Reviews for Heart of the Driechtnacht

Reviews For: Heart of the Driechtnacht - Reviews: Page 1 of 10

Harmonic Discord 2008-07-13 ch 11,	abuseI liked Mirren's conversation with Darren and their discussion of magic and faith - it adds an extra layer of interest to the story and fleshes out your world a bit more. I also liked the last paragraph of the chapter, with Wendy. What is she hiding? I've a few guesses, but I'm fairly certain none of them are right... My one crit is that I thought the writing could have been a bit more polished in places. Not that there were a ton of mistakes or anything - it seemed fairly clean - but it struck me as a little choppy in places, particularly during Kyle and Darren's conversation. The sentences were short, and there wasn't that much description. Minor points: "To me, you are," said Kimi, smiling her bright sunshiny smile. -- "sunshiny"? I don't know... something about that adjective seems a little juvenile. "Ah, that's alright. That's not what I'm here about. Can I sit down?" -- "all right" is two words. The Captain scanned down the list. -- don't think you need the "down" He smiled ruefully. A passion that have gone unrequited. -- "had gone" Kyle turned around and faced his twin(.) "Wendy's a girl and she gets weapons training. So why (don't) I?" But Wendy could have been wrong about that because Mirren turned and left so quickly. -- don't think you need the "so"
Heart Devoted 2008-07-12 ch 7,	abuseWhile dialogue is good, and flwoing, and all, without specification of tone or expression the words could be said in any way imaginable. Try to describe the character's face or voice for the shorter quotes, at least. That way it's easier to picture and easier to understand. -"I was younger than she is now when the Driechtnacht came." The silence was broken a minute or two later when Kyle came in.- Such a quick transition for such and emotional moment... maybe this was on purpose but I think you shouldl really stress on moments like that, so as to let the reader flow through what the characters feel more smoothly. -Olga knew that it disappointed the Abbess but Paula had never believed in forcing faith down people's throats.- Who's Paula? where did she come in? In your writing, you frequently break up the scenes into little tidbits, which I don't think is the best way to read. If you notice in other professional stories, there is a habit of squishing important and unimortant tidbits together in the same scenes (I'm thinking of Harry Potter because JKR does that a lot, but everyone else does it too). It's called writer's priviledge, because even though it may seem illogical that all these things happen conveniently in this order, it helps the story follow really well. You should try that trick to make longer, and fewer scenes.
Heart Devoted 2008-07-12 ch 6,	abuseSorry it's been so long since i gave you a review on this story, i just forgot about it i guess. Anyways, I notice a lot of little things, in your writing style especially, that are very distracting and, well, no offense, obviously traits of an unprofessional writer. Simple things like starting most of your sentances with verbs, adverbs, or prepositions repeatedly. Or simply repeating words, or parts of words (himself/herself). But that's no big deal, your writing's very good for the most part. The story is creative, the outline and the order of events keeps me reading. But once again with little things, when in a dramatic or interesting moment between characters, lay off the details about surroundings and what they're doing irrelevantly. Focus on the important things like dialog so that it doesn't drag. And also, don't get so dramatic so quickly then fall back out of it. Keep it realistic; people usually take time to build up to high dramatics, but you started off the chapter with a high tension moment. Nothing big, again, but a point to be noticed. Even after all that (sorry), I must say that I love this story. It's so unique and creative and thoughtful...
