Great Story!
(ok, so I admit, my favorite characters are the ones I created... what can I say... though Tawny and Tiffanya are also pretty cool)

This chap briefly jumps to present tense here; “Tiffanya glances hopelessly into the cracked mirror on the wall.”

“She didn’t act like she was sixteen. She acted almost as if she was older than Tiffanya and Tawny, and it was weird.” I hope this is not some poor attempt at foreshadowing that Riolina is immortal or a magically rejuvenated geriatric or an elf or something…

Yeah, again with the odd attention to features. Do we really need to hear about Aroth’s “dark green eyes” in the context of that particular moment?

This seems a bit non-sequitur; “Her voice did not waver, as one might expect a voice to in such a situation. Her tone did not betray her. In fact, Riolina’s voice came out with absolutely no emotion. It was the way she had been taught to talk to people.” Perhaps it could be put into the narrative a bit more discreetly?

Same deal for this review as last one (that being it's a two-in-one);

The descriptions of character features could be written more naturally, for sure. Less exotic words would help with that, as would not lingering/overindulging in these details. Short and sweet works best.

“Pig in the Mud” is a pretty good tavern name.

“It's impossible for someone could sneak in there…” An edit wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Hmm. The conversation over the King and whether it was an inside job or not leaves out a reference to a second speaker. It seems instead as if they “inside job” man is talking to himself and quickly changes his own opinion.

“Those Paladin Guards got their heads to far their-” Firstly, it’s “too”. And I’m assuming the word “up” should be in between “far” and “their”.

Missing the quotation mark at the beginning of “I’ll do no such thing.”

“Slay you down”? Odd expression…

If Riolina is “the best in the (mercenary) business”, then why is she working in a tavern? Shouldn’t she be getting high-paying assassination jobs or something? Maybe she’s on the outs in the merc community? Or has a price on her head and has to lay low?

A few mugs “too” many.

Uh… why are these people so young? I mean, 20 is acceptable enough. But a 16-year-old merc who is the *best in the business*?

Hmm. Having the characters say their names and then immediately seeing “Riolina said” or “Tiffanya said” is a little weird. Maybe you could try “the mercenary” or “the girl” etc., and “the paladin”?

Minor error, but Riolina says no one’s ever been “brave enough” to try the PitM Surprise, and then a bit later, Tawny says she’s had it before.

Hmm. Their journey seemed to pass by quickly. REALLY quickly. Like, in a sentence. Maybe a bit more detail?

Can't review first chap where I normally would since I posted a character there, so here's my review of that and the second chapter;

A few typos and omitted words. Most glaring is the use of “conscious” instead of “conscience”.

Are paladins really so resourceful that “teams of one” would do any good? Also, how many are being tasked with finding the king? Who will continue the usual paladin duties?

Overall, this is pretty good. I’m not seeing any horrible use of tropes or any outstanding Sue qualities in either characters so far, so that’s a good sign.

“Who’s”, not “whose”.

The conversation about Tiffanya seems a bit sudden. I can buy Tawny asking about her out of the blue, I suppose, but something like explain how Astrid is 28, making her 8 years older than her sister feels a little forced. Saying Tiffanya’s the younger sibling works well enough. Otherwise, this chapter's fine.

Heh...This was a very short chapter, but nice to know you've updated.I cant wait to see Hii, I bet you'll really birng him out. Good luck!

-String

Can we still submit characters?

I like the story, but could you leave a list of characters as first chapter...?

Hi

i am back, it took one hell of time to update you know!

It was quite a nice chapter, unfortunatly a bit boring but nontheless i twas quite nice!

i wandered,at the top of the page it said by lamppost i-dont-know-what, do that means there is some1 else writing? if so could i help as wel!

Hope u liked my review

DarkSaboteur

So are you just using select characters or will more show up?

--dreamshell--

Okay, okay, I'm late with the character thing, but no big. Anyway, on to the review.

Hmm... Tiffanya huh? I wonder...
Another way to say "brown haired" would be brunette. Though I'm sure you knew that.
You spelled sleeved wrong at one point.
Whoa, the ending confused me. I think I oughta go back and reread that...

But otherwise, awesome so far! Um...Sorry I still haven't updated MOTFF. I didn't have the flash drive with the next Chapter of it with me, so you'll still have to wait. But I have another story up, if ya gots the time...

UPDATE!

Looks like this will turn into a good story. Keep going with it! I really like the beggining too.

Its me and i am back!

You have a nice story the only problem is that it pop from nowwhere.

