FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| 4th triforce piece 2008-04-16 ch 10,  | abuseWhat the heck? How did Zelda and Link get in here? |
| 4th triforce piece 2008-04-16 ch 6, | abuseI missed out due to feeling miserable so now I am on to chappy 5! Now in an earlier chapter Phil was driving behind the other dude that took his mothers body and parked a quarter mile from the Waste Plant at night? How far behind was he from the Sedan during the driving? Because according to force he would have to be farther then a quarter mile while he was driving. (You didn't display his speed) I have notice that none of the names are real names. How come you changed it? I think there was a version that had real names. PS. I like the level of detail in the room of the Factory but I am surprised that when he throw the body down the guards didn't checked the surrounding fields where Phil slept for any signs of the murderer. |
| hiddencloud9 2008-02-22 ch 1, | abuseYou have quite a bit of talent; your sentences individually have a nice sound to them. That being said, you could trim back on some of the sentences because collectively they sometimes have a choppy kind of flow. For example: "While I walked back to my car I saw another car pull up. This new car was slim, sleek and black. It was barely visible in the darkness of the night. Then a black-haired man stepped out of the van." This, while not bad, could be rewritten to ring beautifully. I might have written it, and this is just my take on it and not in any way better: "While I walked back to my car, another pulled up some ways away, sleek, slim, and black, barely visible in the dark of the night. It seemed almost lifeless until a black haired man stepped out, seeming to make the darkness even more oppressive." That's just one example. Again, I'm not saying mine is better; I actually hate my style for action and find it too matter of fact. But you have the style for it; it just needs to be refined. |
| 4th triforce piece 2008-02-01 ch 5, | abuseGood story. I like the new descriptions. I felt like I was exploring the town. I could almost feel the cold breeze. 1 problem. I am confused about the part where he was being driven somewhere and shot someone then jumped out of the car. You kinda skipped from the Hospital to the car-scene what happened in between there? Huh? Wthat the heck? |
| 4th triforce piece 2008-01-05 ch 3, | abuseHey! This is a good story with dramatic moments but average moments mixed out as well I like it that way. Instead of just actin all da time. I like the character interactions I hope their are alot of them if he meets people |