crap, my review deleted itself. okay, starting over. I liked the recap you gave of the children, because its been a while since I've read this. wendy and mirren will probably have more tension as the story goes on, I'm guessing? since the new tutor seems a potential love interest. MAYBE.

I liked kimi's power. she seems very sweet.

terry's enthusiasm for the tutor's good looks made me laugh...

and uh... also enjoyeed the discussion on sea sickness. though I might have done without the talk about how much authority mirren has. where does she get it all from anyway? I'd prefer if she was more childish now and more authoritative at the end of the book, but I guess it could be part of her character.

[Far away Nagomer slept.]

comma after "away"?

I really like this story so far, as I've said before, but it does make me a little sad that I didn't get around to returning your reviews till after you were on hiatus. I hope you at least get inspired to start again or something D:

Ugh, I just looked at your profile. On hiatus? seriously? well, I'll read what you have up anyway, but man, what a bummer!

tortura is so snippy, but I like her for some reason.

the chief magic user is coming to teach her? that's yay. but this chapter feels a bit bare bones ish. like, I don't mean it's too short, but it feels skeletal.

okay, maybe that makes no sense. but yeah, dont worry about length.

their chubby little boy makes me smile for some reason. I totally babysat for one of those this summer.

Hey! I'm back. Okay, this will make me look like a huge idiot, but I don't know what incarnadine means... eep! I'll dictionary it up later.

I love Verone's attitude. he seems so old and grouchy... haha.

[It was a traditional greeting between people of faith and magic-users and all Island Families were magic-users.]

this sentence seems a bit long, though I know why you wrote it the way you did. I guess just take a second look at it and see if you can change it to make it read more naturally?

["Yes, and make sure you don’t let the Emperor bully you.]

for some reason I feel this would read better without the "yes and make sure you..." part. and just leave it simple. otherwise it sounds somehow childish.

I have no idea what I'm talking about, btw.

okay, so why are they allied with this family over the emperor? I think you more or less gave enough bg info to know why, but I might have forgotten.

I think nagomer might be pulling a stupid move by being in a weaker body than someone who would "never dare oppose him"... hm.

that would be interesting.

having just read your author note, I'll respond about the wasimii conversation. I thought it was pretty well done. the idea that the northerners won't know how to deal with their issues and stuff is a very real concern, after all. running a country is more work than it looks like... like imagine running a household, only with 134678321 people.

ANYWAY. wasimii is an odd name.

Oh dear. At first I was like, why is this woman not wanting to go to the wedding? Because she doesn't like the Mirelli family? And then I was like, wait, why is she said that they've died then?

And then, of course, I realized. The wedding. sad.

[It shouldn’t have happened to the Mirellis yet.]

not to be a jerk, but I'm honestly curious. does this mean it should have happened eventually?

[they would be the last to be attacked.]

oh. I see what you're saying now.

wow. love the part where "nagomer" is formed. amazing descriptions going on here. I especially adore this: "...the last of the revelations fell into place. Nagomer smiled."

sweet.

good dynamic between the children. I feel bad for wendy but she reminds me of my snotty little cousin too... hah.

criticism for this chapter: overuse of the word cherub. I know why you use it, and you don't have to cut out all instances of it, since you are referring to other kids who look like cherubs, etc, but it's not necessary every single time.

this is just a personal opinion.

what I think is awesome: you do a good balance with dialogue and story, and I think that's great. I can never really reach that balance and end up boring the readers to tears or making them really confused. you've managed to stay lucid and interesting and develop your characters, so you've got a pretty good handle on things for chapter 2.

nice first paragraph. it sets the scene and it actually quite pretty. for some reason I can sort of "see" wedding party music bouncing over the water and into her ear. it's also true that I'm totally weird, so please ignore.

by the time we're three paragraphs in, we have a sort of good idea of what her background is like, just by her musings. I like where you say she purses her lips in an imitation of her mother; I have a cousin who does exactly the same thing.

