|Reviews for The Dork and the Dragon|
| IdeasInTheAir 3/10/08 . chapter 4
) Oh what fun times, running away! That was an excellent running away sequence.
I agree with lovefantsyworkreality that one of those major characters will turn up their toes, pop their clogs, kick the bucket by the end.
Rosalee is a bit intense. Oh wait.
That was probably the understatement of the day.
She is *huals out thesaurus* VEHEMENT.
Well done, I cannot wait to read more! (I like the City name L'Etoile de Mer. I spelt star wrong there, sorry.)
Smiles for you!
| Linwe Ann 3/9/08 . chapter 3
this is REALLY REALLY funny! gosh... im just too lazy to type all the things i liked about it, but let me tell you, there were a lot! definately one of my favs! its refreshing to have a protagonist who's a whimpy nerd, and a friend who acts like a frickin DEMON. (though i admit, she's my favorite character!)
Well, awesome job, and thanks for all of the treats. they were yummy!
... can i have some flan next time? please?
| lovefantasyworkreality 3/8/08 . chapter 4
Very exciting, but... wow. Rosalee is insanely tense. That's very impressive.
I wager that at least one major character will die by the end (besides a natural death).
| IdeasInTheAir 2/22/08 . chapter 3
Intersting. A bit short, but I shouldn't be talking. Anywho, I think Rosalee is a bit...murderous for Mitchell. I thought that even before she took out that person, but now...I definetly wouldn't want to be on her bad side. About the title: Right now it seems to be more of about the sword than a Dork and a Dragon, but I sense with my awesome abilities that it'll come in later. Anywho, well done! Smiles for you!
| lovefantasyworkreality 2/22/08 . chapter 3
Yeah, why WOULD you work for someone so impatient? Anyway, cool chapter, I still love how it feels both medieval and modern simaltaneously. Keep up the good work!
As for the lychees in my story: oops.
| Klutzilla01 1/5/08 . chapter 2
Lol, this was awesome, and funny! I hope you update soon! XD
| anti-climax 1/4/08 . chapter 2
I enjoyed this thoroughly.
No need to question the flying dragons, witches, powerful legendary swords and stuff; the emo jokes were just entertaining by themselves ;)
| AliKernschatten 1/4/08 . chapter 2
Cute. I like it. You'd think the characters would be a little more upset about this huge new on-slaught of killings, unless they happen more frequently than they seem to in the chapter.
| Northwesst 1/2/08 . chapter 2
That is so sterotyping! not all emo's cut themselves! We just think about cutting ourselves. lol, I like this story. I think it's really funny. I love fantasy stories as much as I love romance, except no one seems to like my fantasys. oh well, their loss. Keep up with the story, It'll turn out great!
| lovefantasyworkreality 1/2/08 . chapter 2
Hehehe... I love it when the underdog is suddenly pushed into a high position and doesn't know what to do... the results can be so hilarious. An interesting concept, combining the modern world with the medieval/fantasy world. I think it's come out fairly well.
| Katherine-the-greate 1/2/08 . chapter 2
rosalee scares me. Now the beginning somewhat makes sense. Pos more soon.
| Katherine-the-greate 1/1/08 . chapter 1
Okay, I admit, I'm lost. What was the meaning of this chapter. One guy defeated evil in a minor battle and won a sword. Lets order pizza and celebrate! But really what is the point in starting nowhere with unintroduced characters and unknown plot or period setting?
| Katie 1/1/08 . chapter 1
Where's the rest of it? it's amazing! Honestly...whoever writes a story with the names Percival and Wolfgang has definitely got some talent!
| IdeasInTheAir 1/1/08 . chapter 2
That's funny.))) I like it, it's like a mordern city, without all of the modernity, and the likes. Like technology. And all that jazz. You know what I mean...) Yeah, I really like it, but Rosalee's right, Mitchell is a PANSY! He needs to get some nerve. Or something. I really like it, it's really good, and I love how the prolouge/chapter 1 was like a history lesson for us, but way cooler.)
| Fluffy Piranha 1/1/08 . chapter 1
I'll give this a good review, as it needs one. I realize this is humorous fantasy, but please, stick to the reality of things. You can put humor in a reality of fantasy, right?
You wouldn’t think that on a bright, sunny day in the middle of May, there would be a struggle of life and death.