Harmonic Discord 2008-07-11 ch 10,	abuseI found this chapter quite interesting - it was neat to hear about each child's abilities, and also nice to see Tortura "let her hair down" a little. I wonder what's in store for her - is it too late for her to change her mind and become part of the Academy? Hmm. One thing that continues to bother me a little about this story is the perspective changes. I don't feel connected to any one specific character - I feel like I should feel connected to Mirren, because it seems like she's the most important character, but you don't have a lot of scenes from her point of view, showing us her thoughts, so I have trouble relating to her. This may be more of a personal preference, as the majority of stories I read figure mainly around one central character. It might help, though, if you include more of the thoughts of each character in the spotlight. Overall, an interesting chapter and enjoyable read! Minor details: "Didn't we have enough talking yesterday(?)" Kyle groaned. "I want to get started on the battle magic." It depends mainly on which of the elements they are most at home in. -- Generally it's a bad idea to end a sentence with a preposition. There are a few exceptions, but "in" isn't one of them. "From now on, your education will follow the direction you are most suited for. As Mirren will be pleased to hear, she will probably not need to do much more water-magic." Irwin smiled at Mirren. For a second, Tortura stiffened but then she relaxed, assuring herself that she could not read something sinister into everything the man did. -- It took me a moment to realize Tortura was reacting badly to Irwin's smiling at Mirren, rather than what Irwin had said. I don't know if there's a way to make this more clear...? For example, earth magicians who are gifted with good control and an affinity with growing things, make very good gardeners. -- no comma after "things" "I don't know. Choose an attractive weapons instructor," Tortura said. -- Grin
MC Tane 2008-07-05 ch 12,	abuseDialog - The dialogue was good, though at times there is no intensity. Add a bit more of emotion into it, as it is a a key in showing a character's feelings. However, you narrations of them are very good. “Yes, yes, he did,” Mirren said, stroking Kimi’s damp hand. "Yes," Mirren choked,stroking Kimi's damp hand, "yes, he did." -Characters - Your characters are very good, just try and show themselves a bit more through dialogue. I enjoyed James. -Writing - so far, I believe this piece is well-written. However I found some words (eg. totally) that didn't fit the piece's amosphere, hence it kind of stunted the building tension. The execution is acceptable, though I am sure it can be improved. A fantasy story is very, very hard to do so. Very little authors can execute it perfectly. -Spelling- I didn;t quite notice any spelling mistakes. Well done. -Enjoyment - This wasn't a very suspenseful chapter, so I suggest more movement and a powerful execution. Mainly, I think it's the dialogue. -Plot - I'm not a critique for this kind of fantasy, but I think this one has a good plot. Just work on how to execute it suspensefully. Add a bit more detail tp the movement, along with fixing the dialogue. -Other - I think this can be an excellent story, the plot especially. Work on your execution, as this hampers every aspect.
Brian77 2008-06-18 ch 2,	abuseShe would not be allow them to fall before these vultures'- is that 'be' supposed to be in there? Good chapter. I'll continue to read though I'm not sure how long it will take me to catch up, been pretty busy. I like your concepts though, very interesting and unique.
Brian77 2008-06-18 ch 1,	abuseAwesome chapter. At the beginning I was kinda like 'eh.' But you wrap it together very well and compel me to want to read more. I wish there would have been a little more description on this Driechtnacht (very unique name though, names I can't pronounce easily I don't like. So it's fitting for a hated creature, yeah?) I couldn't really picture what was killing everything though I expect that will come as I read more. I like the concept of the dragons turning into men and what not. Your world seems very complex and detailed, I suppose I'll get to know more about it. I didn't see any grammatical or spelling errors so good work. Very good job at getting inside of the head of the little girl. Yeah so overall good story. I'll be reading more when I get more time, yeah? Alright, seeya.
