Reviews for The Piper's Due - FictionPress.com

dangelicessence
2008-06-18
ch 1,

abuseEw, ew, ew. Sorry, it's just that I'm like Charity. I hate rats with an intense, burning, peel off your skin passion. Ugh. The chapter however was not ew at all. I think your use of present tense was interesting. I don't use it very often myself because I tend to forget and slip into the past tense but I didn't see any of that so more power to you. I found it interesting and only vaguely remember that fable about the rats and the piper so I can't wait to read the next chapter of this one. Something I feel the need to point out though is sometimes the diologue is a bit stilted or formal for the characters. For instance in the beginning, Charity tells her mother “it was a rat, nothing more.” The nothing more seems kind of, I don’t know out of place coming out of the mouth of a teenager, advanced or no. Perhaps “that’s all” would fit better? It’s not a big deal, it’s just something you might want to watch out for. Plus, just a little grammar comment, don’t forget that when a new person begins speaking, it’s necessary to start a new paragraph. I think that’s all I’ve got for this chapter, so I guess I’ll head on over the next chapter. Cheerio^^. Oh and by the way, the cereal box thing, that was just nasty. Good job on that^^.

Staikam
2007-12-08
ch 1,

abuseHi...I really liked this so far, Belladonna. Your characters really light up, and they show a lot of promise and personality. Ha, Charity actually kinda reminds me of my girlfreind.
Anyways its really good so far...and I really want to know whats up with all the rats!
A little suggestion though...Trying to have more paragraphs with less writing, and everytime someone else starts taling, or a new person talks, then hit enter to start a new line. So every new conversation is on s new line, just so it isnt so confusing toread.. :) anyways really good, hi-5!

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