Reviews for The Legion of Karabor

Reviews For: The Legion of Karabor

Imalefty 2008-02-26 ch 1,	abusereview game! :) hmm... is there a reason why your prologue is all in italics? if it's not really needed, then... i would suggest getting rid of the italics. i disagree with your first reviewer - i don't think this is too much of an info dump. i would like a bit more personality from your character, but i don't think that there's that much of a need for you to totally change what you've got. i don't really like the last line... it's a bit too "prophetic" or just... telling or something. i think the readers can infer from the rest of the chapter that there's going to be an epic battle. i generally don't like naming swords, but i hope that you've named it for a reason. :) don't let me down! XD in the beginning, you start a lot of your sentences with "he" or some other noun/pronoun. (i do the same thing a lot...) anyway, i would suggest trying to vary the sentence starters a bit, like you did in the middle... :) also in the beginning... your sentences are rather short, which gives the piece a sort of choppy feel. maybe merge some of them together to make it flow a bit smoother? "The smell of dead bodies was unmistakable[;] Karabor was being invaded" - i think this is how it should be... though i'm not sure how the two sentences really relate. "Drawing his massive blade in the air..." - this whole paragraph has too much "dark" in it. (well, the paragraph after, too) perhaps a synonym? "Lets give him..." - i think it's "Let's." anyway, an interesting start. it's not particularly original yet, but i'm sure you have some twist planned... good job so far. keep writing! -Lefty ps: i STRONGLY suggest you change your summary. the summary is really all a reader has to start out with, and if you're just asking for reviews, it's unlikely that someone's going to click and read. if you need help with a summary, go to the story improvements topic on the review game. :) i'm not too good with summaries, but the others there can probably help you.
tibetan-knight 2008-02-25 ch 1,	abuseReview Game! This was a good start, and it definitely has potential. You are very descriptive and the imagery is very clear. Your sentence structure, for the most part, flows easily and it is easy to keep up with the story. Definitely something that benefits the reader. I would suggest going without the Italics, since your entire prologue is in Italics. It's not really needed and a bit ** the eyes. Also, I was a bit confused as to who the woman was and what side she was on at the end, so I would suggest a bit of clarifying. --Rachel
Tamaki 2007-12-21 ch 1,	abuseThis story is amateur. This is not meant as an insult, but this story is clearly written by an amateur. It feels like an info dump. I can tell just by reading the first paragraph. It is best if you do not describe the characters. The way that you intrude upon the story with your descriptions ("He was tall and powerfully built with colossal muscles") is jarring and abrasive. Rather, allow the characters to show themselves through their actions. Here's an example: "The wind blew his ragged black hair away from his face. He sniffed and smelled traces of smoke. He smiled and slid a scarred hand down towards the hilt, resting it upon the pommel. His fingers restlessly tapped the handle, eager to grip it and bring it smashing down upon the army below." These two sentences show several things. First, it describes the character physically (hair). It also makes it clear that the character is battle-scarred in more than one way. These sentences also add a level of tension to the scene; it is obvious that something big is about to happen. One last thing: If you're going to name the sword, find some other way to let the reader know its name without stating it outright. Allow the character to tell the reader their swords name (through dialogue with another character) or simply have the name inscribed on the scabbard or something.

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