FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Ryan Schiff 2008-03-16 ch 1,  | abuseI don't like the drips, but when I reread the poem without them it works better. I think you use the world "hurt/hurting/hurts" too much when there are many better words for it. Theres a grammar mistake in the second long line (no period before the "as if") The imagery is really good, all up until the last line... I just don't know if the last line packs the kind of punch that you need it too. Overall the poem has a strong emotion to it but the last line is sort of lackluster. The poem may well work just fine without it. I think this has the makings of a great poem but it needs a bit of work before it is really "there". It could really be great if you touched it up a bit. |
| the face in the window 2007-12-04 ch 1, | abuseThat's pretty cool. =) Nice write. Rowan. |
| Qzie 2007-12-04 ch 1, | abuseWow... that was magical. I like the repetition of "drip"... this kind of made me think of winter melting into spring... and the ice bird was awesome, and the ending was wonderful. It made me smile on the inside. :) Chat later! -Qzie |