FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Frosthold 2007-12-13 ch 1,   | ... Freeaaky! But very good beginning. Right now I don't really have much of a comment as to the direction of the story since the chapter was so short. Great concept though! So anyways, I think this could do with a bit of humor in it on the part of the narrator as it will give us a better grasp of who she is. And a bit more description overall. The part in the beginning and in the middle about the darkness could use a lot more drawing out. Maybe you could say something about the time passing. I mean even saying "it felt like eternity" gives readers a better sense of what is going on and doesn't make it feel to rushed, like everything is happening all at once. Also, the scene with the lights... I can't say I completely get it all. This totally adds to the mystery but I would say maybe to use a bit more description in there too (what to the lights look like? do they hurt the narrator's eyes? do they make her feel scared? happy? Freaked out? Stuff like this will, again, give us a better idea of who the narrator is, make the story a bit less overwhelming to read, and add much needed length.) Yeah, so the biggest thing here is add a bunch of that description stuff and then to have a bunch of people read this and tell you what else can be added. I mean it is so cool it deserves all the attention (and length = P) it can get. -Frost |
| angel1357 2007-12-08 ch 1, | creepy creepy creepy creepy! jeez, what's with you and the wierdness? Ah well... interesting and intriguing start! |