Reviews for Southern Vamps - FictionPress.com

Faith Adeline
2007-12-19
ch 1,

abuseMmk, I think this has a lot of potential. One thing I would suggest, is go into further detail on what happened with the bag. Right now, it's fuzzy. Just add more to it and you should be fine. Oh and, " ...placing the bad in my hands." - I'm sure that is supposed to be bag. Otherwise than that, this is good! I like it! Keep up the good work and update asap.
Faith

SamanthaNicole
2007-12-18
ch 1,

abuseI decided I needed a distraction from studying for finals, and stumbled across your story!

First of all, I have to say you have a really interesting concept here, though I'd be careful. If you're going to use traditional methods of keeping vampires away/killing them/all that, be sure to stay consistent. So far, so good.

I really enjoyed this, though I was a bit confused. I know your summary kind of describes the basic premise of the story, and while this first chapter was really good, I feel like it was sort of out of place. Like something should have happened before all this. Sometimes being thrown into a story is a good thing, and other times it's a bit confusing. I think this story is seriously made of win, I just think you may want to consider adding a bit to this to clarify how and why Charlie came to be staying with Bubba.

Also, I'm confused as to why Zach dropped his bag in the first place, since you say he made eye contact with Charlie as he ran past. Was the whole thing intentional? Or are we supposed to find out at a later date? Or maybe I'm just missing something - I *have* been doing math for the past six hours, and it's now very late (or very early, depending on how you look at it). But I digress. Just something to think about.

One minor spelling error I picked up on:
"...he'd broken one of my tows and was trying to explain." I think you meant to say 'toys' here.

A few lines above that, you forgot to capitalize 'Bubba.'

As I said before, I think this story has some serious potential. Lovely descriptions, and the opening was pretty fantastic. Keep up with this, I'm eager to see how everything plays out!

Cheers,
Sammy

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