FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Emily Brooke 2008-07-26 ch 1,  | abuseI read through your first chapter and part of you second chapter. You tend to start off your sentences with the word 'I' quite a bit. I would try to use some variety in how you start your sentences. I also went through and took a quick look at all of your other chapters. Big paragraphs tend to throw readers off. Most people don't like to read through large paragraphs like you have. I know that I have a short attention span and I can't stand it. And you don't appear to have any diologue. Readers like dialogue. It allows the readers to know more about the characters. When all you have is thought process or actions, people won't find the story appealing. I don't mean to sound harsh, I'm just trying for some cunstructive critisizm. If I have offended you in any way, please tell me. I don't want to be a remembered as a mean person who offended you and your writing. Please message me back or something if you would like to. -Emily |
| iheartcarebears 2008-03-03 ch 2, | abusethat was cool are u going to write more? :) |
| OHRAPUNZEL 2007-12-18 ch 1, | abusewow, I like =] very effective! I love the way you've kept everything so neat and compact, it makes it so much easier to read on the screen! not only that but you used the sentance structure fairly well just make sure you check the fluency and maybe include some longer description in there somewhere. I find it really helps if you read it slowly out loud. you pick up on almost any unnoticed grammatical/spelling/fluency error. There's real emotion in this though! especially towards the end! I'm impressed, are you writing more? cmb |