 Day2Dreamer 2008-04-22 . chapter 1No!! No, no, no, no, no, NO!! *sob*...
That's terrible!! (The idea of that happening, not the story, which I happened to adore!)... I started reading the story, and it began with this cute little piece about a girl claiming that she'd marry this guy. That made me smile since it was just adorable, and stood out especially because so many other stories involve the guy saying that instead of the girl (nice change, by the way!).
It progressed on to the Damon story (the not-expecting-it-to-last-two-seconds and the consequent it-lasted-two-painful-years bit was heart-wrenching!), which was a really nice addition...
And then I started started skim reading (because I do that when I'm eager to find out what happens at the end - I'm completely, totally and utterly incapable of pacing myself when intense emotion is involved!), and figured that she was walking down the aisle to Jack!
So I was thinking that this would be a purely happy, no-complications kind of story (which I haven't come across for quite some time - probably with good reason... but I was looking forwards to finishing reading something which just consisted of cheerful, sweet reminiscence!), and suddenly, I came across Kyle Morrison finding the perfect girl...
"That's odd," I thought to myself as I was reading... "the page ends really soon, and there's not much writing left - when do you describe Jack and Rosie getting together??"
And then: BOOM!! "Jack smiled a half-hearted smile, as he watched them both kiss."... I had to re-read that bit a few times, because it just didn't seem to make sense! And then I scrolled up, and re-read a bit more... and did it again... and re-read further up... and then re-read it yet again... then came back down to re-read... (lol, am I getting the point across that I had to re-read this many, MANY times?! Not because you didn't make sense, but because I was just so shocked and horrified!).. and then finished the story! =)
I really, truly enjoyed reading your story, and I'll admit that it pulled a few tears from my eyes (I'm feeling particularly emotional for no real reason!), and it was heart-breaking!
I would have to agree with a previous reviewer, squiggle-line, about the ""If he wasn't as modest as [he?] usually was..."" bit.
Having "Jack Hamilton" there instead of the "[he?]" does make the sentence sound a little weird - if you wanted to avoid saying "he" too many times, it might have sounded nice as:
"If he wasn't as modest as he usually was, Jack Hamilton would have been...", although obviously, that's just a suggestion!
I would also like to know a bit more about Kyle, although his abrupt appearance wasn't such an issue for me.
I think the flashbacks are great though - they really bring out a sense of history between the characters, and therefore make it all the more heart-breaking (gosh, how many times have I said that so far? lol!!) for the reader in the end. Even the fact that they pop up so often and break the present-time into bits is great, because that's just the way memories are... the ones you hold closest to your heart pop up in your mind easily and often enough.
As it is, they add to the narration, and I love the way you initially bring up the: "Damon will be here any minute and I don't think my face is just right."... It explains the situation and what she's doing/going on about without actually saying it bluntly... I thought it was fantastic!
Hahaha, and I'd agree with squiggle-line (again!) that that particular quote isn't something you'd normally find someone saying if they're going through heartbreak - that's not to say they wouldn't say it AFTER they'd been through it and had a little while to reflect, though!! Maybe Jack was just resigned to them being together (he would have to have had time to get used to the idea while they were engaged!)?? Although the wedding might have been more of a "good-bye" point, and therefore more painful... I don't know!!
What I do know is that this was a pleasure to read, and that the last line really made the heart-break hit home... Wonderful work!! =D |