B. J. Winters 2008-06-07 ch 9,	abuseOpening: I got lost in the transition again – how much time has passed. How does this relate to the “tomorrow we will begin your training” that I expected. You lost me and made me wonder if I hit the right tab. None of it seemed to tie to the subchapter title -- unless you were speaking figuratively. Dialogue. I’d use fewer words in a fight. Lord Naldor stood and slapped his son, knocking him back into his chair. "I would do more if I thought you spoke from anything other than ignorance, my son." Nesta forced himself back off the chair. "I do not speak from ignorance, father. I speak from knowledge: knowledge that you seek only power and wealth and that you will endanger our entire world to get it. I have heard your plan and I will not be part of it." -{just have him assert his position. “I speak from knowledge. You only want power and wealth. Count me out! – or something like that. It’s too pompus and wordy right now. This could be followed by “Get out of my sight – rather than a veiled ultimatum. He hit him a minute ago – negotiation was not what I expected.} "Thank-you," said Irwin, also rising. He placed a kiss on her cheek and then made his way to his study. Once he was safely in his study, {I’m going to assume he actually arrived - you don’t need to tell me. It interrupts the flow when you take one step back like this} "You can't do it magically. But if you had an emotional hold. Irwin, your reputation with women is well-known. I need you to exert your charisma on the Mirelli heir." {this phrasing is awkward} "The next eldest Mirrelli girl is sixteen."/ "Then she should be easily taken in."/ "She's sixteen. I won't do it."/ "You swore an oath, Irwin, a drachnari oath. You will do this." {I got lost in who was talking in this section. Some description would help. And why “sixteen” – is it that she’s “too young”? I’m sure it’s more than just the number} Lady Visetti knew he had been concerned that his friendship with Nesta would get the boy into trouble with his family. {how did she know? Remind me. I haven’t seen this character for awhile} Nesta looked up from the fire. "Well, it's finally come to it, hasn't it?" he said, smiling bleakly and looking back into the fire. {a bit too much up/down – does he really need to do both?} "I don't know the details of it. But he wants to use the Weldren case to rally the Land Families and force the Emperor to put Academy outposts on the Islands." {but just before you said he “explained his plan” – the disclaimer really effects his credibility and doesn’t play well into the emotional anguish you paint. If he has doubts or uncertainties then he should also lack confidence on the intent and results of execution. You need to pick.} "But our autonomy!" said Lady Visetti. This was worse that she expected. Cutting off their supplies was one thing, they were prepared for that, but to try and take their Islands away, to undermine their magic was another. {this just hangs….as a chapter end it’s weak. And the exclamation leaves me feeling something is missing – shouldn’t she ask – “what should we do” or something like that…perhaps he should respond with “But I have a plan” – something to get me curious to read on. Now I just see defeat and think. “wow, that’s too bad”} Plot: Here I see some movement and forshadowing. I liked that. Add a bit more closure at the end to support the linkage so the reader can see where you intend to go with the other character set. You did that some with the "she's too young, I won't do that" -- so perhaps a reorder of the sections would suit this purpose.
B. J. Winters 2008-06-07 ch 8,	abuseSo you’re A/N asked if there was too much of an info dump: I think I’d vote yes at this point. It felt very “fluffy”. And while it was fairly well written it could have been tightened up and perhaps said with fewer words. I’m not entirely sure how much time has passed between the last chapter and this, if you mentioned it, I missed it. But I thought you did a good job building excitement. Grammar stuff: There it was: today was the day when her real education would begin. {I think you need a semicolon} Excitement now danced out of her tummy and all through her filling her with much more energy than she usually had in the morning. {comma after through her – although this might be better worded something like: Excitement danced out of her stomach, filling her with energy – far more than any typical morning} The bubbles of excitement that were now bursting all through her meant that Mirren was up and ready for the day much more quickly than normal. It was, therefore, quite unlikely that much was happening in the abbey. {again, so many passive voice/soft words. I’d love to see more drama} So, she dragged the chair from the vanity table to her desk, all the while avoiding seeing her reflection in the overly large mirror that hung opposite her bed. {like this sentence – do this more. Since you don’t, as a reader I wonder where the meat is – I think you do yourself a disservice with the laundry list of activities. You’ve made the point of how special the day is, but you repeat it a bit too much for my personal taste. I enjoyed the internal reflections – but I wanted to be shown through the actual day unfolding, rather than her anxiety.