Reviews for Laughs, Secrets, And Mermaid Tales

Reviews For: Laughs, Secrets, And Mermaid Tales

Eilinora 2007-12-25 ch 2,	abuseOkay, I have a few things to say about your story. It's mostly critique, but it's not a flame. First of all, your story has a pretty cliched premise. It could still be a good story if well-written, but it feels rushed, like you haven't put much thought into how you plan to develop the characters and story. The whole thing with the lost necklace seemed somewhat random; there was nothing preceding it that mentioned anything about that whole thing. Also, the "Carl" character is introduced and becomes a suddenly important character within a few paragraphs. The flow of the conversation between Anisa and Carl feels very awkward. Boys don't often walk up to complete strangers and ask, "Do you believe in mermaids?" It would be more believeable if he had had some kind of interaction with Anisa in the past. I think your writing style could use some work. You include unimportant details, such as the patterns of shower curtains and brands of cereal, when you could be devoting more time and description to the events in the plot. It feels a bit like this story is on fast-forward, and that you're diving into it headfirst instead of taking time to lay out a proper back story. Giving some more detail to the plot and characters early on lays the groundwork for future events. There are also a few nitpicks I have with your writing. In the first chapter, you wrote "dieing" instead of "dying". This shows that you may not be carefully proofreading your work. Also, you use "Flashback" and "End Flashback" tags. Most readers, like myself, feel like these jerk the reader out of the story, and are unnecessary. The paragraph ending "...while remembering what Naida told me one year after we met" shows that a flashback is about to take place, and you could set off the flashback scene with line breaks or italics instead of announcing when it begins and ends. Judging by your writing style and profile, you seem fairly young. I'm sure that with some work, you can become an excellent writer. I recommend getting a beta (not a friend) to catch any spelling or grammar errors, and to help with plot development and pacing. I'd be happy to beta for you, if you want me to. Like I said, you show promise, so I hope you keep writing and practicing.
bluewaves64 2007-12-24 ch 2,	abuseo someone who believes that mermaids exists? hope to see more of carl =) update soon!
bluewaves64 2007-12-20 ch 1,	abuseu seem to haf an interesting plot here =) i always thought that it's very challenging to write in first person POV. Thought that it's usually very difficult to have detailed descriptions writing in the POV. looking forward to reading more of this so i can learn afew pts frm u =) Felt that the part with the dialogues was interesting and it managed to show how the nature of the characters. bt u might have wanted to show more of hw the main character felt when she met the mermaid. nice job so far n keep writing! =)

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