Reviews for The Sword of the Guardians

Lorendiac
2008-01-15
ch 1,

abuseI find myself wondering just how human/dragon matings occur -- and how often. Are the dragons capable of taking human form when it suits them? Kaitlyn is the sister of Elise's ex-lover; does that mean Kaitlyn is a pure-blooded dragon who just happens to currently be in human form (near as I can tell when you don't really describe her appearance beyond using the word "woman" to imply she at least has the general shape and size of a human woman), or is she descended from a mixture of human and dragon ancestry? Elise reflects that Kaitlyn has "dragon's blood" in her, but you don't specifically tell us that there is -- or isn't -- any OTHER type of blood flowing through Kaitlyn's veins as well as the dragon stuff!

I also wonder whatever happened to Elise's part-dragon child, twenty years ago; the one the dragon father doesn't even know about . . . I suppose it could be one of the other characters introduced in this chapter.

I'm also wondering why it was deemed necessary to send BOTH twins away from that castle in a later scene, instead of JUST the one with the distinctive birthmark that could cause so much trouble.

Beyond those questions, which you may very well mean to address in later chapters, Here are some stray comments that occurred to me as I went through the Prologue. Note: when I quote from your story, I put the quoted text inside asterisks -- * like this * -- to make it clear which words are yours and which are mine.

* She had never left her side after they were both sent to the Floating Isle of Dawn Crest, by Elise’s ex-employer, Halley. *

That's awkward, starting out "she had never left her," when the "she" and the "her" refer to two different characters. I'd either rewrite that, or at least mention one or the other of them by name in those first few words of the sentence, in order to make it clearer to the reader which character is being referred to as having never left the other.

* She had two children before this one, a son and a daughter, but neither birth had been this difficult. She hoped the child was well, it didn’t kick or move much during the months of her pregnancy. She pushed again, glad for her husband, Nal’s reassuring grip on her hand. *

I think that should begin along these lines: "She'd had two children" or "she had borne two children." As it now stands, just saying "she had two children before this one" seems to mean, approximately, "She possessed two children before this one," which isn't quite the point you're trying to make about a sharp contrast between those childbirth experiences and this latest one.

Also, since "she hoped the child was well" and the bit starting "it didn't kick or move much" are basically two different sentences with different subjects, I'd change the comma after "was well" to a semicolon. (Somewhere I once read a piece of advice on punctuation, to the effect that a semicolon is the proper way to separate two statements that could each manage to stand alone as a separate sentence, except that the writer just happens to feel the need to shoehorn them together into one bigger sentence. The notion has stuck with me.)

Also, I'd remove the comma between "husband" and "Nal's." I believe it's proper to write such things as "her husband Nal's reassuring grip" or "my brother John's reassuring grip" or whatever, without needing commas in the middle in such a context.

* “It’s a boy.” The midwife said cheerily as she began washing the babe. *

In that context, the spoken dialogue and the words immediately after (which tell us who is performing the action of speaking that dialogue) are treated as if they were all one longer sentence. So it should be punctuated as:

“It’s a boy,” the midwife said cheerily as she began washing the babe.

* She knew once she entered the Woods she would never be able to return again, but the child’s safety was more important than her life. Perhaps she could find a way to make the gate stronger and enter it with the child, instead of sending her through alone. That way, she could raise her and keep her from this destiny as her mother so desperately desired. *

Pronouns again. In that paragraph, you never mention a single name. Just "she" and "her" and so forth. Sometimes you mean one female character; sometimes you mean another. It would really help if you used names more often, to make things more specific. For instance, is "her mother" Samantha's mother or Nicoletta's mother? As it now stands, I can't tell for sure.

* Considering he was forging two different swords that would fit together as one. This way when the wielder used it, he or she could use the blade as a strong two handed weapon, or allow them to split and have two short swords. Both hilts ended in half of a howling wolf, when put together the wolf would be whole. *

A sword that can be split into two swords is a cute idea, but I have trouble seeing the practical value of it. I am not an expert, but I have the impression that the heavier a sword is, the harder it is to maneuver quickly and accurately in a fight, and the faster the wielder's arm will tire.

You say that when split, it would become "two short swords." Is that meant to imply that the joined sword is longer than its two component "short swords" are when separated? I don't see how that would work.

Luny Loona
2007-12-29
ch 1,

abuseThe story is a little boring, so I skipped a lot, but let's not go into that.

Firstly, I see you're mixing up colons with commas. For example, in your first few sentences, there is a colon that should be a comma. A colon is used to link two sentences that are related, while commas link phrases that make up a sentence. A colon is between a comma and a full stop.

Also, you tend to be leaving out words in places, for example, where you said something about the dragon, and then 'he left her with child'. There should be a 'the' in front of it - child is a thing, as rough as it sounds.

The ending of the prophesy is a little...cliche, like, 'she'll be known as blah...' type. Also, it's really long, which made me (and I think a lot of others) skip over it.

Anyway...happy writing!

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