} Still sparkling with dew, the gallery bridge connected each of the bell-towers to the main part of the abbey. In this gallery bridge were kept all the most impressive paintings and sculptures done by the faith artists over the ages. {do I need to know this now?} Pushing herself away from the tree, Mirren set back down along the path. Almost without thinking, she picked some of the blooms from a handy shrub and threaded them into her hair. {this I liked. We have action and character description – actually going somewhere} The dialogue initially is good. But it repeats the “I’m nervous”, “this day is special” theme. This again supports my recommendation to trim some of the personal reflection. Alternatively, dive right into the action rather than the opening convo you have. Mirren didn't reply. Turning the conversation to safer ground, Mirren asked, "Any news from the Capital?" {actually – she did reply. You might need a different verb} Flow: I liked how you separated the point of view shift with the symbol. That helped me stay focused on what was shifting without feeling like the camera angle panned away from my view. That is a useful device and one I’d recommend you continue. Newen sat quietly in a chair further down the corridor. This was the first time he would be directly involved in the education of the children and Irwin could tell he was nervous. {really? How – just because he’s sitting?} Plot: I liked the last section with the history. It provided good background, a little foreshadowing as well. Dialogue was used effectively, showing me rather than just telling me. Descriptions: You added some good fantasy elements (sourfruit, the location) all these gave that nice “I’m not on earth today” element. But you didn’t overdue it, since you also gave me frame of reference with familiar things in her bedroom, etc. I thought that was good balance. "In the same way that the island stones guard the empire from being attacked from within, the Heart of Magic guards the hearts of men. Preventing us from being possessed by the dread creatures," Irwin said. {this is just a bit choppy with the fragment.} "Trust me we would know if it had been lost. Its loss would render the rest of the island stones utterly useless," Irwin said. {nice potential drama here dundundun…typo ”It’s”} Nice conclusion on the end. I know what tomorrow brings, so I liked that better than the last chapter.
B. J. Winters 2008-06-07 ch 7,	abuseOpening: I didn’t understand the dialogue that opened this – I wouldn’t open a conversation with “so” but maybe that’s just me. You have an odd verb tense as well, suddenly this is future tense. You then flip back to past. I’d suggest rewriting the first paragraph. Dialogue: I noticed that you like to use the character names, repeatedly. Most people know who they are talking to and occasionally will throw a name in for emphasis. In the last chapter too I see a pattern of name, name, name – particularly in the men speaking to the women. You might be able to edit for flow. Example in the snippet below: See how you use “wendy” – it’s repetitive. "Wendy, she fainted." "I was there too, Kyle." "Why were you there, Wendy?" "The priestesses said someone should call Irwin and Mirren in for lunch." "Yes, but they never asked anyone to. They sent me straight after you. They're aware that it's dangerous to interrupt while Mirren is working." "Why are you being so mean, Kyle? You're supposed to be my friend." "I am your friend, Wendy. But the way you've been behaving around Master Irwin is ridiculous. And today you put Mirren in danger." Wendy retreated into a stony silence. "Please, Wendy! You're a Mirelli." {-and every time she talks to Kyle she uses his name, and again I'll get a Wendy….} "Alright, Kyle, I'll be good." "Thanks, Wendy." He gave her a quick hug and got up. Descriptions: Overall good. I liked the chapel and the feel you added with the candles. Plot: I’m not sure why you stopped and started this chapter where you did. It doesn’t feel like it stands alone or contains much more than stage setting. I’m a bit stumped on a hook to read on. I am thirsty for some foreshadowing. His wife going to the bathroom -- I just don't here dramatic music. Spelling/grammar: Nothing that leapt out at me.
