|Reviews for the day that sunshine changes|
| Blissfully Sarcastic 12/8/07 . chapter 1
I liked it. Very nice.
One thing /did/ bother me though, and I'm just being picky, but the "apart" in the line:
"the place in which he was apart of just yesteryear"
is supposed to be "a part." Unless you mean it to say "apart from something," in which case, it works, but if you me "a part of something," then it's different. If I remember correctly; if not, I'm just making a fool of myself and how well I /don't/ check the facts I /think/ are true, but are not sure of. Tee-hee.
Anywho, good story; flow's good. Great read overall.
| kloun mannequin 12/4/07 . chapter 1
it's an interesting story, I like this part: all the sounds from his tires,
lull his thoughts into winter hibernation…
he is lifeless, he is inanimate…
wondering how everything changed…
it's like heartbroken..
| creepy kiss on tuesday 12/3/07 . chapter 1
aw [ his reminds me of mrs sanchez' class haha. the one where we wrote from an unseen persons perspective or something like that.
| Wish Bone 12/3/07 . chapter 1
I only really disliked the first stanza...
First of all, there's no reason to include that glasses are transparent. It's already known.
Also, "and the depths of his heart can be seen through the lens..." totally contradicts "glasses covering his sorrow-filled heart."
You could fix this, however, but forgetting the parenthesis and writing
"glasses covering his sorrow-filled heart/But the glass is transparent/etc..."
So the glasses could be used as an awesome metaphor for being bad at hiding feelings.
Also, the way you end your piece, the (winter) is somewhat redundant; you've been leaving clues that it HAS to be winter.
However, I like this a lot better than the one where I said you overused parenthesis. Well done. :)
| shadow-of-a-trackless-sea 12/3/07 . chapter 1
I think I understood the stroy/message but I'[m not sure. I know that you like to use descriptive words but sometimes you throw a lot of long ones in and it disturbs the flow of the poem. Aside from that I think that this was another good piece C.