FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| Katie Saychiadu 2008-03-05 ch 1,  | abuseI like the tone of this one much better than the mean hateful one of yours, lol... It's almost like poetry in a way. Short, sweet and to the point. I like it! |
| Nano's Robot Killed Tokyo 2007-12-21 ch 1, | abuseI agree with Audy, don't appologize. :) This is a very short peice, but a lot is said. It reminds me of my own highschool days, when I used to go to class early just so I could see the back of this gorgeous guy's head as he walked by the window. xD Infatuation makes us all stalkers. nice piece. :) cheers. |
| MoonfireSpam23 2007-12-21 ch 1, | abuseDon't apologize! That makes the reader not want to read your story! :( "I watched him for the..." You could make that first section MUCH longer, saying something like this. "I watched him as he carefully took notes on the teacher's lesson. His hazel eyes never left the woman as she talked..." "He was smart. He was beautiful." Was? Is he not now? Don't just tell me that he's drop dead gorgeous, tell me by describing his face. Your tenses contrast. In the beginning, it's past tense. Later, however, it moves to present tense and then back to past. Keep it in present, that's my suggestion. This sounds way too rushed, I get that from how you wrote it and the last author's note. I'd go back and do some major description adding. |
| Audy 2007-12-21 ch 1, | abuseQuinny, I happened to have read your author's note (because it was bold and there wasn't too much of anything else to read) and then I shook a pointed finger at the computer screen. -Never- apologize to anyone about your work. No matter what their opinions are or no matter who's in the right, you put your writing on this site and you should display it proudly. Granted, we all make mistakes -- but that's what reviews are here for. For writers to listen to the reader and /improve/ their writing. But don't ever say that your writing sucks, otherwise --why should we read it? Well thats my little speech. All in all, this piece you have here is so short, I'm left asking myself 'What is there to review?' But I understand you were working with little time on your hands. When I read this, I get the feeling that I was inside some stalker's head --which only proves interesting and makes me want to read more. One little mistake here, "...teacher didn't bother on calling on me..." take out the second 'on'. Just little nit-picky things, but...what else am I supposed to review? ~ Audy |