B. J. Winters 2008-06-07 ch 6,	abuseLittle things: Opening – I think it could be stronger, two reasons: 1)Tortura stood on the gallery bridge. The gallery bridge was the only part of the abbey that didn't look out over the undulating Westula valleys. {use some word variety. The repeat here is off putting at the opening of the paragraph} 2) After the first word, the next four paragraphs are all pronouns. I’d use her name before you introduce in dialogue. It fells very impersonal. Spelling: If I remember correctly there are different English spellings for realized, etc. So I think that all is good, just every once in awhile I itch to call this out. Dialogue: Flows well. The occasional use of fragments keeps it familiar/friendly. Don’t over use that though. Most of the time, people do speak in complete sentences. You could try for more rich vocabulary – for example here you repeat the work lose/leave – you could say this in fewer words: Tortura steadied herself. She gazed at the sacred symbol across from her. And then, quite calmly, she managed to say, "I had to. Everywhere I went, you were. I knew you wanted me and I wanted you. But I knew that if I gave into it, I would lose everything I held dear." She could straighten now and meet his eyes once more. "I didn't want to leave. I loved my power and everything I learnt. For a while, I tried to stick it out. But I knew I couldn't go on. I was being called away. And so, I left." Flow: You use passive voice more than you really need to. Action verbs keep the reader engaged. Example: Irwin had crossed the space between them. {just say crossed} Characters: I could picture most of them, although you describe the environment far more than the subjects – not sure you noticed that. I prefer a focus on the characters and I got a little lost in all the scenery. Example: Too weak to remonstrate with him further, Mirren complied. The top part of the couch was of an uneven design. It didn't make things particularly comfortable but Mirren did not have the strength to complain. She received the cup and saucer without comment. Darren put the cake on the sidetable next to the couch and retreated to the chair in which his book lay. {I’d balance this out. You sort of repeat yourself. Instead, pepper the description with things about the physical character = like “her long fingers received the cup” – rather than “without comment” – you already said she didn’t have the strength to talk}
Layne R. Pendragon 2008-06-01 ch 1,	abuseHello, hello. I'm going to warn you in advance that I offer constructive criticism only and I may seem a bit harsh. I'm rather blunt and if you would rather avoid reading this, feel free to skip over this review. Alright. I began reading today and I have to say that the beginning is just too choppy. You need to catch the reader's attention RIGHT off the bat and if you don't, they'll lose interest, so work on that. Start right in the middle of a scene or a conversation or something that startles the reader in order to capture their attention and have them wondering what is going on. Your sentences are also a little choppy in places, namely the beginning, so take a look at that. And you might not want to introduce the character's name so early on. Lead into it, don't thrust it into the reader's face. "she had received her family bracelet and that meant she was grown-up enough to stay awake for the party." This seems awkward to me, try rephrasing. The entire thing just moves WAY too face; the pacing is just too difficult and I'm already confused three paragraphs in. You're thrusting too much information and too many names at the reader with too many relationships right away. Slow it down. You need to capture attention and ease the reader into the story at the same time. Honestly, if you had started the story a little bit later where Mirren's uncle enters, it probably would have been a better starting point. I read the rest of the chapter but it didn't hold my interest very well. There is just too much going on for my mind to get a good grip on and maybe that's just me. You need a bit more build up, need to settle the reader into the story FIRST, at least give them a rope or a handhold to hold onto, before you rush right into the action and such. I did think that some of the writing was very well done and I liked the beginning of Newen's piece; I think it was the best written portion of this chapter, to be honest. -Layne