[Unlike Darren, whose wedding clothes were neatly folded at the end of his bed, Kyle was attempting to sleep in his.]

haha. I like that the children are very different in personality. I'm more of a kyle, I think. very nice! it was all very natural and not infodump like, which is always good.

The finger pricking thing is kind of cool, but it would annoying to prick your finger TOO often... sorry. just thinking out loud.

[...bottom of the stairwell echoed up the stairwell.]

you might not agree with me, but I wouldn't say stairwell twice so close together. I would probably say something like "echoed upwards" or something like that.

wow, mirren knows how to summon a dragon! I assume right now that it's something many of the family members can do. maybe only the younger ones havent learned how to yet. maybe.

lovely description of magic. it doesn't seem cliche at all... just very natural.

I adore the name wendy.

wow, so I love the way you describe the Driechtnacht. my goodness, I hope I spelled that right. At first, I didn't know what to expect, because I was like "what... drinking blood?" but then when you talk about shifting into the human world and stuff.. I really enjoyed that. Very cool idea! I don't read anything with creatures like vampires, so I have no idea how original that really is, but it seems VERY original and yeah.

the dragon is interesting... especially that he can turn into a human and has their last name. so is he a family member?

okay. I feel I've read this before, but perhaps a previous write up, because this seems a lot less confusing. it's actually very lucid and makes me want to read more. which I will do.

my only advice is that you might have started in the middle of the action, when mirren's uncle tells her to summon the dragon. of course, the only problem with that would be losing the wealth of info you give us in the beginning. I likes THAT part because it doesn't sound forced at all... so uh. jury's out?

I liked Mirren's conversation with Darren and their discussion of magic and faith - it adds an extra layer of interest to the story and fleshes out your world a bit more. I also liked the last paragraph of the chapter, with Wendy. What is she hiding? I've a few guesses, but I'm fairly certain none of them are right...

My one crit is that I thought the writing could have been a bit more polished in places. Not that there were a ton of mistakes or anything - it seemed fairly clean - but it struck me as a little choppy in places, particularly during Kyle and Darren's conversation. The sentences were short, and there wasn't that much description.

Minor points:

"To me, you are," said Kimi, smiling her bright sunshiny smile. -- "sunshiny"? I don't know... something about that adjective seems a little juvenile.

"Ah, that's alright. That's not what I'm here about. Can I sit down?" -- "all right" is two words.

The Captain scanned down the list. -- don't think you need the "down"

He smiled ruefully. A passion that have gone unrequited. -- "had gone"

Kyle turned around and faced his twin(.) "Wendy's a girl and she gets weapons training. So why (don't) I?"

But Wendy could have been wrong about that because Mirren turned and left so quickly. -- don't think you need the "so"

While dialogue is good, and flwoing, and all, without specification of tone or expression the words could be said in any way imaginable. Try to describe the character's face or voice for the shorter quotes, at least. That way it's easier to picture and easier to understand.

-"I was younger than she is now when the Driechtnacht came."
The silence was broken a minute or two later when Kyle came in.-

Such a quick transition for such and emotional moment... maybe this was on purpose but I think you shouldl really stress on moments like that, so as to let the reader flow through what the characters feel more smoothly.

-Olga knew that it disappointed the Abbess but Paula had never believed in forcing faith down people's throats.-

Who's Paula? where did she come in?

In your writing, you frequently break up the scenes into little tidbits, which I don't think is the best way to read. If you notice in other professional stories, there is a habit of squishing important and unimortant tidbits together in the same scenes (I'm thinking of Harry Potter because JKR does that a lot, but everyone else does it too). It's called writer's priviledge, because even though it may seem illogical that all these things happen conveniently in this order, it helps the story follow really well. You should try that trick to make longer, and fewer scenes.

Sorry it's been so long since i gave you a review on this story, i just forgot about it i guess.

Anyways, I notice a lot of little things, in your writing style especially, that are very distracting and, well, no offense, obviously traits of an unprofessional writer. Simple things like starting most of your sentances with verbs, adverbs, or prepositions repeatedly. Or simply repeating words, or parts of words (himself/herself). But that's no big deal, your writing's very good for the most part.

