of a dreary prison. The omission of quotation marks is part of the charm of this chapter. It may not work for the chapters after this one, but since I haven't read them yet, I can't really tell. But it definitely works here. Also, somebody brought up the old 'Show don't tell' cliche, which also works in most situations, but not in this case. Other than some spelling errors, which I'm sure you're already aware of by now, I don't think you should change a thing. I will definitely keep reading this one.

Everybody clap and cheer! Here comes the Plot! Here comes the Fantasy. And, I know that you are still wondering about xatron, you'll just have to wait and see. SMILE!

I few parts i had to read over to understnad but im actually enjoying this.
keep up the hood work.