harmonicdiscord 2008-05-22 ch 9, anon.	abuseOhh boy. I sense some form of idiocy on the way... Yep. Ouch. Lord Naldor doesn't seem like a nice person at all. Tsk. Slapping his own son. "I know why you're doing this, Nesta, and it won't bring her back!" – Interesting! Who is the “her” this is referring to, I wonder? (Maybe I should know this… the name Nesta does sound somewhat familiar. I should go back and refresh my memory.) “I need you to exert your charisma on the Mirelli heir.” -- ! Uh-oh… This does not bode well for the poor Mirellis. But it sure is an interesting twist. Hmm. The dialogue between Nesta and the Visettis has way too many “out”s, in my opinion…. “burst out”, “get out”, “chattered out” (?) I think it might be time for some use of the good old “said.” And yes, I’m such a hypocrite. ^_^ The Weldren case? Whatever could that be? I feel like the chapter end could have been a little stronger. It was rather abrupt. Although it occurs to me that this chapter was broken into pieces and that might be the cause. But huzzah! I see that the plot is developing nicely. I found this chapter a very engaging read. Nesta seems an intriguing character, and I would be interested in getting to know him better. Overall, nicely done. Minor details: "Don't you think I know that(?)" Jenny greeted her husband at the door of their home(.) "Hello, my darling!" Her husband turned her hands upside down to kiss their palms(.) "How has Henry been?" "I do not mean too," she said, her tone injured. – “to” "Finally, Irwin, I thought you were never going to answer(.)" (T)he Emperor sounded distinctly irritated. For some reason the name “Wasimii” reminds me of “Wasabi”… not quite sure why. ^_^ Cutting off their supplies was one thing, they were prepared for that, but to try and take their Islands away, to undermine their magic was another. – This seems like a bit of a run-on. You could try: Cutting off their supplies was one thing; they were prepared for that. Trying to take their islands away and undermining their magic was something totally different. RE: the semi-colon thing I'm sorry! I didn't mean to sound patronizing or anything! I'm a bit of a grammar nut, as you may have guessed by this point. I'm the kind of person who notices a missing apostrophe on a billboard sign and itches to get out there with a red sharpie and correct the mistake. I'm told I can be quite overbearing at times...
Harmonic Discord 2008-05-20 ch 8,	abuseI like the description of bells bearing bad news... nicely done. Wow, that's an interesting twist. I was thinking that the Driechtnacht were totally evil creatures; the fact that they can fall in love with humans is startling, to say the least. Are they like vampires? I wonder if this becomes an issue later... In terms of punctuation, I feel like you've started use semicolons for lots of things that should actually be commas (see below for some examples). Semicolons are like 'soft periods' – they should be used to connect two independent clauses. (Just google "using semicolons" for some helpful references). For instance, since "Rather than using the corridor built for wet weather but used often in the dry all the same" cannot stand on its own, it should be followed by a comma, rather than a semi-colon. Minor nitpick. Overall, I think your writing has improved much since the first chapter... well done. I definitely didn't think the chapter was an info-dump. You provide us with a lot of interesting information, but I didn't find myself losing contact with the characters at all. We also get a sense of some of the most crucial plot points... like the mysterious Sacred Heart, which I think you'd alluded to before. I'm interested to see where you're going with this :) Minor issues: Through her thin curtains, Mirren felt the sun shining softly in. -- I think it would flow better if you changed "her" to "the" and reverse "softly" and "in". Her room at Westula was small(,) much smaller than the one she would have graduated to if she had been allowed to live out her childhood on Sacred Heart Isle. the first thing she saw was a tall, willowy evergreen that came to its apex just above her second-floor window. – I really liked this piece of description... not sure why. It just sounded cool. The bubbles of excitement that were now bursting all through her meant that Mirren was up and ready for the day much more quickly than normal. It was, therefore, quite unlikely that much was happening in the abbey. – The second sentence doesn't quite seem to follow the first. I think you meant that because it was early, nothing was happening in the abbey, but it confused me at first.. maybe you could make this a little clearer? "Today was the day," she thought, -- "was" should be "is" Only stones taken from the Sacred Isle were accessible to her and this required not stone-magic(,) but island-magic(,) which was a component of this last phase of her education. Tortura got up and went to get some niffle soup. – niffle?! Is this a real dish? I can't help but think of Nifflers from Harry Potter... "In the same way that the island stones guard the empire from being attacked from within, the Heart of Magic guards the hearts of men(,) (p)reventing us from being possessed by the dread creatures," Irwin said.
dreamer999 2008-05-18 ch 1,	abusePretty good story, it's my first time reading about vampire fics. They seem kind of mary sue-ish because the dragon were no match for them but then again, what do I know about vampires? I know nothing about vampires, I never read one becasue they always sounded so kiddy fantasy-ish, but this one is pretty good I would rate it 4 out of 5 if there was a rating system.

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