(( And why wouldn't we? What's so special about a day like this? What about all of the struggles of life and death in the real world. We face this crap nearly every day, do we not? How many riots and struggles do you think the world has been facing each May, on all of those bright and sunny days? A lot. It's to be expected, trust me. There's no way a human mind could just say "Oh wow, it's beautiful. Everything is going to go right, there will not be a thing wrong." EENNG. Wrong already. Life is full of errors, not perfection.
It was in May that the United States declared war on Mexico. A German submarine sank the passenger liner Lusitania in World War I. And what about the Vietnam War deaths? That war went on for 6 years, which means 6 years of war during the month of May, during all of those bright, sunny days, blood was shed.
Also, if it's a sunny day, the reader isn't going to be a retard and think it's going to be dark (at least, maybe not, it could happen). In saying this, "bright, sunny day" is stupid to say. All you need is the 'sunny day' part and voila. The reader knows it's gonna be bright. ))
Nor would you think that such a struggle would happen in the middle of an otherwise peaceful glen.
(( *sigh* Wrong again. Why the hell would you think that all riots/struggles/wars wind up on a deserted plain of dry, cracked earth with vultures circling above? They don't go "Okay guys, let's go here to fight. This way no innocents get hurt and it's not pretty enough to ruin." Ugh.
A peaceful, narrow valley. Pretty sure plenty of these places have had blood soaked into the ground. I mean, really. Read other fantasy books where war is waging. Pretty valleys are meant to be ruined. ))
Two men stood in the middle of said glen, both of them facing each other, both with swords in their sheaths, and both with dark, raven colored hair.
(( Both, both, both. I think we get the picture. Some of this is just an infodump on them. Unless they are brothers (with the whole dark hair thing) take that part out. Who cares what hair they have? It could be spiked in the color og lime, but that won't pertain to the story. ))
- Two men stood in the middle of said glen facing each other, their swords sheathed.
One of them was scratched up, beaten, and bruised.
(( Scratched up and bruised go along with being beaten. You don't need those two because they are pointing to all the same thing that the reader should know. Also, you are telling the reader instead of showing. Don't do that. It bothers us. ))
- Battered and bruised, one of them looked like he'd been chewed up and spit out.
(( Something along those lines. I know that one isn't great. ))
He had a scar right below his left eye, matching the bleeding wounds on his arms and the cut on his shoulder that had made his sleeve start to tear away. His dark hair was tussled so badly that it looked like it had never met a hairbrush. He had piercing golden brown eyes that were currently glaring at his opponent, who looked as though he had just come from a day at the spa.
(( Oi, mostly an infodump, but we can keep it, just turn it into something better than the dreck it is. Had, had, had. So you're saying it's no longer there if it's in the past tense, correct? And if it's not there anymore, because he 'had' it, then there's not point in talking about this crap, ya?
How can a cut on the shoulder make a sleeve START to tear away? That's like saying "Oh look, a cut. My sleeves falling off now. Watch, see? There it goes. Holy crap, it tore itself off!" It don't work like that. Sorry. It should have been torn when the cut was made. ))
- A scar marred the skin below his left eye and the gashes on his arms coated his skin with the slick film of blood. The sleeve of his shirt tore off with the received slash on his shoulder. Hunched over, he glared at the clean opponent through unruly hair.
The ridiculously clean one smirked, gripping the hilt of his sword.
(( Adverbs...be wary of those. They ruin the sentence. And of course, if the other guy is as nasty as a homeless beggar in a sewer and this one is clean, the reader is already going to think that's ridiculous. The word is not needed. Take it out. ))
Percival looked down from his glimmering sword that was currently in its sheath and back up to meet his enemy’s cold green eyes, and he drew his sword.
(( So...if Percival looked down from his glimmering sword, wouldn't that imply he's standing on it? Damn. But then again, the glimmering sword is in its sheath, so it shouldn't be shimmering should it? Think about it. This is passive. ))
- Percival looked at his sheathed sword and back up to meet his enemy’s cold gaze. With a calculating slowness, he drew his sword.
“That sword does not belong to a coward and thief like you are, Wolfgang,”
(( Mm, it's fantasy, but I know I've heard of Wolfgang before, so I decided to google it. There are a lot of people with that name-famous people. If this is fantasy, it's better to create your own name for a character, not one that's been used in reality over and over again. Unless there is a reason behind the name of Wolfgang here, I'd advise you to change it. ))
And with that, he lunged at the enemy and the duel began.
