Reviews for Secrets - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Secrets

Maranwe Telrunya 2008-03-17 ch 1,	abuseHow do you pronounce Captain J.P.'s last name? I like the name of the ship. It's pretty. I think that Delathat would sound better as Delatath. "The Vionna’s first mate, a lean female elf was ascending " - forgot a comma after elf. Baradur... reminds me of something from Lord of the Rings... isn't there a fortress named Baradur in LOTR? Huh... anyway. Very interesting. I would say that using swear words in a fantasy story usually just sounds off, but somehow the d word fit. It's a good cross of reality and fantasy. No more typos, although the part where you're describing everyone's reactions and ending each paragraph with a dash is rather... long... and a little repetetive. I think because each sentence is the same lenght. If you had the desription lenghts varied a little more, it wouldn't be as... well... boring. Haha. The tenseness of the moment was drowned by the common lengths of sentences. Varying short and long makes for a better read and better intensity. Other than that, it was good. ~M
Yumia X 2008-01-08 ch 4,	abuseThis was a very interesting chapter to read. However, the beginning of the chapter did not really "pull me in". The aspect that really intrigued me was the council meeting. And by the way, I really liked the character June.
Yumia X 2007-12-19 ch 3,	abuseThis chapter is very well done. Your grammar is excellent as usual, and the chapter as a whole had a very nice flow to it. I do not have anything to criticize on it because you did a very wonderful job on writing it. You concentrated on telling the story instead of explaining it to your readers, which made it easier, more enjoyable, and compelling to read. I am really looking forward to your future chapters. Please continue. :)
Yumia X 2007-12-18 ch 2,	abuseGreat job on another exciting chapter. Your grammar was perfect, and I loved your word choices. On the flipside, some things seemed a little unnesessary. For example: the very beginning where Simon was making the sword. The descriptions were really nice, but the scene felt too long and it seemed like I was reading an instruction manual to make a sword rather than reading a story. Just shorten that part a little and it will work out fine. Another thing I noticed was when you talked about Cassandra and her family's past. It was a large info dump that could easily confuse your readers because of the great amount of information being thrown at them at one time. I suggest dramatically shortening that part and giving them exactly what they need to know at that point in the story. Concerning the information that you decide to take out of the info dump, as the story progresses, slowly give them that information rather than giving it all to them at one time. And the usage of "had" is fine for the most part. Some sentences do not need it, especially where you already have indicated that you are referring to the past. There was one sentence where you used "had" twice. As with the last half of the chapter, it was simply amazing (same thing with the last half of the prologue). There was less explaining and more story telling, and I would love to see more of that. Again, excellent job.

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