The story is creative, the outline and the order of events keeps me reading. But once again with little things, when in a dramatic or interesting moment between characters, lay off the details about surroundings and what they're doing irrelevantly. Focus on the important things like dialog so that it doesn't drag. And also, don't get so dramatic so quickly then fall back out of it. Keep it realistic; people usually take time to build up to high dramatics, but you started off the chapter with a high tension moment. Nothing big, again, but a point to be noticed.

Even after all that (sorry), I must say that I love this story. It's so unique and creative and thoughtful...

I found this chapter quite interesting - it was neat to hear about each child's abilities, and also nice to see Tortura "let her hair down" a little. I wonder what's in store for her - is it too late for her to change her mind and become part of the Academy? Hmm.

One thing that continues to bother me a little about this story is the perspective changes. I don't feel connected to any one specific character - I feel like I *should* feel connected to Mirren, because it seems like she's the most important character, but you don't have a lot of scenes from her point of view, showing us her thoughts, so I have trouble relating to her. This may be more of a personal preference, as the majority of stories I read figure mainly around one central character. It might help, though, if you include more of the thoughts of each character in the spotlight.

Overall, an interesting chapter and enjoyable read!

Minor details:

"Didn't we have enough talking yesterday(?)" Kyle groaned. "I want to get started on the battle magic."

It depends mainly on which of the elements they are most at home in. -- Generally it's a bad idea to end a sentence with a preposition. There are a few exceptions, but "in" isn't one of them.

"From now on, your education will follow the direction you are most suited for. As Mirren will be pleased to hear, she will probably not need to do much more water-magic." Irwin smiled at Mirren. For a second, Tortura stiffened but then she relaxed, assuring herself that she could not read something sinister into everything the man did. -- It took me a moment to realize Tortura was reacting badly to Irwin's smiling at Mirren, rather than what Irwin had said. I don't know if there's a way to make this more clear...?

For example, earth magicians who are gifted with good control and an affinity with growing things, make very good gardeners. -- no comma after "things"

"I don't know. Choose an attractive weapons instructor," Tortura said. -- *Grin*

Dialog - The dialogue was good, though at times there is no intensity. Add a bit more of emotion into it, as it is a a key in showing a character's feelings. However, you narrations of them are very good.

“Yes, yes, he did,” Mirren said, stroking Kimi’s damp hand.

"Yes," Mirren choked,stroking Kimi's damp hand, "yes, he did."

-Characters - Your characters are very good, just try and show themselves a bit more through dialogue. I enjoyed James.

-Writing - so far, I believe this piece is well-written. However I found some words (eg. totally) that didn't fit the piece's amosphere, hence it kind of stunted the building tension. The execution is acceptable, though I am sure it can be improved. A fantasy story is very, very hard to do so. Very little authors can execute it perfectly.

-Spelling- I didn;t quite notice any spelling mistakes. Well done.

-Enjoyment - This wasn't a very suspenseful chapter, so I suggest more movement and a powerful execution. Mainly, I think it's the dialogue.

-Plot - I'm not a critique for this kind of fantasy, but I think this one has a good plot. Just work on how to execute it suspensefully. Add a bit more detail tp the movement, along with fixing the dialogue.

-Other - I think this can be an excellent story, the plot especially. Work on your execution, as this hampers every aspect.

She would not be allow them to fall before these vultures'- is that 'be' supposed to be in there?

Good chapter. I'll continue to read though I'm not sure how long it will take me to catch up, been pretty busy. I like your concepts though, very interesting and unique.

Awesome chapter. At the beginning I was kinda like 'eh.' But you wrap it together very well and compel me to want to read more. I wish there would have been a little more description on this Driechtnacht (very unique name though, names I can't pronounce easily I don't like. So it's fitting for a hated creature, yeah?) I couldn't really picture what was killing everything though I expect that will come as I read more.

I like the concept of the dragons turning into men and what not. Your world seems very complex and detailed, I suppose I'll get to know more about it. I didn't see any grammatical or spelling errors so good work.