(( Try not to start words with 'and'. ))
- That being said, he lunged at the enemy and the duel began anew.
Wolfgang moved with graceful skill, avoiding each fatal blow with the glimmering sword he held in his strong hands.
(( Avoiding isn't the right word to use. Perhaps deflecting would be a much better term.
The blows are going to be fatal, the readers know this. And the sword is of course in his strong hands, so this is not needed either. Your just putting more words in a sentence to drag it on. Stop that. Act like your readers are smart. ))
- Wolfgang moved with graceful skill, deflecting each blow with the glimmering sword he held.
Percival was a fierce warrior whose greatest strength was offense.
(( Infodump. Don't need it. Don't care for it. ))
His own sword clashed with Wolfgang’s, but he was at a clear disadvantage, not only because of Wolfgang’s quick reflexes, but because the sword instinctively knew where Percival was going to strike next.
(( Passive voice in here. ))
- Percival's sword clashed with Wolfgang's, ensuing a disadvantage. Not only were Wolfgang's reflexes impressive, but the opponent's sword knew where Percival would strike next.
Wolfgang grew tired of defending him and his sword and so, ducking beneath Percival’s blade, he lifted his own and flung out at Percival’s cheek, grazing him ever so slightly before Percival ducked down and spun around on his legs, causing Wolfgang to stumble, but that was all Percival needed.
(( A long sentence, indeed. You need to cut it down. Another note, it's kind of hard to spin around when you're on your legs, heels are easier to spin around on. ))
- Wolfgang grew tired of defending and ducked beneath Percival’s blade, lifting his own and grazing Percival's cheek ever so slightly before Percival ducked and spun on his heels, causing Wolfgang to stumble. This gave Percival the advantage he needed.
He stabbed up behind the blade into Wolfgang’s left side, and the sword that Percival was fighting so desperately for fell to the ground.
(( Passive voice. ))
- He thrust behind the enchanted blade and into Wolfgang's left side. The fight ended when the battle-worthy sword fell to the ground.
Percival grabbed it hastily, and looked down at his defeated foe.
(( Comma doesn't need to be here. Neither does hastily, because the reader knows he's gonna be quick about snatching up that sword. ))
Wolfgang had collapsed to his knees, his sword hand clutching at the side that had been hit, and he looked up at the other with such a look of agony that it sent shivers up and down Percival’s spine. “So you just leave me here to die?”
(( *headdesk* Are you serious? You gave Wolfgang a side wound and just like that he's gonna roll over and play dead? Where the hell did it hit him? You're not going to let him bleed out, or even having a chance to crawl away when Percival leaves him for dead? What the hell? You know he can still make a last effort to grab at Percival's legs to knock him down, right?
Oh man. If the sword is THAT important, nobody would just give up like that. There would still be grappling until one gets the hint to kill the other. If I took a sword that important, I'd kill the bastard named Wolfgang to make sure there was no way he COULD survive the hit on the side and try to steal it over again.
And you don't clutch a wound. Can you say ow? Yeah, that would kind of hurt. You put your hand over it, but you certainly don't grasp it tight. ))
- Wolfgang collapsed to his knees, his sword hand over the wound as he looked up with such agony on his face that it sent shivers up and down Percival’s spine. “So you just leave me here to die?”
(( ...Shivers up and down the bad guy's spine. Do you HONESTLY think that would happen with a real bad guy? No, they would smirk at the person in pain and probably plunge the sword into them. They would have no sympathy, because they got what they wanted in the first place, while the loser phails indefinitely. ))
Percival sneered, “Well, that is the basic point of a duel of good and evil.”
(( Hardly! This is called the Plague of Stupidity in all antagonists out there. They think they won, and make the stupid mistake of not making sure they have killed the person needing to die. And in the end, what the hell happens? The bad guy goes "Oopsy" before he dies. Bad people need to show that they are actually bad. Not just stand there and watch someone before they die. They need to actually strike the blow, whispering words that render the other speechless, then take a step back as the other dies before they hit the ground.
He fell, almost slowly, to the ground underneath him, the darkness taking him under its wing.
(( Oh really? I thought the ground was above him. ))
- He felt like he collapsed in slow motion, the darkness taking him under its wing.
Percival simply frowned and turned around, walking steadfastly to the kingdom for which he had battled so intensely.
- Percival frowned and turned, striding to the kingdom for which he had battled so intensely.