The qustions are:
-Where does it happen?
-What is the name of the King?
-Why there is noe description about the characters? The only glimpse of description of tawny we get is her eyes!
Not enough! Descripe for god sake! And that Paladin, how is she? Young, middle aged, and other description, cmon!



And to you in particular, Moonfire, if you get my chracter in some kind of dirty business, because i have read the ratings (T=Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes) I dont want it to be in adult business OKAY?

I have seen that you have more sucess with whoever you started it than with me!
Even though i dont give a damn because i am going to write something with some else!

Ciao!

This is just for the fun of making up a character, considering I would never follow through on making a story including him.

Name: Xilynth V'Ergon
Gender: Male, Elf/Human
Age: 423 (His elfen side is dominant, so he lives to be around 1400-1600)
Job Class: Necromancer/Invoker/Sorcerer (Controls the dead and uses many directly offensive spells, such as fireballs, arrows, meteors, etc., and has a natural affinity for magic) He works on commission, acting as an assassin/mercenary for various groups/power-hungry maniacs.
Outfit: Dark, shimmering black cape with a small skull clasp on his right shoulder, as well as Black, scaled, almost dragon-like armor with hints of dark green below the surface. Normal breeches, black (as per the rest of his outfit), and black leather boots. He has jet black hair, and green, piercing eyes that you can't hide from, no matter where you go. He has sharp features, and a scar running down the side of his face that shows up slightly pink on his abnormally pale skin. Thin and slender, yet he could break you in half like a toothpick (although he would prefer to singe you to a crisp with a fireball).
Personality: Dark and brooding, this man is not to be messed with. He is probably one of the strongest spellcasters in the world, arguably as strong as a demi-god or other supernatural being. He doesn't speak often, and when he does, it is in deep gravelly tones that don't seem to match up with his body, as though some other, larger, more dangerous being is speaking instead of the slender elf you see. He has no friends, and doesn't plan on getting any anytime soon. Some self-esteem issues, and suffers from severe psychosis, causing him to be a reclusive sociopath. Highly volatile, he barely makes contact with the world except for when he is requested to do a hit-job.
Past and Family: Xilynth was born in deep underground with the Dilunim elves, although his mother had mated with a human, she had come back down underground so he could be raised like a normal elf child. But he was anything but normal. When he was three he accidentally cast a fireball in the middle of a worship ritual for their god Catracolm, causing mass panic. When he was five, he summoned, and slayed, a demon. When he was seven, he raised his dead father from the grave to tell him it was a mistake to have mated with his mother. After this little reunion, he ran away after turning his mother to stone in her sleep, and began to truly dabble in the darker arts. At 13 he destroyed an entire town of humans, angry that he ever existed. After this he began to wander the world, destroying all those who stood in his path and gathering large sums of money for assassinating impertinent humans. He now lives alone in a small underground city of other Dilunim, but he won't reside there for long, he tires of the constant darkness.

I love making mages. They are so much fun. Especially when they have mental disorders. Anyway... maybe you can use this character for a story or something, because I know that I probably won't. Enjoy.

--Quinny

Hmn...To capture all the seven whatsis or three bittles and use them to remain eternally good looking forever?AND THANKIES FOR USING HI MAN!I know, horrid nickname for my poor dragon.

-String

Hello!I have the perfect person!He's a dragon in dusguise.Here's the stats.

name:Hiate(hee-ah-tay)

gender:male

age:looks to be about 24(really is much older)

job class: He sings, but he also turns to his dragon form.

outfit:A brown leather vest, with red short sleeved underarmour under it.Long black pants, and a small coin pouch attached to a brown leather belt.

personality:Happy, bright, cheerful, humorous, gullible and easily exitable.Like a phychotic five year old when on sugar.

past and family: He was a forbidden creature between two races of dragon, the fire reds and the darkness blacks(you may make up race names).His mother died when he was only eight in dragonyears, so he was promptly kicked out of the red's homes.He wanderd, falling in love and getting his heart broken, in a half dragon form, with rusty red horns, large red and black wings, and a long tail with spikes on it's tip for fighting.He finally found a home, and the young woman who lived there and took care of different magical beings taught him of magic and singing, and of playing stringed instruments.He moved on, knowing he has a permanet home, and now travels, playing a guitar and singing songs for a living.His father, a darkness dragon of great power, is still alive.

other:He has long black hair, 4 red streaks, and bright green eyes.He calls himslef a halfling so people wont suspect otherwise.

Thanks!

-String