 Midnight In Eden 2008-02-06 . chapter 1One thing about this poem. There are nine "that"s when really you don't need any of them. Take the fourth stanza for example:
Have you ever hoped your life would get better
and realized it never would—
you can’t bring yourself to trust anyone
even though you know you should?
There are no "that"s in the above version but it still makes perfect sense. The only "that" you need in this poem is on the fourth line of the first stanza, otherwise you can get rid of every single one of them (third stanza, last line, replace it with an "and").
Otherwise, I like the simplicity of this but I think it is a little long. The last two stanzas could be meshed into one methinks and the first and fourth stanzas do overlap a little but with some tweaking this could be very good, it has a lot of potential.
Good luck with an edit,
Midnight |