Very good job at getting inside of the head of the little girl. Yeah so overall good story. I'll be reading more when I get more time, yeah? Alright, seeya.

Opening: I got lost in the transition again – how much time has passed. How does this relate to the “tomorrow we will begin your training” that I expected. You lost me and made me wonder if I hit the right tab. None of it seemed to tie to the subchapter title -- unless you were speaking figuratively.

Dialogue. I’d use fewer words in a fight.

Lord Naldor stood and slapped his son, knocking him back into his chair. "I would do more if I thought you spoke from anything other than ignorance, my son."
Nesta forced himself back off the chair. "I do not speak from ignorance, father. I speak from knowledge: knowledge that you seek only power and wealth and that you will endanger our entire world to get it. I have heard your plan and I will not be part of it." -{just have him assert his position. “I speak from knowledge. You only want power and wealth. Count me out! – or something like that. It’s too pompus and wordy right now. This could be followed by “Get out of my sight – rather than a veiled ultimatum. He hit him a minute ago – negotiation was not what I expected.}

"Thank-you," said Irwin, also rising. He placed a kiss on her cheek and then made his way to his study.
Once he was safely in his study, {I’m going to assume he actually arrived - you don’t need to tell me. It interrupts the flow when you take one step back like this}

"You can't do it magically. But if you had an emotional hold. Irwin, your reputation with women is well-known. I need you to exert your charisma on the Mirelli heir." {this phrasing is awkward}

"The next eldest Mirrelli girl is sixteen."/ "Then she should be easily taken in."/ "She's sixteen. I won't do it."/ "You swore an oath, Irwin, a drachnari oath. You will do this." {I got lost in who was talking in this section. Some description would help. And why “sixteen” – is it that she’s “too young”? I’m sure it’s more than just the number}

Lady Visetti knew he had been concerned that his friendship with Nesta would get the boy into trouble with his family. {how did she know? Remind me. I haven’t seen this character for awhile}

Nesta looked up from the fire. "Well, it's finally come to it, hasn't it?" he said, smiling bleakly and looking back into the fire. {a bit too much up/down – does he really need to do both?}

"I don't know the details of it. But he wants to use the Weldren case to rally the Land Families and force the Emperor to put Academy outposts on the Islands." {but just before you said he “explained his plan” – the disclaimer really effects his credibility and doesn’t play well into the emotional anguish you paint. If he has doubts or uncertainties then he should also lack confidence on the intent and results of execution. You need to pick.}

"But our autonomy!" said Lady Visetti. This was worse that she expected. Cutting off their supplies was one thing, they were prepared for that, but to try and take their Islands away, to undermine their magic was another. {this just hangs….as a chapter end it’s weak. And the exclamation leaves me feeling something is missing – shouldn’t she ask – “what should we do” or something like that…perhaps he should respond with “But I have a plan” – something to get me curious to read on. Now I just see defeat and think. “wow, that’s too bad”}

Plot: Here I see some movement and forshadowing. I liked that. Add a bit more closure at the end to support the linkage so the reader can see where you intend to go with the other character set. You did that some with the "she's too young, I won't do that" -- so perhaps a reorder of the sections would suit this purpose.

So you’re A/N asked if there was too much of an info dump: I think I’d vote yes at this point. It felt very “fluffy”. And while it was fairly well written it could have been tightened up and perhaps said with fewer words.

I’m not entirely sure how much time has passed between the last chapter and this, if you mentioned it, I missed it. But I thought you did a good job building excitement.

