|Reviews for Will Time Be The End of Us|
| Morwain 4/22/08 . chapter 1
| Distilledfx 4/8/08 . chapter 1
The idea behind this is really cool, and shows us that the characters aren't shallow kids, but 3 dimensional characters. You don't tell us what is wrong with the main character, but you tell us enough. It seemed a bit out of place for her to say that line about "where she will be in a year," but it just makes her human because we all say things we don't mean or should have kept to ourselves. The only thing is that it felt like a bit of a cop out when she revealed that she would die in a year, it would have been nicer if you let these emotions and thoughts stand for themselves instead of giving her a crutch, but still it makes her easier to understand and wouldn't have done much for the story.
You quickly built up the setting and mood of the piece which can be hard to do. The writing is nice to read and doesn't slow the story down at all. There was one line though that needs fixing, "I never believe that more [that more] than I did right now." And also I think it should be "believed".
Nice idea, its a downer and introspective, but happy stories are boring to read sometimes and it wouldn't have been the same if you had written.
"What was the line from that one movie; life's a garden; dig it."
| Kinderwhore 4/8/08 . chapter 1
I really liked the theme/subject of this piece, and your simple, minimalist writing style serves to carry the dark tone really well. It also makes some descriptions, subtle though they are, really stand out, eg. red hair, green leather jacket. I'm still undecided about whether I like the occasional adjective or not, especially as you only ever describe the narrator, and not Justin; it sort of ruins the minimalistic effect.
I also quite liked how you italicized certain semi-poetic phrases; it placed due emphasis on the words, and really made them stand out. The repetition of the first line was also lovely, but I think you should have some closing punctuation, eg. "I stood atop the ridged rubble of what used to be our home..." It was a great way of introducing the readers to the piece.
Something I didn't like was your over usage of commas, especially in/around dialogue; they run the entire sentence together where there should have been longer pauses (or so I felt). A period here and there wouldn't hurt!
Lastly, the only typo I could spot: "things whither away" -I think you mean "wither"?
All in all, very good; keep it up.