Reviews for Unborn - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Unborn - Reviews: Page 1 of 4

Static Love 2008-07-01 ch 6,	abuseOmg, this chapter was really good. I can't wait for the next one.
J.L. Hastings 2008-07-01 ch 6,	abuseI enjoyed it! It was really good, especially considering the whole Writer's Block thing. Oh, how I know the feeling. I STILL haven't finished the next chapter in To Lose It All. It's maddening, because I know that the longer I wait to update, the longer it will take to get readers into the story. sad In any case, this was a good chapter; I was wondering how she would figure out how things went down in Maggie's life so that she could pull off who she was supposed to be. I loved it and I love you, and I'll try to get on more often so we can talk more. ^_^
Dragonstaker21 2008-06-28 ch 2,	abuseI like it so far. It's a bit different from the style I write in, but it gives new perspective to a way to include history and personality of a character. And despite the lack of action it is very good. I haven't been able to find anything so far that I have any problem with.
Kenny's Friend 2008-06-27 ch 6,	abuse"So that’s how Maggie died, I thought, I chocked on a piece of apple, and she chocked on a piece of glass." - beautiful, beautiful parallelism; however, "choked" is spelled without a "c" To tell you the truth, I usually don't spring for the supernatural stuff, but this is really good . Great descriptions, easy reading, and 3D characters round out the story beautifully. Impressed as always.
Seize the Day 2008-06-26 ch 6,	abuseOh, this is really well done, especially the writing and I like the way the plot's going as of now :]
MoonfireSpam23 2008-06-26 ch 6,	abuseYou have perfect timing for an update. We're fixing to leave for vacation. Hah, memory loss. How convienent. And I did enjoy it. Always do. :)
Paloooka 2008-06-26 ch 4,	abuseand it's straightener not straitener may i suggest employing a beta reader?
Paloooka 2008-06-26 ch 3,	abusenice work just one quick edit in ch 3, it's edition not addition when they're talking about jane austen (:
Ariel of Wonderland 2008-06-26 ch 6,	abuseSorry about the block, I know how much it sucks. >< Still, good chapter. One nitpickery "chocked on a piece of apple, and she chocked on a piece of glass. How awful…." Shouldn't 'chocked' be 'choked'?
giraffe 2008-06-22 ch 5, anon.	abuseStory was very interesting and detail oriented and kept my full attention. Bravo keep up the good work definately something you should continue to do! Let me know when you complete yor next story.
Kenny's Friend 2008-06-22 ch 5,	abuse"...it future now lay in spare parts." - I'm not sure what words you meant to use; in the future, perhaps? "Do they already know I’m dead…wait, does my mom know?!”" - the quotes at the end need to be removed It's really getting interesting now, of course. Sucks for Danielle's mom, though - to go through the abortion and all, and then lose her daughter to an apple? That fits with her being clumsy, though, so nice work playing that element into her death. This is great writing, seriously.
Kenny's Friend 2008-06-22 ch 4,	abuse"The cold northern winds we had run from when we moved..." - from which we had run "'Yes, mam.'" - ma'am "I snuggled farther into my bulky sweater." - is that possible? "'We inherited it,'" - period instead of comma, since there's nothing to follow the quote "...before I could object, and towed my through the shrubbery..." - me "'Oh my god, where did I put my straitener...'" - straightener; question mark Beautiful transition into the out-of-body experience. Personally, I like her as a fifteen year old - if you were still thinking about upping her age. Now that I have that age in my mind, she definitely feels that old. Just a thought.
Kenny's Friend 2008-06-22 ch 3,	abuseJust curious if you meant to misspell the title of the chapter? "Once I had something solid on my stomach..." - "in" would make more sense "Which she had forbid me to do, under pain of death." - forbidden "...most eyes stayed glued to me, expectant, maybe, of what I would say." - I think the comma between "expectant" and "maybe" could be removed for the sake of making the sentence less choppy "Dramatic. And over-emotional." - combine this thought into one fragment; also, "overly" emotional would sound more natural; in that case, you wouldn't need the hyphen "But once you grow-up in an environment..." - also don't need a hyphen here "...all our meals we either delivery or strait from the can." - forgot the "er" for were; also, "straight" is the proper spelling "...it was safer to get pre-maid things..." - pre-made I wouldn't necessarily call pizza "Italian cuisine", but anyway... As usual, great stuff. The story has a good pace, and it inexplicably draws me in. Not that it's bad or anything, but stories that don't have a lot of action to start generally tend to chase people away. Such is not the case here: the character development feels natural and isn't boring in the slightest. I'm fawning again. Apparently, I'm as gay as this Michael kid. (ha ha) Great writing, and God bless.
Kenny's Friend 2008-06-21 ch 2,	abuseShort and dry? Please. I'm instantly impressed. Don't mean to be a suck-up or anything, but this is seriously great stuff. You write extremely well, using beautiful word pictures and excellent rhetoric, not to mention impeccable spelling and grammer. A few things I wanted to point out for you: "Our eyes blinked in the light as we stepped inside..." - the eyes don't do the action themselves, if you know what I mean; perhaps "we blinked" would suffice "My mother could make anyone crack a smile. A talent I was fiercely jealous of at times." - I think combining these into one sentence would feel less choppy One thing is unclear to me, and that is the girl's name and age. If there's a reason you didn't want me to know, then I suppose I'll find out in the next chapter. This is great stuff - far better than what I usually read here on FP.
Kenny's Friend 2008-06-21 ch 1,	abuseNice intro. I like how concise you made this instead of drawing it out unnecessarily. The Dickens poem really fits the intro, even if I'm not seeing exactly how it plays into the story. I've been meaning to give you a shout-back review, so I apologize for taking so long to do so.

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