Grammar stuff:
There it was: today was the day when her real education would begin. {I think you need a semicolon}

Excitement now danced out of her tummy and all through her filling her with much more energy than she usually had in the morning. {comma after through her – although this might be better worded something like: Excitement danced out of her stomach, filling her with energy – far more than any typical morning}

The bubbles of excitement that were now bursting all through her meant that Mirren was up and ready for the day much more quickly than normal. It was, therefore, quite unlikely that much was happening in the abbey. {again, so many passive voice/soft words. I’d love to see more drama}

So, she dragged the chair from the vanity table to her desk, all the while avoiding seeing her reflection in the overly large mirror that hung opposite her bed. {like this sentence – do this more. Since you don’t, as a reader I wonder where the meat is – I think you do yourself a disservice with the laundry list of activities. You’ve made the point of how special the day is, but you repeat it a bit too much for my personal taste. I enjoyed the internal reflections – but I wanted to be shown through the actual day unfolding, rather than her anxiety.}

Still sparkling with dew, the gallery bridge connected each of the bell-towers to the main part of the abbey. In this gallery bridge were kept all the most impressive paintings and sculptures done by the faith artists over the ages. {do I need to know this now?}

Pushing herself away from the tree, Mirren set back down along the path. Almost without thinking, she picked some of the blooms from a handy shrub and threaded them into her hair. {this I liked. We have action and character description – actually going somewhere}

The dialogue initially is good. But it repeats the “I’m nervous”, “this day is special” theme. This again supports my recommendation to trim some of the personal reflection. Alternatively, dive right into the action rather than the opening convo you have.

Mirren didn't reply. Turning the conversation to safer ground, Mirren asked, "Any news from the Capital?" {actually – she did reply. You might need a different verb}

Flow: I liked how you separated the point of view shift with the symbol. That helped me stay focused on what was shifting without feeling like the camera angle panned away from my view.
That is a useful device and one I’d recommend you continue.

Newen sat quietly in a chair further down the corridor. This was the first time he would be directly involved in the education of the children and Irwin could tell he was nervous. {really? How – just because he’s sitting?}

Plot: I liked the last section with the history. It provided good background, a little foreshadowing as well. Dialogue was used effectively, showing me rather than just telling me.

Descriptions: You added some good fantasy elements (sourfruit, the location) all these gave that nice “I’m not on earth today” element. But you didn’t overdue it, since you also gave me frame of reference with familiar things in her bedroom, etc. I thought that was good balance.

"In the same way that the island stones guard the empire from being attacked from within, the Heart of Magic guards the hearts of men. Preventing us from being possessed by the dread creatures," Irwin said. {this is just a bit choppy with the fragment.}

"Trust me we would know if it had been lost. Its loss would render the rest of the island stones utterly useless," Irwin said. {nice potential drama here dundundun…typo ”It’s”}

Nice conclusion on the end. I know what tomorrow brings, so I liked that better than the last chapter.

Opening: I didn’t understand the dialogue that opened this – I wouldn’t open a conversation with “so” but maybe that’s just me. You have an odd verb tense as well, suddenly this is future tense. You then flip back to past. I’d suggest rewriting the first paragraph.

Dialogue: I noticed that you like to use the character names, repeatedly. Most people know who they are talking to and occasionally will throw a name in for emphasis. In the last chapter too I see a pattern of name, name, name – particularly in the men speaking to the women. You might be able to edit for flow.

Example in the snippet below: See how you use “wendy” – it’s repetitive.
"Wendy, she fainted."
"I was there too, Kyle."
"Why were you there, Wendy?"
"The priestesses said someone should call Irwin and Mirren in for lunch."
"Yes, but they never asked anyone to. They sent me straight after you. They're aware that it's dangerous to interrupt while Mirren is working."
"Why are you being so mean, Kyle? You're supposed to be my friend."
"I am your friend, Wendy. But the way you've been behaving around Master Irwin is ridiculous. And today you put Mirren in danger."
Wendy retreated into a stony silence.
"Please, Wendy! You're a Mirelli."

{-and every time she talks to Kyle she uses his name, and again I'll get a Wendy….}
"Alright, Kyle, I'll be good."
"Thanks, Wendy." He gave her a quick hug and got up.

Descriptions: Overall good. I liked the chapel and the feel you added with the candles.

Plot: I’m not sure why you stopped and started this chapter where you did. It doesn’t feel like it stands alone or contains much more than stage setting. I’m a bit stumped on a hook to read on. I am thirsty for some foreshadowing. His wife going to the bathroom -- I just don't here dramatic music.

Spelling/grammar: Nothing that leapt out at me.